Ever feel like you're on a wild goose chase in your dating life, constantly second-guessing yourself? In this episode, I discuss about the importance of self-discovery and core value identification for a successful dating journey. I also talk about the importance of really listening to your inner voice in order to understand your wants, needs, and fears. This episode is a call to action for women to put themselves first and avoid the pitfall of self-doubt in the dating arena.
You'll learn how to unlock the power of your core values in making successful dating decisions and how to discern what's vital for your well-being by identifying your ideal relationship type and recognizing potential partners who resonate with your core values. This isn't just about finding a partner; it's about finding yourself.
❤️ Take the core values test and discover your core values
❤️ Explore the parts of your mission, life story, beliefs and lifestyle that are most important to your relationship
❤️ Create a relationship vision that clearly aligns with your core values so that you know the type of partner that would be right for you
❤️ Identify the critical attributes of your partner that will make him a fit for your values and relationship vision
❤️ Easily weed out the men aren't a fit and recognize the man who is
CREATE YOUR CORE VALUES BLUEPRINT
❤️ Get the exact framework for crafting your core values dating blueprint that shows you what to say and how to date to meet the partner who’s right for you
❤️ Learn the 5 steps to translating your core values into a written blueprint that guides your dating decisions
PUT YOUR BEST SELF OUT THERE AT EVERY STAGE OF DATING
❤️ Learn exactly how to apply your core values to every part of dating - Add it to your dating profile so that it is as unique and compelling as you are
❤️ Use core values in text messages to tell great stories and inspire interesting conversations
❤️ Use core values to ask questions that qualify if a man is right for you
❤️ Use core values at social events and in person interactions to effortlessly attract people in the room who match you
❤️ Learn how to express your core values with confidence and clarity at every stage of the dating process
Hello everyone, Welcome back to the dating after a divorce podcast. Today we are talking about leading in dating with your core values. So self-discovery and your core values and this is really the heart of my approach to dating, and it's very custom so like there's no set of core values that would apply to everyone. The understanding here is that you have your own core values. You have the things in your life that you want, that are important to you, that are critical to you, and knowing that means you need to take the time to self-discover, to discover what those are. Now, some people are super intuitive and maybe have done this work in therapy or have done this work with a coach, so you already kind of know exactly what you want. But I want to challenge you to take a step back and intentionally check do I really know what I want? Do I really know myself? Am I really fully aware of the life that I want on a deep level, on all of the nuanced levels that knowing oneself comes with?
Sade Curry:
When I work with women, I tend to notice that they're very aware of what their partners or their potential partners are doing. They're very aware of their children's needs. They often lead in dating with what their children need, or they often lead with what their partner needs or what the person that they are dating needs. And whenever I hear we're coaching it or we're talking and I hear 15 minutes of what the other person wants and what the other person did and the confusion or the concerns, it is always an indicator to me that that person may not be as solid in the knowledge of themselves as they think. Because the confusion comes because deep down there's a dissonance, there's a disconnect, there is an incompatibility between what they're experiencing and what they want. But because they don't have clarity on what that is, the whole situation just seems very confusing. A lot of confusion in dating comes because of second guessing what you want deep down, the experience you want deep down, who you are deep down and what you are experiencing in the world, what you are participating in in the world, who you are participating in it with, and that like it feels like an itchy, scratchy t-shirt or a piece of clothing.
Sade Curry:
And if you haven't done self discovery at the level that I'm talking about it, or at least do it continuously, being continuously in touch with yourself, your needs, your wants, your fears, you can make dating really hard and we're going to just socialize. We're socialized to put everyone else first. We're socialized to look outside of ourselves for validation as to whether or not what we're doing is right, whether or not what we're doing is useful, whether or not what we're doing is going to get results. We're not taught that our answers are all inside right, Like and even if you are wanting, you know, connecting to a higher power or connecting to spirit or connecting to your own awareness and consciousness, it's still inside. No one on the outside of you can validate that you are on the right path for yourself. But what I notice is my, my all ladies in my audience are asking their mothers and they're asking their friends and they're asking their partners. They're asking even like someone they're on a first date with, looking for validation that they're doing it right. And self discovery on a deep level teaches you to go inwards, to connect with your own core values, to have clarity around, not just what you want.
Sade Curry:
This is not about a list. They're actually in my program. There are two steps before you get to making a list of the person you want, Right. The first step is who are you? How well do you know you? What kind of relationship do you have with you? If you were your own parent? How connected would you be to this child of yours yourself? I like to use these models to sort of like shift the person's brain into thinking about looking at themselves. Right, how well do you know you? How well and how well? Not just do you know you, but are you creating space for who you really are in the world, just for yourself?
Sade Curry:
I work with divorced women, as you all know, so one of the things that many of us say after the divorce is that, oh, I lost myself in that marriage. I lost myself in that relationship. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not even in touch with my identity. And that is very true, not just because you were married, but because women are socialized and encouraged and taught and pushed and pressured into doing all of that right from when we're little. So many of us maybe we say we lost ourselves in the first marriage or second marriage. But maybe did you even know yourself, right? How well did you know yourself going into that first marriage? So you might be self taking the time for self discovery and reconnecting with yourself.
Sade Curry:
It might be a lifetime of being disconnected from yourself that you're trying to resolve before dating again or in the process of dating again, so that your needs and what makes you happy is front and center of your dating experience. My goal is really to teach you to center yourself in your dating experience. Of course you take your kids into consideration. Of course you want someone who is comfortable being a part of your traditions and your family traditions, but no one else is in your head, no one else is in your life, no one else can do this for you. No one else is in your skin, and so you have to relearn the art of listening to the signals that come from the inside of you. And it really does take taking a step back and doing that work.
Sade Curry:
For some of us it is some work. Some people are kind of intuitively, know how to do that or have already done it. But if you haven't done it, this is not work that you do by default. It doesn't just happen, unfortunately, it's our natural state. But if you have been conditioned to not live in your natural state, this is not work. That will naturally happen If you find yourself going on dates and wondering if the guy is going to like you or not, and then you leave the date and you're not sure if you like him, you didn't ask him any questions or he didn't know what questions to ask. You didn't know whether he matched with your likes, dislikes, your goals and dreams then you might need to take a step back and do this work.
Sade Curry:
The way it works in my program is we do the self-discovery work, we go deep, you know, and then we create a relationship vision. So even before we get to the man, it's like hey, this is who I am Solid, clear, immovable. Your core is like strong. Your ability to protect who you are and protect your journey is like solid. And then For some women they're like you know what I'm actually good, I don't need the relationship. What I have discovered in my self-discovery journey is that I want something else. I want something different. That often happens. And for those who say you know what? I have looked all over, I've checked, I have reconnected with myself and I want to share my life with someone. Then the next step is to say what does it look like to share your life with someone? Not who is the person that I want, it's what does it look like to share your life with someone? And getting solid on what that relationship vision looks like and that becomes an essential foundation. That knowledge of who you are, the relationship you want, becomes a solid foundation for identifying the person who will be the best choice for you as a partner. And it really accelerates your dating journey after this, because your nose are very, very clear, right All of the confusion around who's and know all of the second guessing, even if you get mansplained or someone says oh, you should give me my chance, give me a benefit of the doubt, blah, blah, yadda, yadda.
Sade Curry:
Lower your standards. It's so easy to know that, oh yeah, no, that's not for me. Not because I'm being too picky or whatever, but because I have set my standard based on who I am. This is who I am Like. It's not something that I can just turn off. I can't turn off the fact that I love adventure. I can't turn off the fact that financial security is important to me. I can't turn off the fact that nature is important to me. So there's no point in being with someone who doesn't enjoy those things. Because I have deep dived, I know this is who I am. I know what's essential to my well-being, I know the kind of relationship that would be essential to that well-being, and so it's obvious that this person would not be right.
Sade Curry:
For me, it also helps with being more open with people who match your core values. So sometimes we have the man list and he has certain things on it that are sprinkles, but we think those sprinkles something like oh, their height or whatever. If we don't have the core, your core values and what you've discovered about yourself, that's most important then we tend to take things that are not as important, put them in the core, find someone who fits those things and then, if we find out later that they didn't match up with it, Like, oh yeah, he needs to look like this and he needs to have this kind of job and all those things, and we take those external attributes and assume that those external attributes mean that this person matches our core values. But if you don't know your core values, you can't pick the right external attributes or ignore the external attributes that have nothing to do with the core value, Right? So sometimes I've talked to women and they're like, well, I don't want him to have this kind of a job because and then they have their reasons, but the external attribute doesn't actually protect them from the thing they're trying to avoid. Oh, I don't want to be with someone who has never been married because they won't have empathy or be good with kids, and I'm like well, I get that your core value is to be with someone who is this way, but the external attribute you're achieving is not an indicator of what you are looking for. So let's stick with figuring out how to recognize what you are looking for, how to recognize a person who matches this core value, so that you can actually be open when you need to be open and say no when you need to say no. And so I have really been emphasizing this resetting and rediscovering core values to my clients, because I've just found out that if we skip over that part, there's so many things that become hard. If we skip over the self-discovery, then the dating profile is just it won't work because you're not speaking to the man who matches what you want right, what you really want, what you really want deep down. And when you are asking questions, you're asking questions that have nothing to do with you, or you're just making small talk when texting, or making small talk when you're on the first date, and then you come away without any additional knowledge of whether or not this person was anything like what you're looking for.
Sade Curry:
Another thing that I noticed with people and I see this in the comment is people set their blueprint based on the X. Anything that's not the X, which I get. That I totally understand that because you've had this harrowing experience with this person. If you've had a heroin experience with this person, it can be easy to say, well, if I go for anything that doesn't look like him, then I am going to be okay, I'm going to be safe, I'm going to find what I want.
Sade Curry:
But the opposite of your ex is not necessarily what matches your core values. The opposite of your ex is not necessarily what will be a nourishing, loving, supportive relationship for you. What is good for you is just what is good for you. Has nothing to do with not the ex or like this person, or like this person's spouse or the person that my friends will think is cute. It has nothing to do with that. What is good for you is just what's good for you.
Sade Curry:
I liken it to our nutrition. Especially if you're 40 plus. We all know what feels good in our bodies changes. For some of us we've had to go gluten-free. For some of us you've had to go dairy-free. Some people have had to change what you eat because you notice that the impact of what you eat on your body, it's not you. You're not the one doing it. It's just who you are and what your body is asking for. The same thing here. There's just who you are and the kinds of people that will be nourishing to you. It's not a slam against any other person. It's not a slam against different kinds of people or people who have different core values than you.
Sade Curry:
Adventure is one of my core values. People who want to live on a farm and grow plants and food and homestead and be in that one spot for the rest of their lives are amazing. I love farms, I love visiting farms, but I wouldn't want to be in that situation, At least not right now, Not where I am in my life, where adventure and seeing the world and traveling and meeting so many different kinds of people is such a core experience to my well-being. I really want you to think about. What is your North Star when you're swiping on the apps? What is your North Star when you're saying yes to a date or no to a date?
Sade Curry:
Is your North Star set to your core values? Is it set to who you really are? Is it set to the work you've done in self-discovery, in rediscovering yourself, in charting out this new journey for the second half of your life? If you haven't, I want to encourage you to do that work. I want to encourage you to reach out and do a consultation call with me and see if doing that work with me in addition to the dating work and the healing work that will lead you to meeting your partner, if working with me is going to be the right fit for you. That's our podcast for today, talking about core values. Self-discovery, rediscovering your relationship with yourself, your understanding of yourself, and bringing that to the dating journey will make all of the difference to what you're doing. So thanks for your time and attention today and I will see you next time.