Dating After Divorce

203. Reinventing Yourself and Finding Love Again After Divorce with Erica Bennett

• Sade Curry

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Are you brave enough to pivot and redefine yourself post a life-altering event like divorce? My guest on today's episode, Erica Bennett, has lived through it and emerged stronger than ever. A global training guru, empowerment coach, and host of the Crazy X Wives Club podcast, Erica takes us on the journey of her healing and self-discovery after divorce. From the raw emotions and trying times of her two-year separation period to finding acceptance and the courage to let go, Erica's story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.

Pull up a chair as Erica shares about her post-divorce life and how she navigated through the process of healing, both physically and emotionally. She speaks of her audacious venture of redefining her identity and consciously using dating apps to connect with the person she envisioned. Erica's experiences of navigating relationships without the elusive "spark" and manifesting love again, might just change the way you perceive your own relationships. 


In the final leg of our conversation, we delve into Erica's approach towards commitment and future planning in relationships post-divorce. From harboring a "we'll see how it goes" attitude to adopting a more intentional approach, Erica emphasizes living in the moment and learning to enjoy the journey. Listen in, as Erica's narrative unfolds, offering valuable insights for those on their own healing journeys, proving it's never too late for transformation and self-discovery.


Featured on the Show: Erica Bennett

Global training guru, empowerment coach, and a woman obsessed with helping you rewire the fear that is holding you back, Erica specializes in helping divorced women navigate the healing journey. With over 20 years of training and coaching experience, Erica brings her blend of “woo and do” to help you line up with your desires and take action for your success.


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Sade Curry:

Hello everyone, welcome back to the Dating and After a Divorce Podcast. I have my colleague and friend, Erica Bennett here on Zoom to record this episode. Erica is a global training guru and powerman coach, and a woman obsessed with helping you rewire the fear that is holding you back. Amen, amen to that. So Erica specializes in helping divorce women navigate the healing journey, and she has over 20 years of training and coaching experience and brings her blend of who and do to help you line up with your desires and take action for your success.

Erica Bennett:

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here, yeah.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, it's so good to have you. You had me on your podcast and we had so much fun recording that episode. Yes, it was so much fun. We're turning the favor and I'm super excited to hear your story. But before we dive in, just kind of tell the audience a little bit about yourself, like who you are, what you do, who your clients are yeah.

Erica Bennett:

So I host the Crazy X Wives Club podcast. So it's all about helping women not be crazy. It's about navigating that healing journey. So that is definitely it's the thing that just fills my cup. I absolutely love that. I launched it just this summer, in June.

Erica Bennett:

So my background is I originally started in sales. I'm super competitive. I like to win. Sales are easy. There's a number.

Erica Bennett:

Right From sales, I moved into corporate training. My job was to help people win and that was specific to selling more product, driving more profitability, delivering better service, right. And I did that and I really loved it for a lot of years and at the same time, I was always exploring self-help, self-development and I was kind of getting into the woo side of the world. Right, we all got to do the five seconds, the action, the smart goals, the la-dee-da-dee-da that we all want to do in the corporate world to action things. But I was testing the waters on the other side and when my separation hit, I fell deeply back into that practice of really understanding how to find happiness with myself.

Erica Bennett:

So I left corporate training because I felt that there was so much more than just the behaviors in 2021 and launched my own business to help people navigate that. How do you line up the mind to free yourself up to the action that leads you forward? So now I offer the podcast, I offer a group transformation. It's a 12-week transformation for divorced women where we meet every week and I guide you through that process from being like do I leave? Who am I now? How do I thrive in this new normal. So at the end of it, you have the tools to be able to take yourself through the rest of your own healing journey. So absolutely love it and that's why I'm excited to be here to talk about this big life-changing event that sent me down a new path.

Sade Curry:

Yes, you know, as you were describing your corporate experience, I I was like she sounds like my typical listener, typical client, the high achieving, high achieving, driven, successful, fix it, do it. Yes, build it. Woman, am I right?

Erica Bennett:

Oh, 100%, so super high, achieving whatever I set my mind to, I got and I had I would definitely consider myself high functioning anxiety, whereas that that fear of failure motivated me to do more, to take on more. You know, it was like top of the class and high school school of my choosing job that I wanted Like if I was going to move, I did it and that way I could always like control everything.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, yeah. And the reason I pointed that out is because there is this pattern that I've worked with so many women now. I just seen this pattern and I'm curious to see if it's true for you that that had a huge impact on how you showed up in your marriage, where you potentially took on all the things Potentially.

Erica Bennett:

Yes, I think it showed up in a few ways. One I showed up still with that corporate hat on of driving the project that I decided we were going to do, and I treated him a bit like an assistant I have the plan, I have the right answers, just fall in line and help me do what I need to do. And then, on the other side of that, when he started not showing up, I took on more because I was like, well, these are the things that have to be done for the we in this relationship, and so I put aside me to be able to take on what needed to happen. You know, if I do more, he'll eventually step back into it. He's just depressed, he's just tired, he's whatever. I made a lot of excuses and put aside a lot of my own needs.

Sade Curry:

Oh my God, so well said. So that's just like that. That experience right there is just so common and I know that resonates a lot with the listeners. So, all right, I think with that that was just a little aside, because I was like, oh my God, she's saying all the things. I wanted to just have you tell your story, like you know, why did you marry your first husband? Like what was that choice? Like Well, who was the Erica that made that choice, you know? And then what happened in that marriage?

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, so we met. I grew up in Wisconsin but then I moved to California for college. I had always wanted to live out there. I used to go visit relatives out there. So I was like that was going to be the new me, right, and so I did, at 18. I packed up the car and off I went to figure out who I was. I wanted to leave a small town and have nobody know who I was, so I could figure out who I wanted to be. So during that time or we're 24, so long ago, right, we met.

Erica Bennett:

He actually was a friend of the neighbor and so I just was like oh, who's this? You know like super cute, tan, you know, white boy. We all laugh because he's actually Hawaiian and German and Japanese. So he's very much not a white boy. But all my friends would laugh. They're like Erica, you had no idea. I was like no, I just I don't know Like. I just thought he was really tan, from, you know, california, but he had all of the things that I had created a dream in my head, right, his family was born and raised from that area, he surfed, he volunteered at the YMCA and worked with kids, and so he fit a lot of those stereotypical things.

Erica Bennett:

And then there was the tension that was there. You know the flirting. He was actually still with his high school sweetheart at the time. You know, we lived next to each other and kind of knew each other as friends for a while first, and then it just went very quickly, like I had never had a boyfriend long term before that, and by like three months he had moved in to my studio. We were living together, we were talking about getting married, we were already making the plans but now, looking back at it, not really having the conversations, so kind of like your point of like hey, I still ran the corporate role in the house. I remember we were driving to my birthday, a birthday dinner one night, and I brought up, like how many kids do you want to have? And he said, yeah, well, I want to have kids. And in my mind I was like, check the box, great, I, I decide how many kids and when we have kids. But he said, yes, so that's it. It's not really a good conversation, but at the time I was just making the marks, taking the list.

Erica Bennett:

So we ended up living together for a few years before we got engaged on a Christmas Eve. And now, looking back at it, you know we're just young kids. My grandma had died a few days before. He refused to go to Christmas Mass with me, which I'm not very religious, but there's something about Christmas Mass, like on Christmas Eve that is part of my holiday tradition the music and the incense and like all of the things. He refused to go so I had to go by myself. I drove home crying, you know my grandma had just died and he's not showing up and I walk in and he has set up this whole engagement like proposal. You know the candles are on and the dogs wearing the ring on the collar and like all the things. And I think, looking back now, you know now I would see that as a red flag that the daily behaviors weren't there for the support I needed, but the flashy stuff was. But again, we were young, you know like we reached just trying to create a story that we wanted.

Erica Bennett:

So we got engaged we're engaged for about a year, got married in the Bahamas a destination wedding and then kind of traveled around to the family to do parties and then what happened was we moved from my job. So one of the things I think that really affected us was, you know, we got married in February, we relocated to a new state in April and knew no one, and so there were no friends, there was no family. We were trying to figure out how to find a place and buy a house, and I was starting a new job and the job wasn't turning out to be what I thought. So I'm coming home crying every day and we don't have any social outlets, whereas when we were in the Bay Area, the friends were there, the family was there, we saw people every single week and it was hard. Yeah, you know, we continued to move forward. We were married about seven years before it all came crashing down. So do you want me to jump into the ending story yet, or do you have more questions on our courtship?

Sade Curry:

I don't know. No, everything you said was perfect. I did want to point one thing out, but I didn't want to interrupt you. You were talking about not having the conversations and just checking the box and just really having compassion. Because it's like, well, nobody knew how to have those conversations and nobody, like I know, my parents, didn't know how to have those conversations. So I mean, I couldn't expect them to teach me how to have those conversations. And then our culture, I don't think, really tells people, hey, here are the conversations you need to have, and here's the detail in this detail, this level of detail, so just having compassion over us and everyone else who just didn't know.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, and I think that that I thought a lot about it because I was like, why didn't I know? Well, I never saw my parents have conversations because they were doing what they felt was best. And those conversations happened after we all went to bed because they wanted to make sure that and I, honestly, I should probably ask my mom I don't know if there was ever a conflict, because I never saw it and so I think in their mind they thought that they were creating very safe. I had a white picket fence, I had a dog, we had two cats, I have two other siblings, like I have the American dream, and I never had to worry about any of that.

Erica Bennett:

So I knew we weren't the richest family, but I knew we weren't the poorest family, we're just the steady middle class. But I never saw them have to actually have a conversation. So I just assumed that when you found your person and the person wanted to get married, that meant you wanted the same thing you want to buy a house in the suburbs, you want to have a couple dogs, you want to have a few kids, you want your weekends to be spent at family functions. Because that's what I saw. I thought that that's what it meant in that if he's saying yes, he wants to get married, that he must want the same things. And now I know how to have the conversations.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, 100%. So I have a colleague, a coach colleague, and I've actually worked with her my husband and I have worked with her on our marriage and she talks about over-communicating and she's like that's the key to relationships you have to over, you have to make it safe enough not just to communicate but over-communicate. Get down in the weeds about the theme that you both are talking about. I tell my clients about frames of reference. He says kids. That's one frame of reference. In your mind, the word kids means OK, three kids in two years at this time. In this way, you're using the same words but two different frames of reference.

Erica Bennett:

Yes, exactly yes. Mine meant three kids two years apart. What did I want? A boy and two girls, because girls need a sister, but you need to have an older brother for protection. It was buttoned up. I had a plan.

Sade Curry:

So how many kids did?

Erica Bennett:

you end up having. Yeah, I ended up only having one. So we had our. So actually, before we had our son, we had one miscarriage very early, like it, just you know. So there were two pregnancies, one kid. I wanted to try for the next one. We actually were trying for the next kid when everything fell apart, and that was part of why it was such a shock. And in those first years, you know, because when we first separated my son was four. So from birth of my one son until four, there was another time where I was done, like I was like I am done, but what am I going to do? I have a toddler. And I was like, are you really done? Do you really want to call it quits right now? You know you got a kid. This is hard, work is hard, and I did the work to come back to the marriage. I did the work to fall back in love, to choose, to appreciate, to value what he was giving, until it finally did turn out that we just wanted different things.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, yeah, and I love that. I love that in between work of walking back to the marriage, falling in love again because the people who do that work just have it, I guess have a. The process when you finally do leave is just so much more I don't know what the word is for that, but like I don't know if it's calm or certain, you just have you're more grounded.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, exactly, and I think it was also a really good experience to be able to know what are the things that you can change, like we all fall out of love in our in any relationship, there's going to be rough patches, and so being able to understand what it looks like to do the work to come back to a relationship, or to do the work to understand that it's time to let it go- yeah, amazing.

Sade Curry:

So let's talk about the end. We need to get started before this episode is over.

Erica Bennett:

Before the three hour podcast that we create here. All right, so what was happening? Like I said, we were trying for another kid we had just connected. He was getting ready to go out that night, so he was out a lot. So it was another flag that had shown up, and I really don't like using the word red flag. I like yellow flag. Like hey, this is a cautionary flag, is this something I can deal with or not? He had been going out a lot and I wasn't going with. I didn't have a desire to. We had a child at home. Like I wanted him to stay home. He didn't want to. So he's all dressed up to go out.

Erica Bennett:

I'm crying on his shoulder. I'm like I really thought that I lost you, like I really thought that I had lost you. I feel like it's turning a corner and that we're coming back and like I love you and like I just I don't know. I just needed to say this. And he's like OK, and I'm like is something wrong? Because he just stood there. You know, no, nothing's wrong. And I'm like something is wrong and you're not telling me. And that hadn't been a constant theme for years. I've been like what is wrong and he wouldn't tell me and I'd bring home a new self-help book and I'd bring home a new conversation we need to have. I was trying to fix the problem and so he's like we'll talk about it when I get home. And he left and a new like something was wrong. And I called one of my girlfriends and we sat on the phone for I don't know four or five hours. She had two little kids herself, but she just stayed on the phone because I think she knew something was wrong.

Erica Bennett:

And when he came home that night he tried again to just be like I'm just going to bed, good night. And I'm like no, no, like I'm not. You need to tell me Something's wrong and I don't know what it is. And he looked at me and he said I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore. We just want different things. And that was it. I was like what? What do you mean? We can fall back in love. And he's like I'm just done. And he went to his side of the bed, fell asleep and it was the first like peaceful sleep he'd had in years. You know, over the years he had moved into having to wear a sleep apnea machine because he wasn't breathing at night. His sleep had been fitful. His snoring got worse, right Silent, the whole night after he finally spoke his truth that he had been avoiding for all those years, and so that was a rough night. I didn't sleep. I still tried to go and work.

Erica Bennett:

The next day, one of my coworkers beautiful coworker. I had her on the show, she escorted me right back out the door and she's like you're going home, you know like, and stood with me as long as I needed to, and it started the unraveling. At that point I didn't know that there was another woman. I didn't know that this was not the first other woman, that this was him trying to try to fill a hole in his own life. We actually had an appointment already set up for therapy, because I knew something was wrong and we went and he just kind of was like I don't want to work on it, I'm just going to close the door and move on.

Erica Bennett:

It started a two year process of our separation before I finally filed For the first year. I fought so hard for it to work. I really tried to convince him to negotiate, to prove that I could be the right fit for him, that we had been in love once and we could do it again and we had a small child and all these things. Like I didn't want to fail at it and I really felt like it was so good in the beginning that it could be good again if we just fixed the issues, even with learning about the other woman, even with her still showing up she used to call during dinner, it was all the things and I was still willing to acknowledge that and forgive that because we both made mistakes. Somebody doesn't set out to cheat. They just set out to finally feel better because they feel so unhappy and then go ahead.

Sade Curry:

I think it's important for you, for your marriage to fail Because you already did the work to work back to the marriage. When you fell out of love, you already knew something was wrong for a long time, but he wasn't telling you. And then he finally tells you and you still work for a year, even with everything. You find out two years. So I mean, obviously failing was like.

Erica Bennett:

It was a non-negotiable in my life.

Erica Bennett:

I don't want to do that. Yeah, because it took two years before. I was like I'm leaving now, like now I'm done. And the irony was is that it was Christmas. He showed up and was like I want this to work. I finally want this to work. I realized I want this to work and it took me two more months and I was like this is the thing I've waited for For two years for you to say you're willing to work on this with me. And it feels empty and I'm not getting the feelings that I thought I was going to feel and in fact, I feel really sad about it. And that's when I knew that it was time to let it go.

Erica Bennett:

But in those two years, for me, I had always wanted my grandparents were married and had 50 year wedding anniversaries and both lived into their 90s, and that was a dream I had. I didn't want to start over at 35. And that is where, when you read my intro, I'm obsessed with rewiring fear because my entire life had been taken over. I didn't know how I was going to get my life back on track if I didn't stay committed to this. I didn't know how I was ever going to have another kid if I didn't stay committed to this. I didn't know how I was ever going to be happy again, because what was the point in living life anymore if this is no longer it?

Erica Bennett:

And that started a huge process of like I needed to find me and I needed to figure out who I was and to love me. And that was a journey too, and it took a while, but at least I had a few years before filing to get a little sturdy in. What did I want? What did I deserve in a partner? I was like I deserve somebody who wants to hang out with me on the holidays. So you not wanting to hang out with me on 4th of July, that's a problem. Like don't need to wait for you anymore.

Sade Curry:

So yeah, I mean it sounds like many women because of our socialization. Sounds like your identity was wrapped up in the relationship, like you had to find your life, your destiny, your path, your calling by the relationship 100%.

Erica Bennett:

I mean, even as a kid, I used to dream about like, ok, I'm going to have these five careers, right, like I was going to be like a doctor and a veterinarian, and then I was going to own a ranch, but then I was also going to be a mom. But one of the things that was always the same is I always wanted to have kids and I always wanted to have pets, and so I was so wrapped up in. That is what makes a happy life. And then when I started to have them, I was that Pinterest mom. Like good Lord, I was crafting every single weekend.

Erica Bennett:

I remember making when the command centers were all the rage and you crafted yourself into like here's the weekly menu and here's the schedule for the week, and it hangs on the wall in the kitchen. And I was so excited to do all this stuff and to do all this development with my son, and I was moving so fast. I didn't realize that, while, yes, I loved it, there's another whole part of me that I had buried, that I wasn't letting out because I didn't think I was supposed to still want those things and I didn't have room for those things in my marriage and in my partnership.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, 100%. Oh, my goodness, that's so profound. That's just. I love just to acknowledge your ability to just articulate that experience is amazing. Thank you, You're welcome.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, it was very painful, you guys. I can't tell you how many times it was. I mean, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I lost 30 pounds in 30 days because I'd eat half an apple and I'd get nauseous. I had never been so incredibly stressed and depressed and for years I never slept through the night and all of my adrenals were shot. My physical health was shot, my hair was falling out and my hand folds. It was hard and every single source continued to send me back to. You cannot control his behaviors, but you can find yours. You can find your happiness. What do you need? What do you want? What do you need to define in your life?

Sade Curry:

Amazing, amazing. After the divorce, when you went through all that and it was all over, at that point where you're like, okay, we've signed on the dotted line, I have my own place, all of that what were your thoughts about that time, about a new partner?

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, so that's a funny story. So I filed right, we wrote our divorce together, we hired one lawyer, we split the cost. It was very clear that I didn't want either party to be hurt in this. We had a beautiful chapter. The chapter was over. I had high hopes to be amazing co-parents and best family friends, just a big extended family, and that's not the reality today. But that's a story for a different day. But after I filed, the reality hit and I wasn't expecting that and I got really depressed. I couldn't even get up off the couch to feed my kid, like I was telling my four-year-old to just grab a box of cereal and just eat on that. I remember calling one of my local friends and I was like I'm not okay, I'm gonna not be okay right now, and I asked her to come over and feed my son because I just needed to cry. So even though I wanted it, it still hurt and it still just sucked to be like this is the new reality and I knew very clearly again me setting my own path this was gonna be a one-year thing. So I ended up.

Erica Bennett:

I had been living in the house the marriage house. I'd been the one paying the mortgage since we bought it. So I stayed for about another six months until the deadline was when we had to sell it and I ended up buying a townhouse. And so I downsized because I couldn't do the yard work anymore in the snow removal here in the Midwest, and so I wanted a townhouse just the right size and moved in. Everything is great hunky dory on that and I told myself this is my house for one year. In one year I will find a new partner I will cause.

Erica Bennett:

I was deep into manifesting. The magic was showing up left and right and I was like I'm just gonna get myself back on my path, and that's the wrong belief system, but it's what we all do, right, I was never off my path. It was always part of the journey. But I had decided that I was gonna like manifest right back in the perfect partner, have my second baby, get back on the road that I thought was leading to the path of happiness, and so I probably started dating a few months later. But the intention was, when I turned on the app, was just to have fun. I was like I've never really explored the city. I wanna explore the cities. I wanna check out all the things that I've always said no to. I just wanna have fun, and that is the partner that I manifested in.

Erica Bennett:

He just wanted to have fun. He had zero desire to be in a relationship, but he did want a best friend to travel with right. So we traveled and we hiked mountains and we snowboarded and we did all these things that I had always wondered. But I didn't have the confidence to lead and I could follow him. He would lead me there and it was a lot of fun, but I tried to make it a relationship.

Erica Bennett:

That wasn't what he wanted, and I think something that's so common for women after divorce is we like fall head over heels for the first one that shows up after divorce, and I did. We were together for a year when literally we maybe had sex for the first two months out of that 12. And the rest of it was just like a besties, hanging out and traveling. But like I was always hoping oh, he's dealing with some PTSD, he's dealing with some whatever. Like he's got stuff's not working, all the excuses, like could I live without this for all the other things that I'm getting? I probably spent another year grieving the loss of that dream, not of that partner because I had created, I had launched all these beautiful dreams and rockets of how cool my life could be when it is not a white picket fence, with three kids and two dogs. And so it was again hard to let that go and to move on.

Erica Bennett:

You know, turn the dating app off, turn the dating app back on, like a year later want to just a fun buddy manifested in a fun buddy, and I was like how come I don't feel anything for this dude, like if something wrong with me. And I was like, no, you, literally your intention was just a fun buddy and that's what you got an exclusive fun buddy and then called the quits again, turned it off, went to turn it back on COVID hits. I was like well played universe. I guess I'm not ready to turn it back off solo again, but it really like finding my way. Covid was another beautiful year when everybody else said it sucked. I'm like this was like the best, one of the best years I had for finding me. And then finally turned it back on and met somebody in the fall of 21, which is where we're still at. We've been two years now learning how to be in partnership.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, that's amazing. Did you ever have that period where it's like, oh, I can't, because it sounds to me like you knew that you weren't too broken for a relationship? You didn't have that period where it's like I could never be in a relationship again.

Erica Bennett:

I didn't. I always wanted to be in relationship again, so that was very, very clear for me, like I wanted partnership. I think I realized that I wasn't very good at dating, you know. I wasn't very good at clarifying my needs. I wasn't very good at all the things that a good relationship actually takes. And that's what took me cause, you know, like divorce was final in 17. Again, until I met this partner in 21,. That was a lot of testing and learning and a lot of disappointment like high hopes, nothing, high hopes, nothing. But it really came back to. I wasn't in a place to truly stand in me or give up me again for a relationship.

Sade Curry:

I mean, I just love it because you knew you had growth, but you didn't see it as you're broken. Cause what I encounter with a lot of women and I have helped them walk through it is there's this shame blame thing going on. So if they are dating and it's not working, they're either shaming themselves or they are blaming the world. Yes, I did that, when it's like all the men out there and all the men on the ass and they're terrible and all of that, or I'm broken, there's something wrong with me, versus oh, I just don't know how to do this. I just need to grow. I just need to practice this skill. I just need to try again and do this part a little bit better.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, I think mine aired on the. I thought nobody would ever want me again. I failed, I screwed up a marriage. Because the other thing too is like. So the my ex was cheating with somebody 15 years younger than we were. This was like quite a bit younger somebody who didn't have kids, who didn't have a post-kid body, who had a high metabolism still, who had long blonde hair, like all the stereotypical things. So as a woman who was in her mid 30s, who was at her heaviest weight, who had a kid and didn't feel confident in her body anymore, it really hit my worthiness. And then when they moved instantly into a relationship after he told me he just wanted to be alone, that hit my like. I must have just been really bad at it. I must have just been really really bad to be in relationship with.

Erica Bennett:

And so then when you're dating and everybody else is the one who's calling it quits and I'm sitting there doing the like, ooh, can I settle for this? Can I write myself into a story of what their passions are and what their life is right? And then it would fall away and fall away. And that's where it became that, like you know, I just want to have fun for me and I'm loving how life is unfolding for me, and thank God we shut down for COVID, or I probably would have had a couple more mistakes in there too. But knowing that, like once, I figured out that it wasn't just me that failed in the marriage, that there were opportunities on both sides, did I do everything perfect? Hell, no, I was not happy to be around. Let me tell you my fear, my controlling my corporate mindset like I was driving the team right and I own that. And then I swung a little bit in the other direction of being too nice, being too understanding, right, until you swing back and you find the balance that's right for you.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, amazing. So what app did you meet your partner on?

Erica Bennett:

Her partner. This one was Hinge, yeah. So and I played around like the other thing. I'll say I was very, very intentional with how I use dating apps because I was tired of like the people in the office being like there's no good men yet and I really believe in the power of manifesting. You're just a magnet. You're just gonna draw in what you're focused on, and if that's what you're focused on, that's what you're gonna get.

Erica Bennett:

And so I made sure I set parameters around using an app that I only allowed myself so many swipes a day. And the moment that it wasn't fun, the moment it started to feel like I will never find anybody oh my God, there's nobody in this app I had to put it down and I had to walk away and I had to go back to finding happiness in myself. I also made sure that I always set a very clear intention of why I was turning the app back on. What was I looking to find in this round of being back in the app? So, because I you know Tinder was not real great in the Twin Cities, I did use it a bit when I traveled, but they'd never like manifested into anything.

Erica Bennett:

But it was funny to see the different types of profiles across different apps, used Bumble on and off, but I also have found that I don't like to go back to something. You know you're constantly evolving. I even think about like right now I'm switching up my gym regimen again because I went back to a program and it felt really good at first, but then I found the same reasons that I left in the first place. So the same thing is true with dating apps. You know I'd go back in a Bumble and I'd see a lot of the same faces and I was like you know what? There's this new one, let's try Hinge. So met the current partner on Hinge, had lots of voice conversations back and forth before finally meeting and it was funny because he was way outside of my parameters. So I don't know why the universe threw him in my little thing either.

Sade Curry:

I guess I was so picky, there was nobody left, or somewhere, what you say, parameters like distance, like how far he went.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, yeah, because I tried to stay within like 30 minutes of my house, because more than that, it's just like it's just not fun driving in the cities and so like I didn't want to mess with any of that. And he is 45 minutes, almost 60 minutes. He's actually across the border, so I drive all the way through the cities, over the bridge, right Through the woods to grandmother's house. No, so that's why we laugh, because I'm like literally the week before I had turned somebody down because I learned that they lived over that way, like I literally was like wait, where do you work? Oh, that's really far, let's skip it. And like I just was like goodbye and then started talking to him, had no idea he loves this story I had no idea where he lived.

Erica Bennett:

When I finally figured out where he lived, I tried to get out of that date too. I he's like you tried so hard and he's like I was not gonna let you get out of this date. He's like we were at least gonna meet. And we met for coffee, right, the typical like meet for mid-morning coffee. If it works, you roll into lunch, if it doesn't work, you excuse yourself when you go home. So we met for coffee in between. But yeah, I was like oh, it's really far. I totally understand if that's. You know you don't wanna drive that far. Oh, I totally understand. Like is this just too hard to find a place? Like I totally understand. He was like no, this is gonna happen.

Sade Curry:

So Love it, love it. This yours is the second story. I don't know if you know Alex and Layla Hormozzi, the. They're entrepreneurs, they own a billion dollar company or something like that. Anyway, this story is kind of the same. She tried to get out of the, she tried to get out of the date and he was like no, yeah, I tried.

Erica Bennett:

I tried so hard and he laughs and like we just hit. It was actually just last week was a two year anniversary of the first date and so it was just super funny cause it's all the little, all the little things, the conversations, the open communication how different it is. But it is so much. It's like so much more rewarding and so much harder doing it on round two because now there's kids involved on both sides, there's exes involved on both sides, there's multiple cities between where everybody lives. Like you can't just relocate right Now you're relocating four jobs, now you're relocating between us there are four kids. So it's just a slower path on bringing things together and what that takes is a lot more communication because obviously my my past of being misled, my past of being lied to, all of those things subconsciously drive me to need a sense of security faster. How am I gonna know you're never gonna leave?

Sade Curry:

But, you.

Erica Bennett:

that's not his job. That's a sense of security I need to give myself. If you leave, I will still be okay. Will I be sad? Yeah, I will be sad, but I will be okay, Like it will never be something that I am afraid of. I will never lose myself again for fear that somebody's gonna leave me.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, and you know, all relationships end, either it's a breakup or a death or something it's like it's guaranteed. No relationship lasts forever, except the relationship you have with yourself. Yeah, that's the one we neglect the most, which is why we have this hole that we're trying to fill. It's cause we're neglecting to nurture ourselves and to appreciate ourselves and to love on ourselves and to heal ourselves from whatever may have happened in the past, and then we're hoping that someone who's trying to do the same thing for themselves or neglecting themselves, is somehow going to do it for us.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, I think that's why so often in like almost any physical practice, like working out, meditating, yoga, whatever I'm doing, I actually really like to close my eyes, because we're so often seeking external approval. What do I look like in the mirror? That's external approval, right, closing your eyes and going inside and being like how do I feel right now? Wow, okay, so filling that hole. You first have to get in touch with it, and I so wasn't in touch with it. I was so very busy and looking outside and can somebody else help me feel better and feel like home? Yeah, and home is an inward job. It's an inside job that you've got to find on your own to then be able to share it with somebody else.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, yeah, so true. So when did you know he was the one? Were you more interested? I know, we just want to hear all the details. When you swiped on him and you guys started talking back and forth, was there an inkling to you that he was different?

Erica Bennett:

No, so here was the thing, and it really messed with me, and I will tell you, part of me is like it's probably still messes with me One of the things that I found so different. Now let me back up to right before we met, because we met in November. In July, I manifested the severance package that I had been working on for two years. I had been lining up to leave this company. In fact, as of August, I was going to give my notice. July 15th I got the call and it was like hallelujah. I did it because it was the money I needed to be able to leave and start my business and still take care of my son, and so it was a beautiful parting. It's my second divorce, right, me and my company, that it was 20 years of my life that I had to. It's who I learned who I was, all those things Great that happens in July.

Erica Bennett:

In September, august, september I had already signed up for a week-long retreat in Hawaii and my whole point was to just get super present and find me. So now I'm like, oh, manifesting just totally showed up for real. I'm lined up, I manifested, then I went on retreat and even more like people are stopping me down the street, like what can we do for you? Like I was lit up. Then I went on to shoot my first brand photo shoot in Colorado, which is my like magic state. That's where I go to go deep and to heal. And then I met him. And so when I met him, I was so fully lined up. I sat there and I was like IDGAF about whatever I love me, I'm happy with me. I actually had already turned the app off before we had met. Like I was literally closing out this last conversation because I didn't want to deal with it anymore. Like I just was so freaking happy I didn't have time to contemplate whether or not somebody was the right fit or to waste my time. And so we meet and I'm so lined up and so happy that I'm sitting across from him. I'm like he's a great guy. I really enjoy talking to him, but he can stay or he can go, I don't care, I'm good on my own.

Erica Bennett:

And it messed with me for so long because I was like shouldn't I know? Shouldn't I have the big zing? Shouldn't I see fireworks? Shouldn't I know, without a doubt, that this is a thing that I never, ever want to leave, and I didn't experience that. What I experienced was a super grounded, safe space. To say I want to talk to him again tomorrow and all of the you know I'm still. I still have issues with that. I don't ever really want to make an outright statement that something is forever again, because I fought so hard for the marriage that didn't and knowing now that I don't wish any of that changed. But it made me hesitant. The trauma of it made me hesitant to ever say I found the one that is forever going to be there because people change.

Erica Bennett:

And so it started with. You know, I really like talking to him today. I want to talk to him again tomorrow. Okay, erica, do you want to talk to him next week? And when we first started dating, that felt too far in the future and I was like I can't. I can't, okay, but tomorrow I do.

Erica Bennett:

And when you build a relationship, right, it's one day, one conversation at a time. It's not saying, yes, we are going to be here in five years, because we don't know who we're going to be in five years. And so, day by day, week by week, all of a sudden we're at six months, all of a sudden we're at one year and I'm like what is going on and that conversation is about the merging of the path right that it created something far deeper and more solid than any sort of magical zing, which is really just anxiety. I remember when my ex-husband proposed I thought I was going to throw up and I honestly felt like I was. I said yes, because you're supposed to say yes when the person you're with proposes. It was the thing I had wanted for for two years, and I remember saying yes and being scared to death that I just made the wrong choice. And so this new relationship shows up and it's so steady and grounded and fun and pushes me and delivers on things that I never thought I was going to be looking at. Right, and the basis of it is and we both talk about this that it can stay or it can go, and if it goes, I will be sad, but it will not be the end of my story, that it taught me something while it was here and that really, that really the UPS came and the dog was going to bark.

Erica Bennett:

Sorry, edit that little piece out. Yeah, so I think, without all the sparks and without all the whatever else. Why do I know? Not, why do I know, because I will not say that. Why do I hope that this is the one that lasts? Because the openness of the communication and how truly seen I feel is like nothing I've ever experienced before. And it's created because I'm choosing to fully show up as me and he's willing to stand in it with me. So when I'm having a rough day and I'm angry or irritable or feisty or sad, or I'm having anxiety or I'm ugly crying on the floor, he doesn't run, but he doesn't do the work to fix me. I do the work to fix me, but he creates that safe space, which is what I had always asked for. Like I'll pick myself up, but sometimes I just need somebody to hold the walls up to give me the space to get there.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, yeah, amazing. I mean, the spark wasn't necessarily there. I mean this is a question that I answer for my clients all the time and they're like well, I didn't feel any spark and I was like okay, so what? Right, because we established what a safe relationship looks like, we established what a healthy relationship looks like, we established something that's stimulating and interesting all of the things that we do at the beginning and so that you meet this person that meets everything and you feel nourished and you feel satisfied and you want to see them the next day. But then it's like but I didn't feel a spark. I'm like, okay, let's define spark for you.

Erica Bennett:

Right, because we're taught that being in love is the spark. And so I had to do the work too that I went through a phase and I was like, do I love him? I don't feel a spark, do I love him? And then I would watch him work with his kids, I'd watch him make dinner, I'd watch like something as silly, as like his shoulders or his forearms, and I would feel that feeling not the spark, not the fireworks, but this like deep warmth that I was like you really do love this man for who he is, you love watching him show up in his life to the best of his ability. And that was a rewiring process, because we're taught to believe a spark is the tingles and the butterflies in the stomach and like the big all over explosion. And now, having seen both right, the obsessed stalk in my then neighbor turned into husband to being able to consciously choose. I love this man for who he is, not what he does for me, and I want us both to bring that best aspect of ourselves into the relationship.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, yeah, amazing, and also just speaking to because I've had this conversation so often. People will then say well then I'm with this guy and I'm not attracted to him at all, and so I feel like I have to, something's wrong with me because I'm not attracted to him, but I don't want to chase the spark, so I'm staying with this person that I don't like. I'm like, but that's not the point either.

Erica Bennett:

That was like the guy number two, the one that lasted six months, where I was like I just want someone fun. You know, I just wanted sex. Let's be honest. I just was like sorry if I offend you, listeners, but I just I needed a physical aspect to a relationship and my heart wasn't ready to love and so I was like, wow, he's a great guy, he's coming over and making dinner with me, he's hanging out at my house, he's taking me out. Why don't I feel anything? And it has nothing to do with them not being a great guy. It just wasn't the right fit for me.

Erica Bennett:

And could I have stayed and played it safe? Yes, because I could have written it off as he is doing all the things. But when there isn't enough of the polarity, of the pull right and that comes from a respect of the other person being in their power and a little bit of a frustration of that person, like how we rub against each other, right, how you fight absolutely correlates to the bedroom aspects of your relationship, because it's the communication, it's the energy passing, it's the how you're repairing things. So, staying in something just because somebody does all the right things, there's a space in between. So we got the Disney fireworks and then we got the safe secure, almost like an arranged loveless marriage.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, find the space in the middle, find the space where you're like this feels safe, which, by the way, feels very boring for a lot of us, especially if we've been raised to love the intensity of a challenge. I love a challenge, I love fixing a problem. So it felt very boring a lot of days, but then when I could look at like, but how do you really feel about him? Take away all the other conditions, and when you just look at this person in the most simplest moments of everyday life, how do you feel?

Sade Curry:

Yeah, that's so good so, so good. So, as we wrap up, because unfortunately I could keep asking you questions like all day- I'll just come back.

Erica Bennett:

We'll do it again. I love this stuff. It's so fun. Come back.

Sade Curry:

Thank you so much for watching. Did you have a moment where you switched from? We'll see how it goes. We'll see how it goes to. I'm ready to go just a bit deeper and stay a little bit longer when you weren't checking, you weren't evaluating every day.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, right, yes, one of the things I realized is that when you project into the future, you create anxiety, you create worry. Being present in the moment is the one way to avoid that, because nobody can predict the future. But what started to happen is little things like. I really wish that we were in one home In the beginning. Even up to it was something that shifted only this summer we're talking a year and a half in Prior to that, sundays I'd roll back into my house and I'd have my space and my couch and my TV, which is very different than his house, which he built for him and me, mine, which, by the way, his house is now full of crystals and plants and he complains about it every single day. But he's like, little by little, erica, you just keep expanding in my house. But I always loved coming home to my own space and then I loved sharing his space with him, but I needed my own. In this summer, something shifted into. I just was a little sad.

Erica Bennett:

On the day that I came home, I knew something was moving and we had talked about future living together, what that would look like with four boys and our jobs, and where do we want to locate. This has been a long conversation for a year, but every time we brought it up it would feel stressful, then enjoyable. Again. You're walking through a conversation like, hey, are we in alignment that we hope that one day we both live in the same house? Yeah, okay, we can feel like that feels good. But looking at a house doesn't feel good yet. Okay, we know we're pointed in the same direction, but those two paths are not overlapping yet.

Erica Bennett:

In little by little those things would start to change. We'd look at different houses and talk about do we want to start dreaming up what we want in a house, because that seems like the natural next step. But then, when Push comes to shove pulling my son out of his school district, selling the house that I'm in that felt really tight, really anxious in my chest and I was like I'm not ready to do that. But every time the conversation would come up I would just look at it again and be like, okay, where am I at in being lined up to being ready to make that move? Yes, I want one place. Yes, I want to stop managing two houses, but ooh, I'm not ready to move the school district or I don't know what city we need to live in yet and now, as those pieces are coming close like in fact just the other week this like weird random opportunity has showed up and we're waiting to hear back on it, because we had let go of the need that it needed to happen now and knew that we could continue to maintain the two houses we have and be very happy, and if the opportunity were to present itself, we would be ready to make a move.

Erica Bennett:

So I think it's those steps, especially when your heart has been broken as big as a divorce is that you might never be in a place where you can say this is a thing I want forever. So then break it down and be like what would happen next. I feel like it'd be good to live in the same house. Okay, am I ready to move my child from the school district? If it was me, I'd already be there, right. But am I ready to move my child and ask him to make new friends?

Erica Bennett:

We talked about from the very beginning that we have zero desire to ever legally get married again. But we both want a long-term partnership. Like, the legal aspects of marriage just cost us both money, didn't give us anything, so, but we want a partnership. Okay. So what does that look like? Little by little, having those conversations and feeling like what feels good and what doesn't, with again the big general hazy future is like yeah, we want this to work and we're gonna take steps along the way to make sure we do it in a manner that we're both ready for and it's not too fast.

Sade Curry:

Oh, that's so good, so good. I mean, like I love that, just that pacing, like you don't have to have it all now, we can just enjoy what we have now and only think about just the very next step. So that's so good.

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, and it was hard, you guys like, because my subconscious wanted to be like oh, if you're not living together, maybe he's not serious. Oh, if you're not getting married, how do you know? He's not just gonna leave, right, it plays all those tricks to try and protect you. Your mind will create a ton of stories. Again. It had to come back to the communication, so I had to be like hey, I'm feeling like we didn't get our normal ways to connect this weekend. We weren't able to hang out. You were traveling with your brother, we weren't talking on the phone like we normally do. I'm feeling a disconnect and it's making me have some anxiety and I'm gonna take care of it. But I want you to know so that we can have some open communication.

Erica Bennett:

Right, and when those moments hit, I would do a lot of self-reflection. Well, why are you worried? Two days ago, you were over the moon in love, super happy with how things were going, and now, today, you're desperate for reassurance that he still loves you. It's been 48 hours. The man did not fall out of love with you in 48 hours. Right, doing the work for myself. Oh well, because normally the next step would be to propose. That would show that you're wanting commitment right. Or now we're getting married, or now we're having a kid, or now we're buying a house together. These are cultural steps we've created to say that's how you know somebody wants to be with you. But guarantee you guys all did those in your marriage and the marriage didn't stay committed.

Sade Curry:

So Somebody made those up. Somebody made those up.

Erica Bennett:

Somebody made them up, so figure out a new one that works for you. If I know we're never getting married, what do I need to know that he's committed? I wanna hear how we're planning for us, not how he's planning for his family and I'm planning for my family. I wanna hear about what he sees for the future, on how things work for us, not just what he's gonna do. Right, it's the dreaming up of the plans together, not necessarily the moving things forward, and it'll be very interesting to see how it rolls out, because so often we try to move a condition into a reality as a security blanket, but that condition comes with a lot more right. Buying a house together means now we gotta manage space together and we gotta manage bills together, and there's a whole new level of things that have to be communicated. And for kids, there's a lot of bedrooms For kids in a home office like what are we doing?

Sade Curry:

So yeah, just ask yourself what would make me feel secure, because it probably is not the checklist that you had for your first partnership or marriage Right, and if other people weren't quote unquote doing those things, is that what I would choose for myself as my next step as well?

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, it's very interesting that the tricks are mind plays, but it really just takes us asking ourselves like why do you want that thing? You know what? Do you wanna have another baby? Why do you wanna move in together? Oh well, then it means he won't leave.

Sade Curry:

Did it. Is that a great reason? Do you like that I?

Erica Bennett:

was like it's a big commitment, yeah, Doesn't guarantee he doesn't leave, Like kinda all those things, but one step at a time and then each time it feels a little bit better. You know, Now we're planning holidays together. That's a new first. We've always gone somewhere else, Somebody else hosts the holiday. Well, this year we're hosting. It's gonna be so stressful and so fun and I'm super excited because I haven't hosted since I was married and my family came in, and so it's like building those pieces back in without rushing. And it's hard to not rush, but every time I wanted to rush I had to ask myself what am I trying to get by rushing this?

Erica Bennett:

And how can I meet that need in a different way to give it some space?

Sade Curry:

Yeah, that's so good, Erica. Your story is amazing. Your wisdom, oh my God, so such great wisdom about walking through this process. Do you have any last words of advice for just? I mean, we have a whole spectrum of women dating after a divorce, just anything that you feel like. I just wanted to say this to the listeners today.

Erica Bennett:

Mm, such a good question. I think it's that you truly do create your reality. You always have a choice in things. So if you're out there dating and you're finding that you're just running out of options or every single date is disappointing, stop for a while and take yourself out. Figure out what your own needs are first, before you expect somebody else to meet them, because the reality is that they can't and they never will meet your needs as well as you can meet them yourself, because you're the one who knows it in the moment. And, to be honest, as a woman, my needs change all the time. I mean, on Monday there was something that I really, really wanted my partner to do, and on Tuesday it was something completely different. You know, like that's the nature of being a woman and it's a beautiful thing, but it means that your first job is to figure out how to make yourself happy.

Erica Bennett:

And when you figure out how to make yourself happy, take yourself out on dates and treat yourself well and buy yourself the Christmas present that you want. Then be ready to share it with somebody. But that's the piece we all like to skip. We like to think somebody else will show up and make me happy and it just. They can't and they shouldn't. Do you want to be responsible to make somebody else happy every single day? No, it's exhausting. So don't put it on your partner either.

Sade Curry:

Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you so much, Erica. All right, I know the listeners are gonna want to connect with you. They're gonna want to listen to your podcast and hang out on the internet, so could you please just remind everyone where they can find the podcast and where they can find you online?

Erica Bennett:

Yeah, so the website is thecrazyxwivesclubcom. On the website you will find links to the podcast. It's on all of the major podcast streaming. So if you're Apple, if you're Spotify and then all the other ones, you know the was it Amazon, google, iheart Radio there's a whole. I mean you guys, there are so many podcast platforms, but it's on all the major ones. For you, make sure that you subscribe so that you get sent all of the new episodes. We run 12 week seasons and then we take a break to let you catch up. So you're gonna want to make sure you're subscribed to know when the new season start. On the website you can also learn about the group coaching or the group support that's launching just around the corner. We run that ongoing throughout the year.

Erica Bennett:

And then there's merchandise, because what better thing than to broadcast your love for just how crazy you are through, you know, hoodies and tumblers? They're definitely. I swear. Every time I wear it to the airport, people will stop me and they'll be like that's funny, cause it's like my favorite. One says I'm not crazy, I'm in the club. And then it says the crazy X wives Club, oh, I'm gonna get me one of those. Yeah, it is so, it's so fun. People just look at it and laugh. So merchandise is on there, group programs are on there, the podcast again. It's thecrazyxyvesclubcom, same social handle as well. So TikTok Instagram, facebook, give it a listen. I'd love to have you follow along, and thank you so much for having me on today. This was a lot of fun.

Sade Curry:

You have so much fun. I've absolute pleasure to have you, hey listeners. So good to have you guys with us here today. We wanna appreciate your time and attention and we will see you on the next episode.