189. How to Meet Someone New At a Social Event (without being a Weirdo)

Don't let anxiety prevent you from finding the love of your life! Tune in and uncover how to conquer your fears, genuinely connect with others, and ultimately discover the romantic partner you've been searching for. Whether you're meeting people in person or through dating apps, the key lies in being true to yourself and embracing the energy of human connection. Let's kick-start your journey to love and happiness – without any awkwardness!

We dive deep into the root causes of social anxiety and how our innate desire to fit in can hold us back from making meaningful connections. Learn how to reframe these anxieties and make talking to others more comfortable, as well as how to navigate social events without staying invisible or getting trapped in tedious conversations. Plus, we explore the importance of authenticity and connection in dating, and how showing up as your true self can attract your best match

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Transcript

Sade Curry: 0:29

Hey everyone, welcome back. So today we're going to talk about how to make connections at a social event without being a weirdo. Social events are really one of the best places to meet someone and they can be the hardest, because we are all human and we all want to be accepted in whatever tribe we are in at that moment. We have a flaw in the way our brain works. We adapted to connect with our tribe so that we could have access to the resources of the tribe and to be pleasing to the people that we are in this social contract with, so that we don't get kicked out and died by the river on our own.

Sade Curry: 1:13

Well, that is not really a thing anymore. Our world is just not unsafe in the way that it was in caveman days, but there is still just that autopilot subconscious desire to be approved of by whoever you are around, and that can really create a lot of overthinking when you're at a social event, because one of the things that's happening there is that your brain is automatically adjusting and readjusting to whoever you are talking to in the moment or whoever is there. It is worried that they won't like me. It's worried that the way I show up is not going to be acceptable to these people and I will be rejected and that can trigger a shame response. That's very, very painful And over time, especially if you've had some tough experiences, some humiliating experiences you've experienced rejection can really feel like you know what. That's just hard for me. I just don't do that. I've talked to divorced women who are just like, yeah, that just isn't for me. They prefer dating apps for that reason, but when it comes to then meeting people in person, it's really hard for them to make the leap from talking on the app to actually meeting someone in person. So they tend to sabotage the process of actually meeting people in person or they will meet too few people or just so many things that can happen along the way there. So the anxiety that comes with trying to connect with someone in a romantic way at a social event is something you want to resolve, whether or not you choose to use dating apps or you choose to meet people in person. If you are doing it with a lot of anxiety or from a place of anxiety, it can trip you up in several ways. So we're going to walk through how to show up at these events in a way that is true to you connecting with new people, connecting in a way that could lead to a romantic connection if a person who's a match for you is there.

Sade Curry: 3:20

And I've used this approach with my clients who are dating in person, who have strong networks or who really want to meet someone who belongs to a particular network, so someone who wants to meet someone of maybe the same ethnicity or the same cultural background, where you can meet that person on the apps. But you really have to do a whole lot of swiping to get to the person who is like, oh, it belongs to my denomination, my religious denomination, or understands this specific, weird kind of cultural thing. Or maybe I have a client who is into CrossFit and it's like listen, if you want to meet someone who's in CrossFit, we can swipe through a thousand profiles for the people who do CrossFit. Or we could just go somewhere where there's a whole bunch of CrossFit enthusiasts and hang out with them and see if we can make a connection there. So social events are a big part of a successful dating journey. It's also important because of the energy of dating. So we're not really wired for making romantic connections on dating apps And that's a whole other podcast episode because I think what a lot of people try to do is create that romantic connection while on the app.

Sade Curry: 4:37

That's not a thing. The app is really just a funnel you leads that you then connect with in person to see if there's a match. There's no way to know if there's a true match. There's no way to experience the whole energy of another person through a phone. It just isn't the same. But that's a whole other podcast episode, really. So the idea here is to clear up some of the challenges you might be having with showing up in person. Really, we do some of those anxieties and show you some things that can help you do this All right.

Sade Curry: 5:11

So for those of you who are watching this online and you don't know me, my name is Shadi Curry. I am a dating coach for divorced women. I help them date with ease and meet their true match, whether online or offline, and in these episodes I teach you something that's going to help you date with confidence and accelerate your path to your new partner. So let's jump in. Let's talk about how to meet someone in person without being weird or awkward about it. No-transcript, that self-consciousness. That's actually the thing we want to resolve, because the actions of meeting someone in person are really simple. It's go up to person, say words right, as long as they're the appropriate words, be yourself, quote, unquote and I know that's a very annoying phrase, but I'm gonna break that down a little bit. What that means, at least within my coaching practice, from what we do Say words, listen to words that the other person says, and then maybe say more words and listen to their words, or end the conversation and move on to somebody else.

Sade Curry: 6:19

And the actual steps that you take, the actual, the actions, are not out of the realm of possibility for most adults, most people who are dating. It is the underlying anxiety, the overthinking, the worry, the fear of failure, the fear of being shamed, the fear of humiliation, the fear of embarrassment, the like, that sense of mortification that, oh my God, did I just do that, i said that? or if you do try it and then someone says something to you that feels painful to you, that's like, oh my God, i did it and then I got rejected. Or you're remembering something that happened in high school or at work that just like sent you into a panic because of the results, like maybe failed attempts to connect have created this real panic and this fear and this anxiety around it. That is the real problem, because if you can make talking to other humans as comfortable as I don't know eating your dinner or talking to your best friend, that removes what you say and how you say it and all of those things. Those are a piece of cake. So I want to address that and I can't I don't know that I can address it in this episode in a way that will work across the board for everyone.

Sade Curry: 7:43

We, our anxieties, show up differently. I have worked with women who have are like I do not know what to say. When I walk up to someone, i basically need a buffer, i need a friend to start the conversation and then maybe I could, and even then I just freeze and so I hate it and I don't want to do it. I've worked with women from that perspective all the way to women who are like I'm great at social events. I enjoy them, i enjoy talking to people. However, i just don't know how to like make a connection with someone that leads to them asking for my phone number or me offering my phone number. I don't know how to, you know, like go beyond just small talk or some people who are like I'm great at social events, but then I'm like I have these walls that I put up. So some people will be like, oh, i'm gonna help, i'm gonna be in the kitchen helping everyone.

Sade Curry: 8:37

Or you think you wonder why no one's noticing you. I'm not just social events, but no one ever notices me. No one ever comes up to me to talk to me. No one ever, you know, reaches out or walks up to me or anything like that. And those are the people that, like I need to, i work with. I'm like, what are you doing to stay invisible? Because you're giving off an energy that you know really says don't notice me right, or that puts all of the work of making the connection on the other person. And so then you're sitting there with that energy of like I can't do this and waiting for someone else to do it.

Sade Curry: 9:14

So let's just give like an example. You're going to a party. Let's say it's a birthday party. You know, one of your friends is turning 40 or turning 45 or turning 50, and they're having this whole shindig and there's gonna be a whole bunch of people there about the same age, many in similar situations, and you're like I could meet someone here, but then you don't know how right. Well, the how, like I said earlier, is really simple. It's really just going up to someone to talk. But what gets in the way is you get in there and maybe you notice like two or three guys who are really hot, like, oh my God, this is, i really wanna talk to this person.

Sade Curry: 9:52

And sometimes what happens? the first thing that happens is when you, if your brain, kicks into its natural anxiety, its normal anxiety around being accepted in the tribe or being accepted by people, then it's going to like zone in on like one person and start to give you reasons why you shouldn't talk to that person, why you shouldn't talk to anyone. Oh my God, i'm gonna be such a weirdo. There are already three women talking to this person. I'm gonna go up there and just be weird around them. I'm gonna look desperate. I've heard this before. I'm going to say something wrong. They won't like me.

Sade Curry: 10:31

And if you haven't sat down to examine your thoughts and your thinking in this area, like to really observe yourself when you're in social situations, you may not know that this is what you're thinking. You just know that when you get in there, you feel anxious, you feel self-conscious, and then you go and hide. Whatever your version of hiding is right Whether it's standing by the buffet and just munching away the whole time talking to your best friend that you talk every day anyway but then you spend the entire three hours at the party talking to the same best friend, hiding in the kitchen helping. Whatever your version of hiding is, when you get into that anxious mode, you will go up, you will hide Like it's just. That's just how humans are. We hide when we are scared, right.

Sade Curry: 11:17

And so if you don't intentionally meet people, another thing that can happen is you get cornered by the person you don't wanna talk to. If you're not like, okay, i'm looking around, these are the people I wanna talk to, and you wait for someone to pick you as the person they wanna talk to, which that can be great. But you can also find yourself in this situation where someone picks you as the person to talk to and then you're now cornered in this long-winded conversation about something you're not interested in and you're looking around like someone saved me. But then you're also too anxious and people pleasing the person who has cornered you, so cut him short Right, and by the time that's over, you're like exhausted not physically exhausted, but mentally exhausted. Right, you're like, oh my God, this is awful, like all of those little parts of it that feel awful, you know, start to like add to the anxiety. This is going wrong, something is going wrong, this is not working. And if you finally get away from that guy and go to the bathroom, you're so mentally exhausted. You come out, you look for your best friend, you make a beeline for her table, you sit there and you don't watch the rest of the evening.

Sade Curry: 12:30

So any of this sounds familiar. Right, you're not alone. This is normal. This is how our brains work, right? And but if we don't resolve it, then you can have opportunities to me, good people who are potentially compatible with you. But then you go to a party or you go to an event and you end up not meeting anyone new and interesting. Then you get home, you beat yourself up. Don't do that. Okay, this is normal. This is our brains. Are just these little anxiety machines that create these worries about what can happen when we interact with other people, because we are wired to see other people as sources of resources that we need, especially as children. We looked at our parents and we had to like create all these coping mechanisms to win our parents approval or caregivers approval so that we would be safe. Right, this is all normal. This is all our brain doing its job, but it's not adapting fast enough to the world that we actually live in. With the technology and general safety and the fact that you have a prefrontal cortex that can actually say, hey, i'm in a safe place, this is great. I want to take this leap that feels so scary to my lower, more primitive brain. I want to do this. I want to connect with people. Okay, let's talk about how to fix this.

Sade Curry: 13:59

Again, i want to emphasize that this is not an introvert problem. I have worked on this both with introverts and extroverts. Introverts and extroverts just show when, if they have social anxiety or anxiety in social situations, it just shows up differently, like I said. So, for an extrovert it might show up as really staying on the surface and only talking to people that you feel safe, so you're not hiding in that sense. And actually introverts tend not to be people who hide either. They just get their energy from being alone, and extroverts get their energy from being around people, but the anxiety itself cuts across the board with both introverts and extroverts. Extroverts just hide it better because they've got some natural skills.

Sade Curry: 14:46

So, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, i want you to know that this cell, what went looking, what we are trying to, the awareness I'm trying to create here, is more around self-consciousness, the inner dialogue that's happening in your brain when you are in a group of people, and you might you might notice this when you are even around people at work or in a social setting. At work or a social setting, even with women, you don't know right Or it's not just in the romantic area, but the romantic area, just because our narrative is that it's a very high stakes situation, not helpful, can make it more sort of more acute, right, like you feel that anxiety just a little bit more Now the you don't. What we want to do is really deal with this from the roots, where we want to look at your brain, what it's doing, all of the gymnastics it's doing to try to get you to be accepted or to hide because it's not confident that you're going to be accepted, and how it's creating safety for you by sitting at the table with your friend or hiding in the kitchen and or not just being able to overcome that resistance to talking to, to initiate in a conversation or asking someone to dance. That's where we want to. We want to really take a look And the the first step in the solution is to become aware of how this shows up for you. Again, it shows up differently for different people. So we want to start with how does this show up for you?

Sade Curry: 16:17

Think about the last social event you went to, where you were hopeful you would meet either a new friend or make a romantic connection or just expand your network in some way. And for those of you that are in business or you know your careers, think about the last time that you were in a group of people where there was a meeting. I've coached people for whom just showing up at meetings, at work and speaking up and sharing their ideas creates a problem. Like, oh, it's like, oh, my goodness, how do I just say what's on my mind? So think about that last social event. That last time you were around a group of humans and you experienced this anxiety, what were you thinking? or a good way to elicit that awareness could be asking yourself what am I afraid will happen if something went? what's go wrong? which? that's what you're anxious about and self-conscious about what am I afraid that thing would be, what am I afraid would happen? And just go at it with your journal, list all of it out, and notice with compassion that what's happening is that your brain, your lower brain, the smaller self versus your higher self, is just worried that it's not safe, that it is going to be rejected. Okay, this is a matter of safety and that triggers your fear response, whether it's fight or flight, or freeze or falling. So you might find yourself people pleasing, you might find yourself hiding, you might find yourself not knowing what to say, which is your freeze response. You might find yourself like being a little hostile.

Sade Curry: 17:54

I read a book on social anxiety by Ellen Hendrickson. It's called How to Be Yourself And she talked about how social anxiety can show up as irritability. You can show up as being controversial and angry and like I forget how she said it but like there is an angry outward expression of social anxiety which I found really, really fascinating. So you want to uncover the specific things that you are afraid of? Okay, and we want to take all those worries that you have and then we want to shift them into the truth that meeting humans is the most normal and natural thing in the world Like it really is. It's like we're social creatures. We are social. That's the way we are. That's why we're constantly like wanting to make friends, wanting to be with people, wanting to spend time with our loved ones, wanting to collaborate on projects and have mentors and coaches and people that we mentor. We're constantly like gathering ourselves together in numbers to do things, so we go to parties and celebrate each other. Being around other humans is the most normal, natural thing in the world.

Sade Curry: 19:08

Now We have our underlying fears around being ashamed. We also have social media and the media and everything that gives us all this information that our brain is trying to hold and keep us safe from all those things. Like when you watch shows where people get shamed or humiliated. When you read Reddit whatever where do not take this in advice from Reddit. Like, read it, but like pinch the salt, guys, pinch the salt. You go to Reddit and you read about all the horrifying romantic situations that people have been in. You're gonna be even more afraid And then you forget this truth that meeting other humans in the world is the most natural thing and you can handle it. You can handle whatever happens.

Sade Curry: 19:54

Now, when I work with clients, i take that belief and we break it down into how that's true for that individual. Now, is it true that for this person, meeting other human beings is the most normal, natural thing in the world? And we look at her situation and we fill it in. How is that true? We look for all the evidence so that she can say, oh, my brain is over here being afraid, but it's ignoring all this evidence, that this is natural and normal for me and that I can do it. I have done it. I do it over and over and over again every day. Now, this doesn't mean that there isn't a gap that we need to fill, but what I found is that with most of my clients, it's not this gigantic gap, it's a small gap. It's a small gap and we can easily show up that gap.

Sade Curry: 20:34

The second thought that helps a lot is understanding that you can handle any instances where something goes wrong. So for each person that I work with, i ask them okay, what are the things you think will go wrong? Then we show that you can handle it. But most of the time, they've already handled that kind of situation over and over and over again. Now, because they didn't go through this process of releasing the fear and working through it, which we're doing, coaching their brain says, okay, we handled it, but we never want to handle it again, versus taking the fact that they handled it and putting it into the resilience bucket and saying, oh yeah, you handled that. If that happens 10 more times, you know exactly what to do. You can handle it. There hasn't been this process of working through it, getting better at it over and over and over again, because, yeah, things will go wrong, but you can handle it. And we look for where that's true and we work on that. And then also, just those two thoughts tend to create some safety. But depending on who I am working with, they might have other things that we need to work with to create that safety.

Sade Curry: 21:39

So, whatever we need to do to create that safety in the nervous system, in their body, in their thinking, we do that work, we change the way we think about it. We explore what makes them afraid. Is it shame? Is it trauma? Is it fear of rejection? Do they have feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, like what is coming up for them at the social event? And once we've done that, there's usually enough material to be like oh yeah, i got this, i can do this. They feel it's like oh, i see myself a different way When you're seeing yourself as not the little girl who is in the corner, sort of like hoping someone will become her best friend, but you start to see yourself as a capable adult who can go out into the world and express yourself and create something new. So very, very, very, very different, all right.

Sade Curry: 22:33

So once we create safety and that willingness to step out of the comfort zone, the second thing is what I call the visibility formula, like presence, participation and authenticity. So I like to start with it from the perspective which, a lot of times, we would have done some of this work early on in the process with the client, before they actually started it in the self-discovery is understanding which parts of them are what their partner will love. Right, like because your partner is going to love you for you. But do you even know what parts of you your partner is going to love? Like? what are those parts? What are your characteristics that are gonna make your partner just totally like, once they meet you be like uh-oh, this is the person for me.

Sade Curry: 24:46

And that comes from doing that self-discovery work so that you understand what does it mean for you to be authentic? Not what does it mean for you to be like someone else or to show up like you should at a social event or like people want you to, but to show up as you. Because if you show up the way other people want you to but you're not yourself, then it actually creates this dissonance. It creates a disconnect with the person who would want to connect with the real you. So we work on what those are. We usually boil it down to like three things. Like the last client I worked on this with, she was like I'm funny, i'm fun and funny, i'm smart and she is highly intelligent, like super intelligent. So that was a big one. And there was one other character. So she was like yeah, these are the three things that my guy and I really gonna connect over.

Sade Curry: 25:38

And so the visibility formula is understanding that authentic, that those three things about you that are gonna be the thing that, even if nobody else likes you in the world, your partner is gonna like you for those things. And then showing up with those parts of yourself on display. And again, you don't have to make any effort because those things are just you, right, and it's different for different people. Like, if you are a person for whom it's there's so many ways, it's your love for this particular hobby, you're gonna go into that event and you are gonna talk about that thing that you love. If that's what your partner is gonna be into, that is the thing you are gonna bring up at every conversation. And I do help my clients craft what they are going to like.

Sade Curry: 26:27

Present is almost like. These are my three stories, these are my three questions. We do that work as well, which is kind of their how to, and then they're the parts of that show that. But it's about the energy. It's about the energy of who you really are. You show up with that. You are present. So, generally, being present is taking care of if we've worked through the anxiety, so you're not worried, you're actually able to talk to the person in front of you and listen and you're not worried about whether or not they like you or all the other things.

Sade Curry: 26:56

And then participation. So, whatever the event is, i always encourage people to choose events that they actually love. Go to events with people you like, where there are activities that you actually enjoy participating in, and so then working on not being a wallflower or actually stepping up and participating If there are games, if there are conversations, if there is dancing, participating in whatever people have come together to do. So we work through the visibility formula what that looks like for that particular person. And then for every event we create a plan Like how many people are gonna be there, who are these people, what are your points of connection with them? And usually for every event, like my client said, i will say okay, your mission will set lives. Your mission is to meet three people, three new people at this event that you didn't know before, or your mission is to tell this story about yourself, or whatever it is that really supports her journey, her dating journey.

Sade Curry: 27:53

We create a specific plan for that. And then we create a way for her to create follow-ups So that when she does meet people she's interested in or that she wants to connect with after. And there are many ways of doing that. It could be taking pictures and tagging people, it could be a business card, like. They're just so many ways, and we always find a way that works for that individual.

Sade Curry: 28:15

And so the visibility formula is so, so powerful. It really demystifies social events. They're not. You don't have to be loud and weird And like. You don't have to go up to the person and like try to telepathically get them to like ask you out. You don't have to do any of that. You just really really have to be the best, highest version of yourself.

Sade Curry: 28:38

Practice being visible. Have a plan that makes it easy for you to check off. If you showed up the way you wanted to show up and then create a way to follow up with the people that you meet, that you like. And if you don't meet anybody there, you're like you did your thing And you can, you know, check that one off as well. That was a dud event. Sometimes there will be some events that will be duds. You will get there and you'll be like oh yes, these are not my people And it's not a problem. Again, going back to having safety that you can handle. If that's the case, i mean, you can have a plan for that. Or if you're working with me one on one, you can text me and be like what's up? What do I do here? Right, usually it's like just you just leave, or you get curious about what's happening there and decide to participate So many different ways to do it. But it's what really all of that creativity is available to you once you're out of that space of being, like, chronically and acutely anxious about being around other people.

Sade Curry: 29:38

So just the visibility formula, learning to authentically be yourself and show yourself at a social event is what you want to do on your dating journey anyway, and it's really what you want to do in life, at work, at friends. Showing up as the real you is an important part of really building your best life after divorce. Because you know, we all know, how much we lose our identity, how much we become enmeshed in relationships, if we haven't worked through that, and so this is an opportunity to recapture and own your own personality. How do you want to show up? How would you have showed up if you weren't interrupted by whether trauma or other people or conditioning or all of those things right, and doing this work of showing up at social events helps you shed people pleasing, because there is nowhere we want to people please more than when we're around other people.

Sade Curry: 30:32

If you have triggers around social situations or you know being around other people, this is a way to work through it. If it you know, if it's appropriate for you And it increases your chances of meeting someone who's a true match. Like it's not as random as the dating apps. The dating apps are somewhat random, very useful I am a fan, use it in my practice all of the time But meeting people in person is a way to sort of narrow down who you're meeting. Like if you're really into a particular hobby, meeting it's actually fishing a barrel, like now there's 100 people who like the same thing here, surely there might be one person that I can make a connection with, and so it really increases the chances that you'll meet someone who's a match and you're enjoying life.

Sade Curry: 31:16

Like humans. Relationships are really a part of having that vibrant, enjoyable life that we want, of course, in different doses and different settings for all of us, but you know you can. If this is a part of what you would like you consider enjoying your life, then figuring this out helps you enjoy your life more, and figuring it out before your partner makes you, you know, more attractive, because when you're enjoying your life, when you're putting out the energy of being your most vibrant self, you are more likely to catch the eye of the person that you want. Okay, so this is really how you connect at social events and customize this concept for yourself in many different ways depending on the event, if this is something you want support working on. I have done this over and over and over for myself And for my clients and they really see themselves different. They have worked with women who, like, wanted to become speakers and worked through social anxiety in order to start their speaking, their speaking career. So really, i think this is this works, 100% works. And if it's a part of your dating journey, you want to meet people in person or you really want to open up your life to meeting more people, that I want to invite you to schedule a consultation call with me or simply reach out to me by email or DM if you're seeing this on social media.

Sade Curry: 32:44

I know one of the biggest fears that people have, like when they're getting ready to make the leap to do the work like okay, i'm ready to do this work now is that they're afraid they won't take action, like I'm going to waste. I'm going to sign up for this thing And I won't show up for the meetings and I will waste the money And so it's almost like you have two fears now coupled in one. First of what's like I'm not going to take the action, so I'm still not going to meet my partner, and then I'm going to waste on top of that. I would have wasted the money, but then consider that you are more likely if you're not taking action now, that you are much more likely to take action If you have support to work through the mindset that is helping you not take action right now.

Sade Curry: 33:25

It's like if you get that support and work through that resistance which is what I do every day with women who are divorced, who are dating again is help them work through that resistance, help them work through all of these little bits of anxiety that hold hold you back from meeting your partner. There are many strategies that you already know that you're not taking action on right. So the problem is not you taking action. The problem is the thing before you take action, which is what's going on in your mind, and that's what coaching does for you. I work with you to create the thoughts and feelings and motivation, to create the mindset that gets you moving, that gets you taking action, and when you hit them again along the way, when you hit the next obstacle, i'm there as the coach to be like hey, i see you doing this thing.

Sade Curry: 34:12

There's resistance here. Some anxiety may have come in here. Let's work on that underlying thoughts, that underlying emotion that's keeping you from continuing, and that is the work that you are paying for. You're not paying for me to, like, tell you to get on the app, even though I will tell you to get on the app. But when I notice you're not getting on the app, then I will just be like, okay, there's something going on and I've just seen that over and over and over again, and that is what you're paying for when you pay to work with a coach. So if this work interests you, send me an email, send me a DM book, a consultation call, and I look forward to hearing from you. All right, thank you for your time and attention and I will see you next time.