199. Loving Life and Finding Love After Divorce with Kelly Bonanno

Kelly Bonanno is a Wellness Coach and Life Coach for Divorced People. She shares her journey through the emotional and logistical turmoil of getting divorced after 26 years.
Kelly shares her experiences of starting over, dating post-divorce, and finding love again. We delve into the complex world of love, infatuation, and dating after divorce.
Kelly offers valuable insights on how to differentiate fleeting infatuation from enduring love, and the importance of a calm and logical approach to dating.

Featured on the Show: Kelly Bonanno

Kelly Bonanno is a Wellness & Life Coach, speaker, mom to 2 teenage boys and creator of the Loving Life After Divorce Method. With over a decade as a wellness educator, she helps people navigate divorce with confidence and become the best versions of themselves inside and out. Whether they’ve lost themselves in their marriage, are fearful of the future, want to get in better shape or find lasting love, Kelly empowers them to move through the process with courage and powerfully transition to their new life. She also helps business owners retain employees, reduce sick days and burnout while increasing productivity, focus, and morale with her innovative wellness programs and workshops.

• Kelly's Website
• Kelly's Instagram
• Kelly's Facebook
• Kelly's Podcast
• Sign up for the Loving Life After Divorce Summit

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Transcript

Sade Curry: 0:29

Hi everyone, welcome back to the dating after a divorce podcast. We are here with another dating after a divorce story for you. I have my friend and coach colleague here on Zoom with me. Kelly Bonanno is going to tell you her dating after a divorce story. Kelly is a wellness and life coach for divorced people. Welcome, kelly, to the podcast. Hello, thank you so much for having me. Absolutely, kelly. Just introduce yourself to the listeners. Tell them a little bit about yourself, what you do as a wellness coach and what you do as a life coach.

Kelly Bonnano: 1:05

Absolutely so. Yes, I'm a wellness and life coach. My specialty is helping people going through divorce or just on the other side, you know, move through the process with confidence and grace and become the best versions of themselves inside and out and just make their next chapter their best chapter, create the life they want, make them become the person they want to become and create the life they want. My favorite thing is to hear people say I'm happier than I've ever been. And then I also do corporate wellness, which I love. I love teaching workshops. I have workshops on all different topics of wellness and, you know, wellness programs for businesses. That's a fun thing for me too.

Sade Curry: 1:43

Amazing amazing, yeah, and I love what you said about like seeing getting to the place where you see the divorce as a gift. I have experienced that and I think that surprises people. You know, when you get to that point but I'm just like yes, like I have no regrets, like I'm just like happy, and then you start to see the gifts in the whole journey, even in painful parts.

Kelly Bonnano: 2:08

Exactly, exactly, you really do. And it's hard to see the forest through the trees, but and and I, you know, you, it's like, you will see it, you will get there, you will get there. And it's hard to believe, but and then it's like, once you're there, you're okay.

Sade Curry: 2:24

It's yes, yeah. So how long were you married in your in your earlier relationship?

Kelly Bonnano: 2:32

26 years.

Sade Curry: 2:34

Wow, that's a long time. How old were?

Kelly Bonnano: 2:36

you. When you got married I was in my 20s, so you know I'm not super young, but but but yeah, oh yeah, but like 26 years, a long time, and I've heard a lot of those stories.

Sade Curry: 2:46

I was in mine for 17, 20 years by the time we the ink dried on the divorce. I married at 21. So do you know what? What was the, I guess, the precipitating factor for, for the divorce?

Kelly Bonnano: 3:00

You know it was a long time coming. It was never really one thing, and I don't think it happens overnight for sure. I'm sure you know it's like you think about it and then you don't think about it, you know, and and it just so. It was kind of it started with and what I mean it takes two to tango. I think it was just kind of both of us. The main thing was I just was so like mired in, I was just like overwhelmed with kids. They're now 17 and 21,.

Kelly Bonnano: 3:31

But you know, when they were babies and toddlers and it just and I had no help and I went from this great career that I loved in network television and that was my identity, my life, and that was my goal. And then I was pretty demanding in my commute was long, so even though I really didn't want to leave my career, if I was going to have a child I would have never seen him. So I left and then my identity was just with a newborn and I didn't, I didn't know any other, like none of my friends. Either they had kids or they didn't have any kids yet, and I just felt kind of alone and I had postpartum anxiety and then I, you know, made some mom friends, but I kind of still felt overwhelmed and I just kind of kept feeling overwhelmed and I wasn't getting my needs met. Now I know you know hindsight and also sense. Then, becoming a life coach and a health coach, I know what I was missing and needing and I, you know, the me today would have done things differently. But I didn't know better and so I didn't take care of my, my needs, my, my psyche, my, you know, I didn't ask for help and that's my, that's on me, and I just, and I played the victim and just like you know, just I mean, I adored my kids, I loved my life, but I was very, I just felt like I was just had no time to myself.

Kelly Bonnano: 4:52

And I remember thinking I just need some balance and, and I love working, so I always tried to do something, even if it was part time, so I wouldn't have to, because we, we went down to two, you know, from two incomes and I was the breadwinner for a little while. And then, you know, and then he started making enough money that we could go down to one income, but it was tight, especially in Southern California, you know. Maybe somewhere else in the world, it wouldn't have been tie or in the country. But so, you know, finances were tight, we didn't really have time, money for babysitters, and so we didn't do date night, we didn't nurture us, and I just felt like I didn't have even the the wherewithal, you know, to nurture. And so that's where the first breakdown came. It just we just sort of we didn't nurture ourselves and we didn't make each other a priority, and through the priority, especially for me, I was a stay at home mom and everything you know, and and then I just you know, I think we both kind of just, you know, I think we started slowly but surely falling out of love, and then it was kind of slow and then we tried to make it work and then finally there was a point where it was just there was no turning back.

Kelly Bonnano: 6:02

But we lived in Southern California, it's we really couldn't afford to have two separate homes here. It's expensive enough anywhere. And then in Southern California it's like, oh yeah, and then rents are higher than a mortgage If you have a decent mortgage and we have a nice house, but we have low rates, and so the house is still in the house now and my mortgage is less than his apartment, even though because of the rates and when we bought the home and everything. So it just got to a point where we weren't happy. Then we were fighting and it was not good, fighting bad, and I regret that we fought too much in front of the kids. It was not a good situation.

Kelly Bonnano: 6:41

And I finally came to the point and I was on a real personal development, personal growth period after that point when my kids kind of got to school age and I could kind of take a breath and I focused on myself and focusing on my spirituality and I kind of discovered Marianne Williamson and Gabby Bernstein and really just opening up my world and my view to a lot of the things that I already had in place at my core, like I was, you know, gratitude was, oh, even since I was a little kid I've always like gratitude first and thanking God. Like all my prayers are always thanking God and counting my blessings. But I felt like I kind of lost sight and I wasn't living in the moment. And even when I wasn't in Frasal I remember thinking I'm gonna miss when they're little and I'm gonna miss this. I might slow down to take a beat, but then you get caught up, you know.

Kelly Bonnano: 7:33

So when I started really the journey of bettering myself and just kind of rediscovering myself, I thought I cannot change anything else or anybody else, but I can change how I view things, how I perceive things, how I act, how I react. And then it helped, and he did his own work too. And then I suggested listen, you know, we couldn't, we were kind of living like roommates and we really didn't have a choice and that kind of sucked. But I suggested let's go to therapy so we can at least live copacetically because we can't have this animosity. You know, we can't have this bad situation if we have to live together. And that definitely helped. And also just us working on ourselves helped and we got to a point.

Kelly Bonnano: 8:17

But it wasn't perfect, it still wasn't the ideal. I mean, we still thought, we still had issues, but it wasn't, you know. So it wasn't ideal, but at least it wasn't volatile, because it was a volatile there for a little while. So at least, you know, my kids had their both parents in the same home and we kind of plugged along. And you know, I mean, when we finally made the announcement to my kids to get to worse, my oldest was like well, you should have gotten worse seven years ago, I know yeah you say that now, but your little self seven years ago might not have enjoyed that.

Kelly Bonnano: 8:54

Yeah, and at least they had us both in the house together. Yeah, and I think there were a lot of good points to be still together, you know.

Sade Curry: 9:04

Yeah, yeah. I think that's something to be really proud of, that both of you were able to work that out to get the outcome that you both wanted, which was hey, let's hold it together for a minute.

Kelly Bonnano: 9:16

Yeah, yeah, it was the best solution at that point.

Sade Curry: 9:21

Yeah, yeah, and I think for young, for children, and just seeing people getting along is good for them. It's just good for them, no matter what it's you know. So I think I just hope you're proud of yourself for making those choices for you that worked for you, Thank you.

Kelly Bonnano: 9:43

I am and they didn't always see us get along. It wasn't always roses, but it was much better and it wasn't. And also, even in the happiest of marriages there's conflict, and you know. So yeah, so then when we finally kind of oh, and then the pandemic hit, so it's kind of like, well, where are we gonna go? We all have to just sit at home for this period of time or whatever's going on, and life was sort of on hold and the world was all on hold and crazy. So it really made no sense to divorce then and to pay for two different places to live. We're just gonna be sitting at home or what have you.

Kelly Bonnano: 10:19

But then, you know, as things kind of started opening up and we saw obviously the pandemic was, you know, things were kind of normalizing a little bit, even though different parts of the country and the world were different. We started mediation. And that's the nice thing too is because we did the work, we were able to get a mediator and have the very amicable and it was so much better and so much more economical than having two attorneys and being volatile, and yeah, so that was another thing because of what we did, when we friendly, were ready to. It was a more peaceful resolution, and now we're completely amicable, you know, and I'm in a wonderful loving relationship, and so is he, and I'm so happy for him. I want that for him.

Sade Curry: 11:03

Yeah, that's amazing. That's amazing. I love that. I really really love that. In situations where that is able to happen, oh my gosh, it's like so good, so good.

Kelly Bonnano: 11:15

So look at the work like you get a new work. This is what I help my clients with. It's like okay, because it's yeah. It doesn't happen just by wishing.

Sade Curry: 11:24

Oh, 100%, and that was gonna be. My next question was like you know, divorce always comes with grief. Like where did you process your grief? Was it during while you were still in the marriage, knowing that, okay, this is ending at some point, or did it hit you after?

Kelly Bonnano: 11:42

A little bit both, a little bit of both. I went through such stages and you know I did. I got there were some points where I just I wanted to be free and, you know, live my life and start my next chapter. I got. You know I would get impatient and just like, and then I thought, well, you know what I am good, I mean, we had a great marriage. You know it doesn't like there's no shame in divorce and it doesn't mean that the marriage was horrible or not meant to be. We have these amazing kids and we did have a lot of love for many years and we was always friends. So during I just kind of processed and kind of, yeah, tried to get myself prepared for it. And I realized and I kind of also decided you know what I'm gonna appreciate while we're here, okay, so we can't do worse. So I'll just appreciate what we do have and appreciate the good parts of him. And you know we went on vacay, at family vacations, and you know what I mean. So I just kind of really thought, well, I'm not gonna have this and so I'll appreciate what I do have.

Kelly Bonnano: 12:46

And then when he moved out, it was jarring, even though I wanted. I mean there were some parts some, you know, in the journey where I was just like, oh my God, I just want to leave, you know. But even so, it was weird and it was so. Even if you want the divorce and you are prepared for it, it's still such a transition and it is. You know, it's such an identity shift and also it's just kind of an emptiness, like all of a sudden.

Kelly Bonnano: 13:13

Now we were living in, like I said, we were living like roommates, so we were living into different rooms, so it wasn't. But he was here and while we didn't always get along really well, I mean he still was my person, my main person in my life, and sometimes we did get along really well and he's funny and he's he's got a lot of great atries, you know, I would never, you know, and he's very smart. And it's just all of a sudden the emptiness. And I would look at like his room and it would be dark and it just was weird. And yeah, that was really surprising and I thought it just was such a shift. And then, when he started dating before I did, and that was weird, it's like something I wanted him back where I was jealous or anything, but it was just like he was been my husband for all these years. And now you know what I'm saying Just all these weird things and so things you just don't even realize. You're gonna feel that's really what it is.

Sade Curry: 14:04

Yeah, I think it's the transitions. I think we just don't realize just how much a part of ourselves people are, or our routine, or just things that they took care of that you didn't think about while they were there, or just even. I think, and I remember when I was single, thinking about my safety even though my ex was really not someone I wanted anywhere near me at all, for very reasons when there's a man in the environment, your sense of safety is just a little bit better because you're less likely to have someone want to come and mess with you in that situation. I remember just being a little more guarded in general about my safety.

Kelly Bonnano: 14:48

Oh my gosh, that's such a good point. I me too. There was a little, yeah, just kind of a sense of security knowing he was in the house. It's so true, yeah. Yeah, that was a good point.

Sade Curry: 14:59

yeah, Things we don't think about.

Kelly Bonnano: 15:01

Exactly, exactly and just. It was like this avoid, and also it was like all of a sudden things were different. He was in my life, in my home, I could talk to him anytime, and then it was like no.

Kelly Bonnano: 15:14

And even though we were all amicable, we did the mediator everything good he got. He was mean, he was like all of that was mean to me for like the first month or two and I know that was just his way of processing and who knows what he was going through, even though and like he was dating a few people didn't even work out and then and he just was I mean, he said some mean things and I was just like we're peaceful. But it's like everybody has their processes in different ways and it was I, just it was, and it was all these emotions and up and down and just and I remember I had, I was having a tough time and I met with some girlfriends. We went out and I was telling them it was. You know, they were like surprised because they knew how much I wanted it.

Sade Curry: 16:01

So they were like you're fine, and it's like you know it's all these surprising things.

Kelly Bonnano: 16:07

It's divorcing like this it's still.

Sade Curry: 16:10

I mean it still feels like the loss of a limb or death in the family. Even I'm a couple, much less when there are all these other losses or pain that go along with it. Right, exactly, it's so true, so true.

Kelly Bonnano: 16:24

And I so. But I know I'm in retrospect and I let myself feel it. I mean, I let myself go to the dark places and feel and be weirded out by him dating, and weirded out and just like and miss what we had, even though in no way did I want it back. And I knew. I knew that my next chapter was going to be amazed. I knew it.

Kelly Bonnano: 16:45

I just and I just held that belief. But I was like and I realized too that if I didn't feel all the feelings you know, and repress them, then they're going to come back to bite me somewhere. And this is what I really try to tell my clients and people is you got to process, you got to feel them, you got. The only way out is through. I know people we're going to hear that a lot, but it's the truth. And if you don't process and feel and go through it, then it's going to come out somehow somewhere down in your next relationship, in your net somewhere down, or can manifest in your body as pain, as illness and yeah, and you don't want to repeat patterns and you want to heal, so you're not repeating the same thing in the next relationship.

Sade Curry: 17:30

Yeah, yeah, 100%, because those emotions are there and when they get triggered, you just repeat what you know how to do, that you've always done Exactly.

Kelly Bonnano: 17:39

And so I really held the mirror up to myself. Also I did a harsh. Like what? Because also you know you have to take responsibility for your. It takes to tango I you know and so I took responsibility, like, okay, what did I do? What can I learn from what I did wrong in relationship or to the contributed to the demise?

Sade Curry: 18:00

And even if all you did was marry that person, you got to look at that. Why did I marry this person, which was a lot of my work was, wait a second. No one dragged me to the altar here. I need this choice. What was going on in my brain? What was going on in my body? That, what was the emotional blueprint that I had? What was the Imago image that I had for a partner? I came to the relationship with that and so, really, you know, breaking that down and seeing it and taking responsibility for it even though, I mean, I didn't sign up for that image of that blueprint, consciously, it was still mine and owning that and saying, okay, I see why I got into this relationship and I see why I stayed in so long, I see why I enabled this behavior. And when you see it, you can't unsee it, which means you're less likely to repeat it.

Kelly Bonnano: 18:56

Yes, absolutely. That's the nice thing. It might be hard to face, but that's what helps you grow and get to the point that you're less likely to repeat it. And the other thing is and I know that you know, in some circumstances I mean, we were, you know, we don't. Neither one of us was in fidelity. There was no, nobody gambled all the money away. You know. So, I know, in some circumstances, when you really are betrayed, it is hard to say well, you know he did this, she did this, yeah, but we all still have a role, we all still.

Kelly Bonnano: 19:30

And also, when you take some responsibility, there's always something. Every relationship is a lesson and different parts of that relationship is a lesson, and when you really hold them here up and learn. The other reason, the other thing is you don't wanna play the victim, cause if you're playing the victim, then you have no power over your health, over your life, over your future. And, yes, bad things, people do bad things and you, yes, you, you know you can be the victim, so to speak, but don't play the victim, and that's what helps you grow and move on. And the other thing is forgiveness. You know, I mean, if you don't forgive, the only person it hurts is you.

Kelly Bonnano: 20:12

Forgiveness is really for ourselves.

Sade Curry: 20:14

Yeah, yeah, I have an interesting take on forgiveness where I feel like it's a, it's just an automatic thing. That happens when you do what you said, which is you heal and you restore and you take your power back. It's almost like forgiveness just becomes this thing, that like it's like something just falls off of you. You know it's like a deadline falls off, you don't have to go hack it off, which I think some people try to I'm gonna forgive, I'm like errr.

Sade Curry: 20:43

No, exactly, keep going to the journey, be willing and, as you grow and heal and shift back into thriving and loving, it's just almost like, oh, I don't, yeah, I don't hold, I don't, he doesn't need to pay me back, you know, yeah, right, amazing, what a journey. Thank you so much for sharing that. How did you feel at? What did you think about dating? Like coming, you know, going through the divorce and them being like, okay, I'm gonna be out. Quote, unquote on the market. I hate those words, but captures what I'm trying to say. We've all had that thought. Get myself up there, yeah, putting ourselves out there. Like, how, what were your initial thoughts about a new relationship?

Kelly Bonnano: 22:42

Well, I was excited for one because we had not had a romantic, loving relationship with each other in a very long time, so I was definitely ready for it. But along comes all the fears and our stories and our what ifs and the things you hear. I think that narrows, but we talk about on the summit hello dating sucks. There's no good men out there there's. You know what I mean, and to buy into that is really to the detriment.

Sade Curry: 23:14

Yeah, and actually I want to. You mentioned the summit and I just want to plug the summit right now, since it's come up. So, listeners, kelly, in the next week or so, is hosting a summit for divorced women and it is. It's got a ton of speakers. I am one of them, so I have a session in there on dating that you will love. Like I just pulled some stuff out of me that I was just like, oh my God, this is so good so that the information from the summit is going to be in the show notes. You can go and sign up and it is free, I believe, to participate in the summit and watch all of the speakers. And then there's a VIP option if you want to upgrade what you get out of the summit. But it is amazing and I'm so excited. I know a lot of the divorce coaches who are going to be on here on the summit. So you guys, please, please, please, click on that link in the show notes, sign up and make sure you check it out. All right Back to our programming.

Kelly Bonnano: 24:15

Yeah, it's, it's. I'm so excited for it, it's going to be amazing. So, loving life after divorce is the name of it. So yeah, but yeah, we'll have all the links there, okay. So so I, I thought, well, you know, I, I, I took that time.

Kelly Bonnano: 24:30

I thought, well, I can't divorce, we can't even separate physically. You know, we were kind of like separated but living together. But I couldn't and I thought, well, what can I do? I can work on myself, I can get myself prepared, I can do, you know I can do those things. And so that's what I did.

Kelly Bonnano: 24:49

And you know, our kids, like I said, there's 17 and 21 now. So they were, they were not little, but they were young, and so you know, I didn't, we tried to keep a cohesive, as as copacetic as we could and give them a good, you know, a good home and at least be there for them. But it was a little tricky because I thought, you know, we're not really we're separated, but living together. But yet we didn't, like tell our kids were too young to understand that. So we didn't, they knew we weren't happily married. I mean, it was. That's why I was no surprise to them.

Kelly Bonnano: 25:23

We finally did the work, you know. So, but I just kind of in in our the therapy, I, you know, I thought I we deserve to do what we want to do. And so I said to him I said, listen, we're not, you know, I'm a traditional married couple, but you know, I think we should be free if something comes up. So we were kind of like able to date. He thought it was a little weird, but it's, we didn't really have it. We weren't. It wasn't like we would cheat on each other because we weren't you know. I mean, it was like yeah.

Kelly Bonnano: 25:52

And I know now, I know there's a lot of people out there that are living like this because they can't afford to get divorced or whatever, or whatever. So many reasons they can't afford to do places. So luckily I wasn't like completely fresh off the, you know, because I I there were men I'd get attention from, but nothing could be serious or real because I wasn't. You know what I mean.

Sade Curry: 26:15

I wasn't, I wasn't clean, but you had gone, so it sounds like you'd gone on some dates, had some conversation, so you'd worked out a little of the yes. And then it wasn't totally rusty you know what I mean, and yeah, and so there was.

Kelly Bonnano: 26:30

And then like, so there was some, some of that, so that I was glad about that because I wasn't totally rusty. And then I thought, as we got closer and we were, you know, like I knew it was going to be coming down the pike, something hit me and I thought, you know, I, it's fearful, like let's, let's, you know, call us, pay to spay. Dating is no matter what age you are, no matter what stage you are, no matter whether you're single, married, divorced, what I mean? I mean, you know, coming off of a marriage or divorce, or never been married, it's scary. It's scary to put your heart out there. So what I thought, you know what it's. If I, whatever I think about it, is what I'm going to get back from it. And so if I think, well, you know, there's no good men out there, they're all players, or there's, you know, all the good ones are taken. Or, oh my gosh, dating at my age, please, I mean, if I think all those negative things, that's what I'm going to get.

Sade Curry: 27:17

So I say what.

Kelly Bonnano: 27:19

And just something came to me and I thought it was almost like a like a premonition and intuition. It was like almost like. It was almost like a spiritual thing. I thought, you know, there's a guy out there who and I just almost like kind of just like fantasize about the guy I want and how I want to be treated. I want to be cherished and I want to be, you know, I want to have that loving, great loving feeling and have good communication. And you know, nothing's going to be perfect but at least feel really loved and feel, you know, cherished and and and having like a great, you know sexual chemistry and all those good things. And he has someone who does act together and he's just a good guy and have fun with and and you know what? He's out there waiting for me and he's wondering where I am.

Sade Curry: 28:03

Yes.

Kelly Bonnano: 28:04

He's wondering where I am.

Sade Curry: 28:05

I love it yeah.

Kelly Bonnano: 28:07

And that is what I kept with me. That's just the, the, what I like. That was my narrative. I thought you know what he's wondering where I am. And then when we finally, you know he moved out and we were, you know, free to do it, then I kind of then I wasn't really ready. Then I kind of took a break and I was like I got a process and but I had already processed so much that didn't take that long, you know.

Kelly Bonnano: 28:29

And I thought, and then I went on a vacation and I just kind of cleared things and I'm like okay, ready to start my nice new chapter. And I thought, you know, I'm going to try these apps, and I did, and I and I decided also, I'm going to have fun with it. That wonderful guy is out there wondering where I am, but I don't know when I'm going to meet him and I'm not going to put any pressure on it and I'm not going to be like is is you know, with each guy, is he the one, is he the one? No, just like, let's have fun and let's date and let's just meet fun people and whether we're attracted to each other or not, maybe I'll make a friend or something, or I don't know. You know, I just that that is the attitude I put out there, because I'm like, if I have fun with, if I believe I'm going to have fun with that, then I will. And also, when you don't, you know what you, what you resist, persist, and so if I put too much pressure on it, then it would be.

Kelly Bonnano: 29:18

So I just thought, you know, have fun, and I didn't go on that many, I wasn't on the apps for that long. And then I, how long were you on? Like a few months, not even, not even a few months, like because I kind of was on and off, like because I I paused at some point because I kind of wanted to take a break. And then, well, also there there was some organic dating you know what I mean Like and, and then the apps. I remember one of my friends was single. She kind of showed me the ropes and gave me some pointers, and people were really awesome because I was surge it. I had a question, though, so I went on some dates and there was like you know, I just was having fun with it Not a lot of guys that I really wanted to second date with but, nice people, what have you.

Kelly Bonnano: 30:03

And I was on Bumble and hinge and then I was at a party and my friend's brother, who was recently separated, he was on the Facebook dating app. So he's telling me about it and he was dating somebody that he liked and he's showing me the app, yeah, and I was like, oh, okay, and so I downloaded. And then then I went on vacation and you know, but some of the apps they, they show you take you to your, to your location. The Facebook one didn't. So the guys I was matching with there, they were just, you know, back in the LA area. That was not very.

Kelly Bonnano: 30:36

But but the Bumble dating app, like, I went on one date when I was on vacation with the heck, you know, and then when I came back I thought, okay, I'm going to really check out this Facebook dating app and somebody, and I go through the guys that liked me, because it's that's the nice thing about the Facebook.

Kelly Bonnano: 30:53

Of course it's a numbers game, though you're just like so I saw your full time job, so I, so I, so I've been then like, oh, he looks nice and he, nice pictures, nice profile, good vibe, you know, we had things in common and so I messaged he, he likes it's kind of the way it works on Facebook dating app is you can like someone, and then he just liked me and then that put him on my queue and then I, you know, responded to him and I liked that he cut to the chase.

Kelly Bonnano: 31:20

Because the thing that I really don't like out there in the app dating world is like this endless texting, and I hear it from men and women. You know some of my clients that are men and when, like they get these, like no one wants to, yeah, yeah. And I got a fair amount of that where it was like back and forth, I'm like okay, let's just let, it's okay. But then we got to get on the phone, see if we even want to go out with each other. And then you got to meet because you know what's fine and also make sure you're a real person.

Sade Curry: 31:51

Yeah, 100%, 100%.

Kelly Bonnano: 31:54

And he just he just said, hey, do you want me to just call you sometimes? So he did, and then we talked, and then we were kind of trying to set up a date that weekend and it wasn't really matching up and I was so, you know, let me, let me look at my calendar and I'll let you know. But then, like two days later, he texted me with it and I like that he took initiative. He's like oh, do you want to meet at six o'clock at this really great restaurant in Malibu? And I was like, oh, that's fun on the beach in Malibu. And I'm like, okay, that sounds like a fun date.

Kelly Bonnano: 32:21

And he was cute. So we went and I, yeah, we hit it off. I was like, okay, I do want to go out with him again. And so then we went out again and we just, yeah, it was like I love it, and one day that's the next and next. And then we just fell in love and and he was like he was that guy. He was out there wondering where I was, because he said he'd almost given up because he just getting the you know the one something.

Sade Curry: 32:46

Yeah, and I think that's something I remind women of is like men are human to the good, guys are just humans and they're looking for a specific kind of woman Also. Right, like every relationship we see that is working is made up of multiple people who want to be in committed relationships. They're more of those people out there.

Sade Curry: 33:12

They just are there more of those people out there, of every gender. So it's like really just questioning our own brains when it says there's no good men, like they're all wanting one thing, that well, yeah, some of them, yes, but not all of them. It's all of them. So I was going to ask you like, how did you know? Like, because at a certain point you had to be like okay, yeah, I'm going to go on more dates with this guy and he's the one down the line. Like you know, you're talking now. We've been together about a year. When did you know he was the one that? Like, okay, I've checked out all the red flags on the green flags and all the things and he's the one.

Kelly Bonnano: 33:54

It's interesting after it's, it happened fast and also, you know, we kind of got exclusive sort of soon, within a month, and we were technically exclusive because neither one of us dated anybody else from the minute we, you know. And so well, I think actually he went on a date the day after he met me, but it was already planned, like he had already planned to go out with her and he even met me, so he didn't cancel on her but he wasn't interested in her. So he never went out with her, lucky me. And then so we just, you know, I could just tell I just we just kind of kept getting drawn and drawn and drawn and it just felt right and felt. And then it was interesting, about two months after dating I did, I felt like I was falling in love and I and I kind of thought, should I be dating more? And then my, then my friend was like this is what you're looking for and I thought you know what, this is what I'm looking for, and it just felt Right. So I was like I'll just go with it and I have this.

Kelly Bonnano: 34:53

Like I was driving up the way he lives in the la, you know, west l area, and I live kind of just right outside looking suburb, so we're not saying, you know, 40 minute drive, it's not that bad. So I was driving home it was this beautiful day and I was, I don't know I just felt like this, like love, and I, and when I was with him I just I just felt like I love this man. He just is such a good guy, he's a very good guy. Integrity, this is what I was getting from my intuition. And and then he's very romantic.

Kelly Bonnano: 35:24

And then he, so he, we, he was so cute, he, he celebrated our two month anniversary and he, we went to the same restaurant that we went to on our second day and he went there before before we went there and he like set up the table and he had like a bottle of wine and a picture of us in a frame that that he's, that I mentioned, that I liked. And when we were shopping one day, so he bought that brand, put a picture of us in it and like a flowers, and so and I had no, I just we're going. He's like, oh yeah, let's go back to you know, and I was like, okay, so we'll go back, and I and I'm looking over the table and I just couldn't even play this. So romantic and so and that was a funny time he told me he loved me, so he was like he did this whole thing, which was really I know, I know it was two months.

Sade Curry: 36:10

That was your two month anniversary, two months which is, I know, it feels early.

Kelly Bonnano: 36:14

But he, you know, and I I'm like I yeah, and then right, because realistic, because it's like you don't really know someone in that time, but I felt love and he felt love for me and we just clicked and then it kept going and growing and and look, it wasn't all perfect. You know we had to. You know we've had our glitches and our things, but we work it out and I love that.

Sade Curry: 36:34

that's so romantic and and actually what I was going to point out was actually that's a little more healthy, because for a lot of relationships that are love bombing, what happened on that day two months in is happening like the first two weeks. Yeah, yeah, that's like oh my gosh, that's a lot.

Kelly Bonnano: 36:57

No way yeah and not yes. No, he didn't do that thing, yeah he just, we just kind of in a healthy way and also he he. The thing is this is for women out there men, good men, do not want game players, like if a woman played a game, he would, they would, she would not get attention.

Sade Curry: 37:15

Yeah, the same way we don't like men who play games, the good guys don't like it either.

Kelly Bonnano: 37:22

Yeah, in high school.

Sade Curry: 37:23

Yeah, yeah, 100%. I wanted to delve a little, just a little bit deeper into the feelings. Part of it because and this is something my clients often asked me like when they're going on you know this date, and they're like seem to a three people and kind of like reading people out and sometimes they catch feelings along the way, but then the turns out that that feeling was a crush and infatuation. Like, like when we get, when we get to the end of the process and they actually meet their person, they're like oh, now I understand what you're saying about how it feels when it's your person and it's love versus infatuation or lust, or crushing, or just my brain high on dopamine, you know, with this other person. So did you have, like different situations where I maybe not even just with your boyfriend, but like maybe with other people, where this was clearly a crush, and then there's a romantic feeling versus your person and of course they're romantic feelings, but then there's also like this groundedness and calmness and peace, like, just in your own words, what, what's the difference?

Kelly Bonnano: 38:28

Yeah, I think the difference is, like you said, you just you feel like a sense of safety. You feel safe with this person, you feel you trust them.

Sade Curry: 38:37

And you do.

Kelly Bonnano: 38:38

Yeah, you get, you're attracted, of course, because that's part of it, but you also feel, and you just care about that person, Like you really care and you want the best for them. And for me I'm pretty spiritual, I pray, so it's like I find you know you're praying for that person and you, you want the best for that person.

Kelly Bonnano: 38:58

Yeah, and it's not just, and then just being realistic, I mean, it did occur to me like, okay, this we don't know for sure if this is infatuation until we get further in. I mean it feels like love, it really, you know, and it felt like love on both our parts and but then as it, as it grew, and then the love just kept growing, and when it's just an infatuation it's kind of fleeting and also you don't feel, you don't feel grounded, you don't feel like settled, you don't feel the trust, but you do feel the, maybe the butterflies or the. You know you want to jump on or something.

Sade Curry: 39:38

Yeah, yeah, and sometimes the crush can lead to love at the beginning. Yeah, but I think knowing the difference can help you make decisions. Well, okay, I'm still in the I mean this infatuation stage. I need to keep bringing in the calm and the logic and the my time. That's how I think it was for us.

Kelly Bonnano: 39:57

We were like like crushing and infatuated. It felt like, and it, it felt like that from him, like, and I liked that. I liked that somebody was like you know, crushing on me, like that and and just all excited about me and it was cool and then so I just kind of I'm also just thought I'm not going to read too much into it, I'm just going to go with it, just go with it and then see where it goes, and if it doesn't grow, then it when it wasn't meant to grow, and if it does, here we are yeah, congratulations, that was what an amazing story.

Sade Curry: 40:26

So my last question is just what's your advice for you know, because this whole divorce thing is a journey and everyone's in like all these different stages. So now you're at the, you're at the I mean love got my partner stage. Yay, it's an amazing stage. So, like for the women who are still coming up, like, what's your advice for them about relationships and dating and finding their partner?

Kelly Bonnano: 40:54

My first advice is, like I said earlier, go into it with an open mind and just fun, that you're just going to have fun, Just have fun with it and don't place any. You can have your goals and your values and your ideals, but don't place any restrictions. Yeah, Just have fun. Get out there, meet. And also it is a bit of a numbers game, you know, I mean it, it. It lets me honest, it is.

Sade Curry: 41:23

It's going to be more than one person that you're going to go on a first date with, so we don't know what the max is, but it's going to be between one and a hundred somewhere there.

Kelly Bonnano: 41:32

Yeah, yeah. So be open. Open and just and know that you know, and also look at each date as is just maybe a learning experience what you're kind of looking for and not looking for, and and being open to to different types of people, because you never know and and you know you have to have some kind of spark when you're if you're doing it on the app, so at least you've got to have some kind of you know. Something has to make you want to go out with the person and and being open to to different, just different types of people, because you just kind of never know. You know and without you know your values and what you're looking for and and and things.

Kelly Bonnano: 42:18

Also looking for being realistic about things that your your basic ethics and and values in life. I think those have to line up. Like don't try to force a square into a hole. You know, I mean and, and so if a guy has really some values that just don't align with yours but you like him in other ways, like be realistic, because that's where I think we can fall into the infatuation thing, like oh, I can change him or oh, it'll be fine, and then you get yourself in a relationship that's really not with the right person.

Sade Curry: 42:53

Yeah, amazing, amazing, I love it. Thank you so much for that. Thank you so much for that. I just love. I love how practical and you know, in the end, when you, when we look back, it's like, oh, it was really an ordinary journey, but meeting people, people finding love, people finding each other is an everyday occurrence, like humanity's been doing it for that's something is be open to opportunities and get out in the world.

Kelly Bonnano: 43:22

The apps are great, but that's where I said that. Oh, it's like I wanted to make like on Bumble. I made some girlfriends you know new friends new girlfriends that helps too.

Kelly Bonnano: 43:30

And just broaden your horizons, get out there in the world and focus on living, not not finding. The one like if you're out there living and doing, like maybe a new hobby, a new meetup or something, and then you just never know who's going to get into your life, and that that really helps too. And also, like I said I'm going to go back to what I said before the belief. Like I just had. This belief I didn't have the one, you know, to try not to have the belief that no good guys are out there, that there are wonderful guys out there and the one that I'm going to end up with is looking for me and waiting for me. Yeah, have to keep that belief. Yeah, sometimes you know it takes some help to get there. We're just a little by that belief but yeah, amazing.

Sade Curry: 44:12

Thank you, kelly, thank you so.

Kelly Bonnano: 44:16

So much for coming on.

Sade Curry: 44:17

Yeah, absolutely. So the circling back to your work, would you tell the listeners a little bit about the summit that's coming up, the work that you do, what you're putting together and how they can participate?

Kelly Bonnano: 44:30

Sure. So the summit is loving life after divorce and it is for for, you know, anyone who is going through a divorce, or just on the other side, or even thinking about it. Because, let's face it, we, you know, we think about divorce, for I mean, in some cases for a long time, before it happens. So this is is good for that too. And you know, even if somebody's been divorced for a long time, that they're feeling stuck, they're feeling they're still having trouble moving forward. They still have not, they're not at that point where they're saying I'm happier than I've ever been, like that's my mission for my clients, for people.

Kelly Bonnano: 45:02

So when we have so many great speakers on all kinds of all kinds of subjects that that are going to be pertinent to you, like dating, I'm so glad, oh gosh, our conversation is so good. Dating, dealing with finances, dealing with, you know, betrayal and fidelity We've got some of that and just you know, wellness and creating a life you want, like a thing, ways to get out of, to get unstuck and and and move forward and just to open up your. Each speaker gives you just so many great insights and you know different perspectives to, to open yourself up to really getting to that next chapter and and moving forward with, just with love and confidence and grace and and and getting putting the past behind you.

Kelly Bonnano: 45:56

And having, having it's that light at the end of the tunnel, getting there and being like where we are, you know it's. It's so easy to to to say, oh, believe me, you're going to, it's going to be great, but if you're, if you're not there, it's so hard to believe. So, with this summit is I really want to get people hope. And yeah, we have like over 25 speakers and it's just, you know, you're going to find, find some people that you resonate with and and and the advice you're looking for. And then you can kind of pick and choose which talks you want to go for and yeah, it's completely free.

Kelly Bonnano: 46:29

So the URL will be in the, the show notes, and then also people can can find me on Kelly Bonannocom B-O-N-A-N-N-O. It's a tricky one to spell. And then Kelly Bonanno on Instagram as well, and I also have like I have free resources on my site, like I have a good free guide. That it's bad advice that keeps you stuck in the pain of your divorce, like that bad advice. We definitely we talked about it on the summit where the rules, the rules, the bad rule of oh for every. I think you mentioned something.

Sade Curry: 46:59

Yeah, but it was one year. Stay single for one year for every three years. You were married and don't date, and of course I had been. It took 20 years, so I was 20 years, so I would have had to force myself to stay single for six years after my divorce to follow that rule.

Kelly Bonnano: 47:15

Yeah, that's insane. Now you kind of date when you're ready. You shouldn't date when you're ready, but you got. I mean no. And the other thing I will say and I think we mentioned this on the summit is you know, you got to get yourself out there and you're probably ready before you think you're ready, but you do need to do the work to be ready so you don't repeat patterns.

Sade Curry: 47:33

And yeah, 100%, 100%, yeah, thank you for your work. With divorce, I'm always saying like we're still an underserved community. So I just love that you're putting the summit together and that you're doing this work. So you know again, thank you for the work, looking forward to, you know, seeing the summit. It's coming up. So then in the next week or so, all of you just you have the dates, we know the dates are.

Kelly Bonnano: 47:58

The summit starts on September 25th.

Sade Curry: 48:01

September 25th.

Kelly Bonnano: 48:02

yes, so that's the start date, so make sure Direct access yeah.

Sade Curry: 48:07

So thank you for joining us here and joining in the summit. Kelly, thank you so much for your time. Thank you for your story and your advice on the podcast. I really appreciate it.

Kelly Bonnano: 48:15

My pleasure. Thank you very much for having me.

Sade Curry: 48:17

Absolutely, and listeners, we want to thank you for your time and attention. Please check out all the resources in the show notes and we will see you next time.