192. Should Dating be Faster and Easier?

As a high-achiever, you may find dating more challenging than it ought to be. This episode is a must-listen for all ambitious individuals who often find themselves in the quest for quick results, even in their love lives. I take a candid look into the world of dating, deciphering why it often seems more difficult than it should be.

I talk about the importance of patience and perseverance when navigating the dating landscape and look into the impacts of instant gratification, and how it eventually makes the dating journey tougher. I also discuss why it's essential to stop beating yourself up for wanting things to be easier and faster, and instead focus on cherishing your individual dating journeys.

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Transcript

Sade Curry: 0:28

Hello everyone, welcome back to the podcast. So I have a little pep talk for you today by way of a little bit of a dose of reality. We're going to talk about dating being easy or easier than what you might be experiencing. And this has come up just because I've had multiple conversations with my clients this week where, underlying their frustration about their journey and this happens very often at the beginning, when we first start walking together, where it feels like, well, this is just not as easy as I thought it would be, or it should be going a little bit faster. So I just want to talk about that a little bit, but before I do that, I want to ask you for a favor. If you are enjoying the podcast and if this content is useful for you, I would like you to hit the share button on the podcast text. A friend, let them know that this podcast exists, and if you would be willing to leave a five star review on the content, I would really really appreciate that. All right, let's talk about dating being easier.

Sade Curry: 1:45

There is sort of this phenomenon in our brain. It's an adaptation, because you know caveman days, we had to conserve calories, right. So our brain has adapted to really want to make everything you do easier. And it doesn't matter how easy something is, your brain is going to think it should be even easier than that, it should be even faster than that, and that's because your brain wants to conserve calories, it wants to conserve energy. If you've had your willy mammoth meal, you know today, but you have no idea where your next meal is going to come from. You have no idea when you're going to catch your next mammoth or rabbit or deer. You don't know how long it's going to take for you to hit the next patch of berries. Then, of course, you're going to want to conserve everything you have. You're not going to want to do anything that causes you to use calories, and everything basically involves the use of calories. Everything involves energy, and so this is why we resist work, this is why we resist effort, this is why we resist even activities that we enjoy but that require effort, and I've noticed this in myself.

Sade Curry: 3:10

They're just certain parts of town that I really enjoy being at certain activities. I love to do their parks in my area that I love to go and just take a run in. I love going to the art museum, the history museum, but every time I put it on my calendar to go do something fun. Just before I go to do it, I feel the resistance to actually get up, put on my outside clothes, get into my car, drive to the event and enjoy myself. Now, when I get there, I have a great time and I come back feeling refreshed and vibrant and alive.

Sade Curry: 3:51

But the little space between when I commit to going, when I actually take the action of going, and when I get there, that space is naturally full of resistance, and often I have to coach myself out of it or remind myself that, oh, this is just what the brain does. It resists expending energy, even on things that we enjoy or even on things that have a payoff at the end. Your brain, the lower brain, wants instant gratification. It wants there to be no space, no distance and no effort between where you are and what you want. And so, that said, if you are experiencing wanting dating to be faster and easier and instant, if you are wanting to get on the apps and only go on a date with the one guy that you really, really like and that you know is going to commit to you and that you're going to ride off into the sunset with. Just know that there's nothing wrong with you. Your brain is working as designed to protect you, to keep you alive and to conserve your energy until you find your next woolly mammoth. It's just the way the brain works. So this you know. Content this podcast episode isn't supposed to make you beat yourself up. It's not supposed to make you feel bad about yourself if you are wanting things to be faster and easier. It is to explain why that is happening to you. It is to explain why you're thinking that way and why it feels so hard.

Sade Curry: 5:29

I remember getting coached by my own coach. I worked with a coach to declutter my home, to really go through 20 years of stuff that I had moved out of my marital home into my basement and work through it, and it just felt so hard. And she coached me on the word hard. She's like what does it mean for something to be hard? And as we dug into it and dug into my thoughts and my feelings around it, literally I realized that everything feels hard, everything. The only thing that didn't feel hard to me was breathing and I was like oh, my brain just wants to sit on the couch and breathe. That's it. Anything else feels hard, like, sometimes getting up to get a meal feels hard. Getting up, walking across the room to get the remote and turn on the TV feels hard to my brain. And so I realized, oh, whenever I have the thought it's too hard, it's just my brain working as design, and that really set me free to not use the word hard against myself and to not beat myself up for not wanting to do this, for not feeling like I was lazy or undisciplined. It was just like, oh yeah, my brain just has resistance to this and we work through releasing that resistance so that I could do the things that I wanted. So just know that dating should not necessarily be easier.

Sade Curry: 6:54

If you're listening to this, you are probably like all of my clients ambitious, successful, high achieving person who has high standards. You're into personal development. You want to live a life of excellence. You want to show up for the big stuff. You want to make an impact on the world. And when dating, you want someone who is like that too. You want someone who shows up for life at the level that you are. You want to live at the level that you do. Well, for sure, that person is going to be just a little harder to find and meet than you know if you had your standards way low and anybody would do so, if you're looking at other people's journeys and you're like well, they didn't have to, you know, go on 30 first dates before they meet their person, and they didn't have to qualify men in the text messages and they didn't have to go through this process of slowly increasing the quality of men that they meet until they met their person. Well, why do I have to do that? Is something wrong with me? No, there's nothing wrong with you. You just probably have higher standards. You might be looking for a unicorn, you might be looking for someone who's like you, who is just showing up for life at this really high level, and those people are just going to be a little bit fewer in the population.

Sade Curry: 8:16

I've talked before about how I, you know, will often do a personality test for my client and, if they are of a rarer personality type, letting them know that, hey, you're showing up in life at this level. You have this kind of personality, your person exists. We might just have to do a little more work to find that person. You can't just wing it the way your girlfriend did it and find this particular kind of person. So the same goes for thinking that finding your person should be faster right. And when you are thinking things should be easier or things should be faster, you will end up taking actions to look for a shortcut because you think something is going wrong with the way you're doing it. So you end up looking for shortcuts, right?

Sade Curry: 9:02

I talked to a client this week who was kind of sort of thinking this way should be faster, it should be easier, and she ended up opening up her, her distance To accommodate people who lived hours away, because she was like, well, it should be faster, I must be doing something wrong. Let me open it up to people who live four hours away. And the problem with that is you might find more people, but now you've just made Creating a commitment and creating a relationship harder, right. So you've gotten the instant gratification of Meeting more people today, right. And so your brain feels good and it's like, yay, we met 10 more people. But then as you go down and Connect and try to find out who this person really is, and you try to evaluate the person and see if they're right for you, that gets harder, because now you can only see the person once every six weeks and now you have to do face times and then the person might not have time for face times and he just ends up fizzling out, and so then you've wasted three months with someone that you really couldn't get to know because they lived far away.

Sade Curry: 10:04

And I bring this up because I Really try not to coach my clients on long distance relationships. For the most part I'm like hey, I think if we work this process the way we need to, we can really find you someone local. Now again, this is on a client by client basis and it really depends on where the client is and what they're doing and if the conditions around them could support a long distance relationship. But overall, my personal philosophy is hey, if you really want a relationship that's nourishing, well, you can get to snuggle up with your person on the couch. Let's not do a long distance relationship.

Sade Curry: 10:37

But many people will opt for a long distance relationship because they think it's too hard to find someone local. But they end up expanding the same energy Trying to connect with someone who lives far away. So my advice usually is like listen, let's just drop the thought that it's too hard. Let's just drop the thought that it should be faster. Let's just sit with or Work with. What if it is just what it is? What if finding your particular partner is just going to take a certain amount of time, it's going to take a certain amount of first dates and it's going to take a certain amount of effort and work on accepting that and Leaning into that so that you can go through that process and end up with the price at the end of the day?

Sade Curry: 11:24

What if your journey, my journey, took 18 months? I've talked about that from the time I got onto the apps To the moment I met my husband on the apps was exactly 18 months. What if that was just what it was going to be, right? What if? I mean, of course, if I had known the things I know now from working with hundreds of women, maybe it would have been faster, but I didn't know what I know now and so it just took 18 months. But the prize was just worth it. Being where I am was just worth it. I don't think like, oh, if it had been six months, it would have been better. Yeah, maybe I would have expended less effort and had fewer frustrations, but efforts and frustrations, maybe they're just a part of life Right. Maybe we can handle that. Maybe we are adults and we're mature and we don't need everything to come immediately or instantly, and maybe we can learn from some of the situations that we face and the failures that we experience and we can come back bigger and better and tweak the process and troubleshoot it and get it exactly where we want it to be so that we can meet our person.

Sade Curry: 12:27

So consider that your dating journey is just what it needs to be. Now. This doesn't mean you can't learn something new. This doesn't mean you can't hire a coach like me to help you, you know, so that you're not trying to figure it all out on your own. But what if it doesn't need to be easier? What if it doesn't need to be faster?

Sade Curry: 12:49

Now, I'm not encouraging just going out and having a ton of horrid experiences while dating and saying, well, it doesn't need to be easier. I just need to like let these guys treat me like crap. That's not what I'm saying, because I really do want to work with women to make sure they're having good experiences and my clients do when they go on dates. Usually the dates are good dates, so sometimes not the person that they're going to be with forever, but they are good, decent dates so that they can increase the quality and the compatibility with their person. So I'm not encouraging you to go have terrible experiences. You can learn how to have good experiences on your dates, but what if that journey is just a particular journey of learning and transformation and learning a particular skill that eventually gets you to your person, and there is going to be some effort along the way and there is going to be some time that lapses as you go through that journey.

Sade Curry: 13:48

However, the real question is if it's going to take you six months to meet your person, are you in? Are you in If it's going to take you going on two dates a week for the next three or four months to really dial in your process and really figure out how to find the kinds of people that you want to date? The real question is not well, should it take four months or should it take four weeks? The real question is, are you in for that effort? Are you in for that timeline of four months? Are you committed to meeting your person and do you have the belief that there's that person out there for you that will propel you to say you know what I want this, I want this and I'm going to do what it takes. I want this and I'm going to invest that time and that energy and the money, because sometimes people will say things like they don't want to pay for dating apps. That's not a thing. Okay, let's just not. Let's just not do that. Let's pay so that we can have the amazing features that help us meet our person faster. Right, are you in for what it takes to meet your person? That's the real question, because once you're in, there's no obstacle that's going to stand in your way. You're just going to be like oh yeah, this is in my way, but you know what? I'm going to get it out of my way so that I can have what I want.

Sade Curry: 15:08

All right, that is my pep talk slash rant for today. I hope it really helps you come out of being discouraged or feeling like there's something wrong with you. That should be easier, it should be faster and you're doing it wrong. You're not. It's just the way our brains think, and some of these journeys just require a certain amount of effort job hunting, finding a new house you're going to try to buy a home, moving, finding a new partner these things require time, effort, attention and resources invested in the process to get what we want, and the better the results we want. Sometimes, the more the effort and the more the investment we have to make. All right, thank you so much for your time and attention. I appreciate you as a listener. I will talk to you next time.