191. Dating with Core Values

Ever feel like you're on a wild goose chase in your dating life, constantly second-guessing yourself? In this episode, I discuss about the importance of self-discovery and core value identification for a successful dating journey. I also talk about the importance of really listening to your inner voice in order to understand your wants, needs, and fears. This episode is a call to action for women to put themselves first and avoid the pitfall of self-doubt in the dating arena.

You'll learn how to unlock the power of your core values in making successful dating decisions and how to discern what's vital for your well-being by identifying your ideal relationship type and recognizing potential partners who resonate with your core values. This isn't just about finding a partner; it's about finding yourself.

Discover Your "Core Values Dating Blueprint" And How You Can Use It On:

•  Dating Apps
• Text Messages
•  and Social Events To Meet & Attract Eligible Men Who Match You

Dating with your Core Values helps you Easily Connect With Your True Match Partner (without chasing, settling, or wasting time with non-committal men)

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The Core Values Dating Blueprint Helps you:

DISCOVER YOUR CORE VALUES

❤️ Take the core values test and discover your core values

❤️ Explore the parts of your mission, life story, beliefs and lifestyle that are most important to your relationship

❤️ Create a relationship vision that clearly aligns with your core values so that you know the type of partner that would be right for you 

❤️ Identify the critical attributes of your partner that will make him a fit for your values and relationship vision

❤️ Easily weed out the men aren't a fit and recognize the man who is

CREATE YOUR CORE VALUES BLUEPRINT

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❤️ Learn exactly how to apply your core values to every part of dating - Add it to your dating profile so that it is as unique and compelling as you are

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Transcript

Self-Discovery and Core Values in Dating

Sade Curry 0:02

Hello everyone , Welcome back to the dating after a divorce podcast . Today we are talking about leading in dating with your core values . So self-discovery and your core values and this is really the heart of my approach to dating , and it's very custom so like there's no set of core values that would apply to everyone . The understanding here is that you have your own core values . You have the things in your life that you want , that are important to you , that are critical to you , and knowing that means you need to take the time to self-discover , to discover what those are . Now , some people are super intuitive and maybe have done this work in therapy or have done this work with a coach , so you already kind of know exactly what you want . But I want to challenge you to take a step back and intentionally check do I really know what I want ? Do I really know myself ? Am I really fully aware of the life that I want on a deep level , on all of the nuanced levels that knowing oneself comes with ?

Sade Curry 1:29

When I work with women , I tend to notice that they're very aware of what their partners or their potential partners are doing . They're very aware of their children's needs . They often lead in dating with what their children need , or they often lead with what their partner needs or what the person that they are dating needs . And whenever I hear we're coaching it or we're talking and I hear 15 minutes of what the other person wants and what the other person did and the confusion or the concerns , it is always an indicator to me that that person may not be as solid in the knowledge of themselves as they think . Because the confusion comes because deep down there's a dissonance , there's a disconnect , there is an incompatibility between what they're experiencing and what they want . But because they don't have clarity on what that is , the whole situation just seems very confusing . A lot of confusion in dating comes because of second guessing what you want deep down , the experience you want deep down , who you are deep down and what you are experiencing in the world , what you are participating in in the world , who you are participating in it with , and that like it feels like an itchy , scratchy t-shirt or a piece of clothing .

Sade Curry 2:58

And if you haven't done self discovery at the level that I'm talking about it , or at least do it continuously , being continuously in touch with yourself , your needs , your wants , your fears , you can make dating really hard and we're going to just socialize . We're socialized to put everyone else first . We're socialized to look outside of ourselves for validation as to whether or not what we're doing is right , whether or not what we're doing is useful , whether or not what we're doing is going to get results . We're not taught that our answers are all inside right , Like and even if you are wanting , you know , connecting to a higher power or connecting to spirit or connecting to your own awareness and consciousness , it's still inside . No one on the outside of you can validate that you are on the right path for yourself . But what I notice is my , my all ladies in my audience are asking their mothers and they're asking their friends and they're asking their partners . They're asking even like someone they're on a first date with , looking for validation that they're doing it right . And self discovery on a deep level teaches you to go inwards , to connect with your own core values , to have clarity around , not just what you want .

Sade Curry 4:20

This is not about a list . They're actually in my program . There are two steps before you get to making a list of the person you want , Right . The first step is who are you ? How well do you know you ? What kind of relationship do you have with you ? If you were your own parent ? How connected would you be to this child of yours yourself ? I like to use these models to sort of like shift the person's brain into thinking about looking at themselves . Right , how well do you know you ? How well and how well ? Not just do you know you , but are you creating space for who you really are in the world , just for yourself ?

Sade Curry 4:58

I work with divorced women , as you all know , so one of the things that many of us say after the divorce is that , oh , I lost myself in that marriage . I lost myself in that relationship . I don't even know who I am anymore . I'm not even in touch with my identity . And that is very true , not just because you were married , but because women are socialized and encouraged and taught and pushed and pressured into doing all of that right from when we're little . So many of us maybe we say we lost ourselves in the first marriage or second marriage . But maybe did you even know yourself , right ? How well did you know yourself going into that first marriage ? So you might be self taking the time for self discovery and reconnecting with yourself .

Sade Curry 5:43

It might be a lifetime of being disconnected from yourself that you're trying to resolve before dating again or in the process of dating again , so that your needs and what makes you happy is front and center of your dating experience . My goal is really to teach you to center yourself in your dating experience . Of course you take your kids into consideration . Of course you want someone who is comfortable being a part of your traditions and your family traditions , but no one else is in your head , no one else is in your life , no one else can do this for you . No one else is in your skin , and so you have to relearn the art of listening to the signals that come from the inside of you . And it really does take taking a step back and doing that work .

Sade Curry 6:38

For some of us it is some work . Some people are kind of intuitively , know how to do that or have already done it . But if you haven't done it , this is not work that you do by default . It doesn't just happen , unfortunately , it's our natural state . But if you have been conditioned to not live in your natural state , this is not work . That will naturally happen If you find yourself going on dates and wondering if the guy is going to like you or not , and then you leave the date and you're not sure if you like him , you didn't ask him any questions or he didn't know what questions to ask . You didn't know whether he matched with your likes , dislikes , your goals and dreams then you might need to take a step back and do this work .

Sade Curry 7:22

The way it works in my program is we do the self-discovery work , we go deep , you know , and then we create a relationship vision . So even before we get to the man , it's like hey , this is who I am Solid , clear , immovable . Your core is like strong . Your ability to protect who you are and protect your journey is like solid . And then For some women they're like you know what I'm actually good , I don't need the relationship . What I have discovered in my self-discovery journey is that I want something else . I want something different . That often happens . And for those who say you know what ? I have looked all over , I've checked , I have reconnected with myself and I want to share my life with someone . Then the next step is to say what does it look like to share your life with someone ? Not who is the person that I want , it's what does it look like to share your life with someone ? And getting solid on what that relationship vision looks like and that becomes an essential foundation . That knowledge of who you are , the relationship you want , becomes a solid foundation for identifying the person who will be the best choice for you as a partner . And it really accelerates your dating journey after this , because your nose are very , very clear , right All of the confusion around who's and know all of the second guessing , even if you get mansplained or someone says oh , you should give me my chance , give me a benefit of the doubt , blah , blah , yadda , yadda

Rediscovering Core Values for Successful Dating

Sade Curry 8:55

.

Sade Curry 8:55

Lower your standards . It's so easy to know that , oh yeah , no , that's not for me . Not because I'm being too picky or whatever , but because I have set my standard based on who I am . This is who I am Like . It's not something that I can just turn off . I can't turn off the fact that I love adventure . I can't turn off the fact that financial security is important to me . I can't turn off the fact that nature is important to me . So there's no point in being with someone who doesn't enjoy those things . Because I have deep dived , I know this is who I am . I know what's essential to my well-being , I know the kind of relationship that would be essential to that well-being , and so it's obvious that this person would not be right .

Sade Curry 9:40

For me , it also helps with being more open with people who match your core values . So sometimes we have the man list and he has certain things on it that are sprinkles , but we think those sprinkles something like oh , their height or whatever . If we don't have the core , your core values and what you've discovered about yourself , that's most important then we tend to take things that are not as important , put them in the core , find someone who fits those things and then , if we find out later that they didn't match up with it , Like , oh yeah , he needs to look like this and he needs to have this kind of job and all those things , and we take those external attributes and assume that those external attributes mean that this person matches our core values . But if you don't know your core values , you can't pick the right external attributes or ignore the external attributes that have nothing to do with the core value , Right ? So sometimes I've talked to women and they're like , well , I don't want him to have this kind of a job because and then they have their reasons , but the external attribute doesn't actually protect them from the thing they're trying to avoid . Oh , I don't want to be with someone who has never been married because they won't have empathy or be good with kids , and I'm like well , I get that your core value is to be with someone who is this way , but the external attribute you're achieving is not an indicator of what you are looking for . So let's stick with figuring out how to recognize what you are looking for , how to recognize a person who matches this core value , so that you can actually be open when you need to be open and say no when you need to say no . And so I have really been emphasizing this resetting and rediscovering core values to my clients , because I've just found out that if we skip over that part , there's so many things that become hard . If we skip over the self-discovery , then the dating profile is just it won't work because you're not speaking to the man who matches what you want right , what you really want , what you really want deep down . And when you are asking questions , you're asking questions that have nothing to do with you , or you're just making small talk when texting , or making small talk when you're on the first date , and then you come away without any additional knowledge of whether or not this person was anything like what you're looking for .

Sade Curry 12:15

Another thing that I noticed with people and I see this in the comment is people set their blueprint based on the X . Anything that's not the X , which I get . That I totally understand that because you've had this harrowing experience with this person . If you've had a heroin experience with this person , it can be easy to say , well , if I go for anything that doesn't look like him , then I am going to be okay , I'm going to be safe , I'm going to find what I want .

Sade Curry 12:55

But the opposite of your ex is not necessarily what matches your core values . The opposite of your ex is not necessarily what will be a nourishing , loving , supportive relationship for you . What is good for you is just what is good for you . Has nothing to do with not the ex or like this person , or like this person's spouse or the person that my friends will think is cute . It has nothing to do with that . What is good for you is just what's good for you .

Sade Curry 13:22

I liken it to our nutrition . Especially if you're 40 plus . We all know what feels good in our bodies changes . For some of us we've had to go gluten-free . For some of us you've had to go dairy-free . Some people have had to change what you eat because you notice that the impact of what you eat on your body , it's not you . You're not the one doing it . It's just who you are and what your body is asking for . The same thing here . There's just who you are and the kinds of people that will be nourishing to you . It's not a slam against any other person . It's not a slam against different kinds of people or people who have different core values than you .

Sade Curry 14:03

Adventure is one of my core values . People who want to live on a farm and grow plants and food and homestead and be in that one spot for the rest of their lives are amazing . I love farms , I love visiting farms , but I wouldn't want to be in that situation , At least not right now , Not where I am in my life , where adventure and seeing the world and traveling and meeting so many different kinds of people is such a core experience to my well-being . I really want you to think about . What is your North Star when you're swiping on the apps ? What is your North Star when you're saying yes to a date or no

Find Your North Star and Values

Sade Curry 14:45

to a date ?

Sade Curry 14:45

Is your North Star set to your core values ? Is it set to who you really are ? Is it set to the work you've done in self-discovery , in rediscovering yourself , in charting out this new journey for the second half of your life ? If you haven't , I want to encourage you to do that work . I want to encourage you to reach out and do a consultation call with me and see if doing that work with me in addition to the dating work and the healing work that will lead you to meeting your partner , if working with me is going to be the right fit for you . That's our podcast for today , talking about core values . Self-discovery , rediscovering your relationship with yourself , your understanding of yourself , and bringing that to the dating journey will make all of the difference to what you're doing . So thanks for your time and attention today and I will see you next time .