227. Client Success: How Ashley Went from a "Painful Divorce" to "Healed and In Love"

Client Success: How Ashley Went from a "Painful Divorce" to "Healed and In Love"

Work with Sade: http://sadecurry.com/schedule-appointment

Connect with Ashley: https://calendly.com/ashleykingcoaching/30min

Episode Summary

In this episode, Sade and Ashley King discuss Ashley's transformative journey after divorce, focusing on healing from trauma, recognizing readiness for dating, and navigating the challenges of finding love again. They explore the importance of core values, honesty in dating, and the significance of self-discovery in building healthy relationships. Ashley shares her experiences with various dating apps, her connection with Michael, and the ongoing growth in their relationship, emphasizing the importance of communication and negotiation in love.

Key Takeaways

• Ashley began her journey of healing before her divorce was finalized.
• The importance of self-care and addressing trauma during the healing process.
• Recognizing when one is ready to start dating again is crucial.
• Anticipating challenges in dating can help prepare for the journey ahead.
• Honesty in communication is vital for a successful dating experience.
• Core values play a significant role in shaping dating profiles and experiences.
• Dating can be an adventure filled with fun and learning.
• Building a connection with someone requires time and openness.
• Falling in love involves recognizing and embracing vulnerability.
• Ongoing growth and communication are essential in nurturing a relationship.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Ashley's Journey

02:49 Healing from Divorce and Trauma

05:41 Recognizing Readiness for Dating

08:44 Anticipating Challenges in Dating

11:40 Guidelines for a Healthy Dating Experience

14:00 Core Values and Personal Growth

17:17 The Dating Experience Begins

20:09 Navigating Early Dates

22:59 The Importance of Abundance Mindset

25:55 Finding the Right Match

29:16 The Love Story of Ashley and Michael

34:06 Navigating Modern Dating Dynamics

38:52 Choosing Between Connections

42:46 The Importance of Relationship Negotiation

47:00 Introducing Kids into Relationships

48:24 Falling in Love: The Journey

50:18 Conflict Resolution in Relationships

53:58 Healing Through Relationships

59:51 The Work Behind the Fairy Tale

01:04:10 Emotional Clutter and Personal Growth

Transcript

Sade (00:01)
Hello everyone. Welcome back to the dating after divorce podcast. I have here on zoom with me, my client, friend, fellow coach, Ashley King, Ashley. Welcome to the podcast. Hi. Hi. my gosh. I'm so excited for this episode. It's been a long time coming. you and I have worked together now for a little over a year, think. definitely. I, I went back and I countered it. I hired you.

I feel like was October 2023. think it was like... Divorced? Yes. You were just before the... You've been separated for a while. Yeah. And you were working on like the last paperwork, just getting it signed, getting the divorce paper signed, you know, towards the end. So you worked with for a while, but like, let's talk about like who you are, you know?

what you do, what you're about before we get into your story, because you have the best story and I can't wait to get into it. So I think I'm getting ahead of myself. So we'll just start with that. Tell the listeners who you are. I'm Ashley and we've covered that. I am a woman who was very keen on dating and not spending my time doing something that just was wasteful.

So I started working with Sade, I mean, it was months before my divorce was finalized. And I started working with her because when I first saw her on a webinar, she was asking questions about dating and I think she brought up like sex or something. And she was like, okay, what kind of breath control are you gonna use? And are you gonna have kids? And I was just like, my gosh, couldn't, my brain was not there.

My brain was so far from that, that it felt really, really, really impossible. And so I said to myself, I'm going to hire Shadea so that whenever I am ready, I will have been coached all the way up until that point, because I knew it was going to be a process. So, so I committed to doing that a hundred percent and I showed up for it. You did, you did. I'm glad, I'm glad you brought that up, the work that we did, because you didn't start dating at all for like the first

nine months of our work together. We worked on finalizing the divorce. I it was over a year, that's, it's close enough. Yeah. You worked on, you know, the co-parenting, you did a lot of work on co-parenting. You did a lot of work on trauma, on your purpose, on, letting go of the triggers. That's right. Cause there were some triggers that were still showing up because of situations that were still happening.

And I know one of the big things that we worked on was you taking care of yourself, like being the person who took care of you. Yes. And I've heard that before you put on your oxygen mask, but I am a person who is a woman and I have been socialized as a woman and I live in Alabama and I'm from here and I've lived around the world, but I came back home.

At some point and and I'm grew up very Christian and the cultures just all around me so it was just very.

It just went against the grain to take care of myself in the way that you were suggesting, which was to literally, I mean, there were some days where, I mean, I don't know, like, I guess I could have gotten out of bed, but I couldn't. And we would still coach and I would show up and I was just kind of numb and I needed that. And I thought it would last forever.

because my brain was telling me that I would never ever get out of the bed, but it didn't. And just knowing that Sade was there, knowing that you were there, it was a good deal. it was a lot of, actually it was quite a bit of that. That you did the work. And I think knowing your situation, which we won't go into all of the backstory of that because you have your kid involved in things, but just knowing the things that were happening and the trauma,

some of the generational trauma that had come down that you were working through. Cause there's something that divorce does. It triggers everything. At least it did for me. And it looks like it did for you too. So when we're from divorce, when I was healing from divorce, I was healing from my childhood trauma. was healing from the trauma of the marriage, the chronic toxicity of the marriage for over 17 years. And then I was dealing with

being blindsided by the divorce and having to make all those decisions and then all the things with my kids all at one time. And I think that's the thing that a lot of people who haven't gone through it don't understand. And I think I realized that that's all that was happening. Not all, like it was not a big deal, but like if that was normal. And I'm sure to you, didn't feel normal to feel that way, but that's totally what divorced women are having to process. I thought there would be somehow in my head, I thought there might be more support.

available. I guess I thought it would magically come to me like on a magic carpet. from a culture. I come from a Christian tradition as well. And you know, the whole time we get told that like, this is your family. They're here for you. Everybody's here for you. And then the divorce happens and everyone's like, um, you know, I'm just like you, you have, you know, the one or two people, the people who did stay. And I had my one or two people.

you who stayed, but like the vast majority of people are just like, Oh, divorce. Uh, we don't really want to touch that. So well done. Good job on like, walking through your healing. Yes, you did. But we're really here to talk about your love story. Okay. You're very exciting. I was going to use the word sexy. mean, it is sexy, but I don't want to make you blush. Love story. So let's start with, um,

you you were thinking about, knew you wanted a new relationship and I was somewhat that way too. Like once my divorce was like over and things, what made you, how did you know it was, you were ready to date? Like after we'd done that work. Cause really you just came on the call that day and you were like, yep, this is it. I'm ready. I'm ready for the dating part of this. Yes. So I have a son, he's eight years old and he's like this beautiful little soul that came through me and we're here doing life.

together and it's amazing. And I realized within about three days before we had our call, I had been leaning on him.

talking to him about nothing inappropriate, just adult things. And they were actually pretty general adult things like, oh, I've got to pay my taxes and things like that. I was just saying adult conversation stuff to him and I thought, you know what, now it's time. So I just felt, I intuitively felt it. Yeah, I need another adult here. So, So I can talk about taxes. My poor kid, he's like, what?

No, it's like, mom, can we get ice cream? Yeah, that's exactly it. He like, oh, Pokemon. So yeah. Yeah. Before we go into like your new experience, your new experience was so different from your prior experience with dating and how you dated and met your ex-husband. Can you talk about what problems you anticipated? Like you were like, okay, I want to date, but here are the challenges that I'm afraid I'm going to encounter considering where I've been and my whole story. Do you remember some of the challenges that you anticipated?

Well, I'll back up just a little bit. when I was 11, I had this really deep insight and 11 is young, but I've truly traced it back where I looked at my family unit and I was growing up in an alcoholic home and my mother wasn't there. And I was like, I've got to change whatever this is and I've got to figure out how to do it right, healthy.

I knew that the challenge would be, I didn't want to keep doing the same patterns over and over and over. And I also had this idea that even if it took until I was like 85 or 90 years old, I don't care. Like I'll stick with it until I have a relationship that's healthy, loving, wonderful and fulfilling. And it's not, it's not the same old stuff over and over. So I just.

I wasn't afraid of it, but something that happens if you don't have some kind of brilliant healthy model of a healthy relationship is that you don't really know what healthy is. Like you think you know what it is, but I mean, I thought that with every relationship I was in, right? So I think that was a big challenge. I also was a little bit, I wanted your oversight.

like you're covering in a way, but I also didn't because you were like, are you, what did you say? you- So yeah, I remember that conversation and that conversation has come from like just really coaching hundreds of women at this point and seeing where sometimes things can go a little bit wrong in the dating process. And so one of the things I said was, cause people, think a lot of times the dating journey is so

it can be triggering. A lot of what we're dealing with along the way is the triggers, right? That come up, that won't come up until you do it. And so I was like, hey, the only two things I'm really gonna ask you, I'm never gonna tell you you have to marry this person or you can't marry this person, but I want you to follow the process. So at least you give yourself options, right? Like, because I have certain guidelines in my program, like no long distance dating, like let's put the energy of long distance dating into

finding someone close, but it doesn't mean you can't date long distance, right? It doesn't mean like now I'm the boss, you can't, but it's like, I don't have guidelines for that in my program. So if you are dating someone long distance, hey, have a ball, just know that like, I won't be able to like have my eyes on it just because I won't have enough information. So I was like, hey, let's just follow the process. And then secondly, just be honest. Like if you're like, yes, I know this guy is an ax murderer and I want to date him, just tell me.

my Lord. Because I will always let you do whatever you want to do. But I think some of the challenges that I had come up is when a client is sort of doing something, but they're not telling me the whole truth. And so then I am like agreeing and I'm like, this sounds, your relationship sounds amazing because they're only telling me the wonderful parts of the relationship and they're not telling me things that are giving them concern. Sometimes what's giving them concern is something that's not even a big deal. And I'm like, no, no, no, don't worry about that. That's like,

or no, that's definitely a red flag. So really those were my guidelines was like just, and I know it's gonna come up. I don't even know if that came up for you really, because you were like totally, you were totally honest about everything the whole way. I was really afraid. think I didn't need to be coached on it because I just allowed myself to feel it. But I was afraid that

Initially, I was really afraid that nobody would want me and that I was not lovable or wantable. And I actually couldn't really imagine wanting to be with somebody 100%. So I was really afraid that if I found one or two guys who were into me that you would say no and now you're like, and that would be it. So yeah, there was fear. But

That comes up a lot. know a lot of women are always like, Shade, she's going to tell me not to date the guy that I really like. And I'm like, you can date whoever you like. Anytime. You can date whoever you like. I'm just here to say, OK, this is what I think I see. Here are some questions to ask. Here is how you can verify what you believe. But the scarcity mindset can really be a thing. And I get that.

It's hard for any of us to imagine that there's like 50 guys out there in our city that would totally be a match for us, which actually there is, but our brain, because it doesn't see, doesn't believe in it. And then of course our own insecurities about how we look, about how we are, about whether or not we're a domestic goddess or not a domestic goddess, all those things. So yeah, I totally, totally get that. So let's talk about what it was like, like when you started.

when you, cause we did your core values and then we, we worked on your dating profile. Yeah. So basically, so what happened was we, we did my core values. I mean, let's say it's a year in advance. So I essentially spent an entire year living into my values. And, if you can hire today before you're ready to date, I see, I really recommend it because.

because I'd already been practicing them and kind of trying out different ones and seeing what I was really into now, because your values can change over time. 
Yeah. Um, like the core values change partly because you're leaning into your real identity because we were socialized as women and we're socialized, especially in relationship, especially in romantic relationships to put on

this identity that may or may not be real to the individual to show up a certain way. So if you're a Christian woman, Christian women are this way. So there are so many of us who came from like backgrounds where there's a lot of like rules and identities that are put on you. You may not know who you really are. And so your core values, you might come into come out of the divorce with like thinking these are your values. And then as you start to like live your real life,

You're like, I actually do like this thing. And I don't really like that. That was my ex that liked that. Or that was my parents that liked that. So there's the core values, but it's also you reclaiming your true identity, who you really are in the world and finding the voice to express all of that. Yeah. And when I started, I knew intuitively and I follow my intuition, for a lot of things. And I practice, I have practiced that over the years and I continue to, so.

it gets stronger and I knew that it was the right time. And so when I started, I had really and truly no sense of lack in who I was. Because if you can survive like the hell of a divorce and all the other things that may or may not come along with it, if you can really go through that and really consciously and with awareness,

know that you're not showing up as the best person you can be. And then you look at your kid and you have all the feelings and you're like, and you you want to go back and change the past. And it's just, if you can make it through that, which you can, then you show up as a different person. I really ultimately became the thing that I needed the most, which was my first core value is security.

But I don't think of that strictly in terms of money because money can come and money can go. But security more in terms of are you able to show up for yourself? Can you show up for me? And so I was able to do that for myself for a few months. And so by the time I got there, I was like, okay, it's time. It's time to go. So I didn't have lack. thought my thought, my prevailing thought was

Dating is, my dating experience is excellent. And it was. And it was. Like you had a fun, you had listen, I had the weirdos. I had the weirdos. I had, but I just didn't talk about it. I feel, I feel, I feel like so many people just focus on those. Yes, And I would just do like random whatever and I would just, you're Yeah, they're there because what you focus on grows. Energy flows where attention goes.

And this is one of the reasons like in my, um, in the dating after divorce collective, my group program, they're not allowed to post weird, like people will screenshot the worst profiles I see in groups all the time. they're like, Oh my God, look at what I saw. I'm like, that is not allowed in my program. We don't want to see the worst of what's out there. If you see something that's not great, move on. Like in a quarter of a second, don't even give it a second look.

But I see women so often like sitting around and talking about like they will spend so much energy on the thing that they don't want. And psychologically and spiritually that creates more of what you don't want because you're literally training your brain to find more of that. Yeah. It's what confirmation bias, whatever. Yeah. Were you looking for it? Yeah. So I, I was just like, I'm going to find something that matches me and I'm delightful.

So why not? And I've had that attitude and not from a place of, not from an ego place, not really from arrogance, just from like really being really proud of myself. Yeah. And I know the, so I know the listeners are going to be curious about where you dated, like how many apps were you on? And this is always different for everyone, but people are always curious. So I always want to ask the question like,

Which did you use apps? What apps did you use? I mean, I know the answers, but they don't. So what apps did you use? And then did you date in person? Did I date in person? Yes. Did you meet anyone like in person, like as an introduction? Did you date online? okay. Which apps did you use? Okay. Not the apps, but I want to answer people's curiosity. So I think we coached on a Thursday and I said, I'm ready. I'm just, I'm ready. And so I think like either Thursday night or Friday,

I was like, I think I'm just gonna get on Facebook dating. And that wasn't one of the possibly pre-approved dating I don't like Facebook dating, but again, like I say, it's not the apps necessarily. I try not to let my clients get on Facebook dating. Right, but it felt so natural. was just feeling into it for the very first time, kind of stepping out again. And I was kind of like, this is interesting. I met a couple of really nice, really nice guys.

Yeah, no, tell us about it. What happened on Facebook? Like, tell us about those two guys. So the one guy played drums at a church that I go to or whatever, and sometimes, and he knew somebody that I knew. And so it was a mutual connection, which was good, because I immediately asked them, hey, is he, I think I said, he a serial killer?

But I just, that was the first person I'd gone out with and he took me out. We went out for like a lunch. And let me tell you, it was the most healing thing because this man was so kind. Now, this is basic. This is standard. A person should be kind to another person, especially if they're dating. But it had been so long since I'd been with a man who was kind in that way that just doing that was just absolutely very healing for me.

And just having someone, you know, a man just be respectful. Yeah. And just be like, I just want to buy you dinner. And like, you know, like I'm not trying to exploit you or put you down. That's just, yeah. Like you said, it is basic, but not everyone, not all men know that. Well, and so I met him and he was, he was great. And then I met another guy who was friends with some of my family members. He was,

fancy. He's a fancy guy. And that's what we're gonna call him. You had some interesting guys. have nicknames for all of them. We do have specific nicknames. Yeah, I want to talk about like the concepts. I think this is one of the things that people when I'm, you know, encouraging women to work with me. They don't always believe that they that they can have this kind of a good experience. They're like,

And so sometimes, and I see this with, not with my clients, but with women that I'm in touch with who are dating, they think there's only one kind guy, like the first guy you met in the world. So when they find that one, the first time they like hold on for dear life, right? It's that scarcity thinking versus an abundance mindset about what's available. What were you thinking like when you did eventually let these guys go?

not because anything bad happened, but because you realized they weren't for you. What were you thinking in those moments? Like where was your mind in terms of like, this person isn't right, even though they're a good person. How did you process the scarcity and the possibility that, this is the last man on earth? Well, okay. Let's be honest. You were like, you have to date more people. Because technically, I...

I was having fun. I was having fun. it was, there's a little bit of work involved where you gotta make sure you got your dress and your hair's done and this, that and the other. it was fun. And so I didn't really have a problem meeting men because authenticity is really one of my integrity and authenticity is my second value. So I was like, I'm just going to be who I am.

and as much as I can and kind of see what happens. there were guys who were interested and I was interesting, you know, because I wasn't trying to put on anything and I didn't mind if they kind of went away because there were like five or 10 others who were saying hi. And I love that. I forgot that I forgot that I made you keep dating. my gosh.

But that was, if it hadn't been for you, I would not, my gosh, if it wasn't for you, wouldn't have met and stayed with the guy that I am currently dating and I wouldn't have been open. And that's hard to change because in your brain, just, I mean, we're smart women. We know what's up. We know how to make things happen. So. Yes, we do.

And we know we're super capable. that's why, I mean, I chose to trust you because, and I'm glad I did. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Well, thank you for that honor. Yeah. But I know what you mean by like we're smart and capable. Like when we feel like, okay, this is the guy. We know how to like be like, okay, let's seal the deal. But I think one of the reasons I wanted you to keep dating was, first of all, you were having a great experience and it was an adventure. And there was no reason to

shut it off at that moment. It was still pretty early with some of the guys and I was like, you just keep dating, know, keep going to lunch, going to dinner, going on activities. If one of them says, Hey, I want to go exclusive now. mean, we can consider it, but why

you know, make a decision out of scarcity. There's no reason to make a decision out of scarcity. So yeah, and we wanted, I was hoping for that like match where it's like everything and you didn't have like almost like any doubt when you eventually picked a person.

I didn't have any doubt, but you know what was interesting? I used to have this energy, like a chihuahua, very people pleasing, like, like me, like me, like me, be friends with me, be friends with me. And there was no excitement around it. was much more grounded in my body. was like, yeah, I like this guy. He's the most interesting and he likes me too. So there we go.

Yeah. Do you remember what number he was of the people that you actually went on like more than one date with? No. I don't remember either. You thought I should count. I done that. No, it's fine. Here is a magic number that I would share. For me, I had to meet with a person three times. And by on the third meeting of... Listen, when you said go date some more, I had already met this guy that I really liked.

So I met this one guy in the parking lot and said, Hey, and then the next day I met him and we went to a Mexican restaurant. And the next day we went somewhere else. And by that time I knew, mean, I just fast tracked it because I was like, I can't him. it has, okay, don't do that every time. But it's okay. I love it. I love that you were doing your own thing while working with my principles. That's, that's, that's, that's it. That's all we need.

Yeah, it's very telling. Like everybody's, everybody's very nice the first time. And then the second time, you know, you could have had a bad day or they could have, but the third time that's where everybody, people will slip up. if they aren't showing up as their true selves, that's where I found that a person would, would really kind of show who they were. So that's an interesting number. didn't know that number. Okay. I'm going to keep that in mind. So asking people, Hey, what's the difference between the first date and the third date?

Okay, so let's get into the love story. We're not gonna talk about all the other guys now. We're just gonna talk about asked me what number he was. Oh my God, I don't know. Some clients know. I don't know number Kent was. I've never done the numbers. some of my clients, some clients who do spreadsheets, which I love, they do spreadsheets with the guys so they know exactly what number when they met him. Or some clients will set a goal of meeting a certain number of guys in a certain timeframe.

as a challenge themselves, just to keep themselves moving. Everyone does it differently. We just apply the same dating principles. We apply the same core values, the relationship gates, like the milestones, the evaluation process. But every woman that I coach, like does it differently. Well, you asked me, think I didn't answer that. I did Facebook dating for like a week and then you said, off of it. But then I did Hinge, that's all I did. But listen, apparently this whole matching thing,

is like important because I just was like, there were so many men. I'm in Birmingham, Alabama, and I didn't expect there to be, there's like a plethora of people. Now, I don't know their stories. I don't know what else. I just was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, match, match, match, match. And then I realized like two weeks later that it's okay to be more discerning. So I went out with a lot of people.

Yeah, it's okay to like match with 10 at a time and process those 10. But really here's the thing, in my mind, so here I'll teach for a little minute here. What you demonstrated by like swiping right on all the guys was your safety. You had that sense of safety and security in yourself. You knew that like, okay, if any of these guys turns out to be horrible, I'm not going to fall for it. I know how to take care of myself, which I think a lot of women don't have.

when they start dating. And so they have a lot of really bad experiences because they don't know how to take care of themselves. Their sense of awareness and ability to set boundaries when they don't like something is still very weak. So they're either setting up this wall where they're swiping left on, you know, 999 out of a thousand men. And then it's like, there are no men or they're letting all the guys in out of scarcity that I have to let this guy like me. then they're,

they're getting hurt. And the balance is really building that internal, sort of like emotional and physical boundary. But boundaries are not, a boundary is not a wall. A boundary is like, it's like a fence. It's like a house that keeps you safe, but it's got windows and doors. You can open the window and let some fresh air in. You can go to the door and see who's there and let them in if you like them.

or say, no, and close the door if you don't. And a lot of women, especially if you have a history of codependency or people pleasing or anxiety or, know, so many childhood situations. things. No really, all of them. Yeah. And if you haven't worked through that, most people either swing to having all these walls. So then they can't ever find a guy because they're, they're like, his nose looks funny. So he's going to be terrible. Or they're just letting them in and then they're getting their

adding more damage to themselves. But you were like, yeah, I'm gonna swipe right on everyone. But yeah, you didn't allow, you didn't let anyone in who wasn't good for you. I did not let anyone in who was not good for me. Cause listen, I stayed in my marriage almost 10 years. I'm not going through that crap again. Let me just say, I'm not, I'm like, I'm literally not. That's just, and so, I've, I've changed so much with that and that I just, I am, I am so called.

and so passionate about breaking the, I call them generational patterns in my family line and in all the sides. And I am just going to set my son up for something different. I'm going to experience something different and I will set him up. And he gets to live his life and make his own choices, but he will see and know what a healthy relationship is. Like I said, maybe I'm 85 years old, but he'll see it and he'll know it and he'll be loved within that.

from a parental perspective, that is just so important to me. I was, yeah, yeah, I had learned, you definitely had helped me come to the point where I was able to be secure in myself and say no. mean, I talked on the phone with one guy and then the next, I hung up and I wrote him and I said, hey, you and I are not a great match and I wish you the best. And I think he wrote me back and said, would you mind telling me? And I was like, no.

But in the past, I probably would have. Oh my gosh, I am not here to heal other people in that way. They have got to figure out their own path. Yeah, and if you don't know how to do this, you should not be on the apps, sir, is what I always say. Sometimes a woman would be like, yeah, he needs to know not to be doing that. I'm like, sis, this is not our job. We're not here to school these men. No, no, no, no. Yeah, absolutely. OK, so we haven't gotten to the good part. I want to get to the good

Okay, good part. good part. That's good part. This is all good to me, but yes. I know. I know. I want to talk. want to talk. Am I allowed to say his name? Are we saying his name on this or not? He said it was okay. Oh, okay. So let's talk about, I want to talk about, you know, Michael. Yes. Yes. So tell me about, and I don't remember the details. I know we talked, we talked through all of your dates, but I don't remember anything anymore. tell me what drew you to his profile and

What was your first date? We had a really nice little meeting where we actually wrote back and forth. think he had been to, he'd been to Europe and I have lived and worked in Europe. and so that was something that we matched on. And then we started messaging one night and then we started sending each other just voice notes, which was really cute because we got to hear each other's voice. and then our

I don't know, we just got along. We got along in terms of, I was sharing things about how maybe I'll say like the generational pattern thing. I was able to share that kind of stuff and he was like, yeah, I'm totally with you. I want to set certain things up with my family too. And he understood what I was talking about. So we related on that level. And he also is and was a musician and

I like music. So I'm into the creatives. Yeah. Yeah. And that's right. There were a couple of couple of creatives in there. Yeah. There were a bunch of creatives in there. Then there were a couple of bankers and that's that's my the bankers are kind of my norm, which there's nothing wrong with any of it at all. Ever. I just I just yeah, I like to write and I'm quite creative. So anyway, he and I matched really well. And we went to

Mexican restaurant or something, my favorite one. And I don't know, actually, let, see, I had a rule. My physical rule was I'm not going to hold your hand on the first date and I don't kiss on the first date. man, guys don't like that. Just in, I mean, in my one little experience, they, I got some pushback about that.

It's like, well, you you can survive. It's okay. If we date one, like if we could see each other again, it's not. I love that you put it that way because really it does feel to a lot of people that like, oh my God, well, am I supposed to kiss on the front? And if he wants to kiss me and I don't let him kiss me, then like the world actually not even necessarily for you as the woman, but like think about it.

Why does this guy, why is this guy acting like the world is going to end because he doesn't have access to your body after meeting you for an hour and a half? It is unreasonable. I, I, I don't know. And I will tell you that this is, kind of goes back to the process that I would like to say it. It is so weird dating now because in the past we would know people.

And then we would know friends of friends of friends, and we would have some kind of connection maybe within our community or our village a long time ago. And now when you meet somebody on these apps, you talk, but then the first time you meet in person, you have to establish your friendship. I mean, you have to establish that. So it's almost backwards. It's like, and the things that you have in common. it, I was okay with it taking a little bit longer. And also it was kind of, it was kind of fun to see.

like who would be up for that. However, so this is like a couple of months into it. will say that at the end of our first date, Michael walked me to the car and I leaned over, it was so natural. didn't honestly, I didn't even realize I had done it. And I was just, I gave him a peck and yeah, so I went against my own rule. This is the beauty of like balancing having

process and guidelines and then enjoying yourself and going with who you are in the moment. And without like having structure around it, which I really pride myself on trying to provide that structure for my clients without having that structure as loose as we try to make it. You swing way one way or the other, unless you've actually sat down and created that structure for yourself. Most people will swing one way. I started out swinging, you know, back and forth in many, are we swinging?

What's swinging from too much structure and being like the drill sergeant on a date or too little structure and then letting guys who have not earned the trust do whatever they want. And so with you, you were practicing having guidelines that you had defined for yourself, right? Like these are my boundaries. I have clients who will kiss on the first date. have clients who won't, but you had the things that matched your core values. But then when something different came along,

You gave yourself permission to go with what was authentically you in that moment. That's right. And, and listen, if you want to go home with somebody on the first date, I don't care. It's, it's not about that for me at all. And, it's not about judging anybody and their choices. It's, it's truly just what I wanted to do. it had been a long time since I'd been physically with somebody.

And yeah, I'm going to say this. It had been a long time and I realized that you can be in a relationship and still be alone without that. And so I thought, well, I've done it. I've done it for a long, long, long time. So I'll just wait one more date. Yes. Yes. I love that. I know. I love that. I love that principle. heard that.

I had a similar principle from someone many, many years ago, but like when people come to you and like, this is an emergency. And then he would ask them, okay, so this, you're calling me at 2 a.m. with this emergency, how long has this been going on? And they'll be like, well, the last two years. Okay, he's like, okay, then he can wait till tomorrow at two o'clock when I get to my office. Or if they said, well, it just happened for the first time today, it's like, okay, it can also wait.

Since it hasn't even been 24 hours, you can also wait until two o'clock. You can make an appointment at my office. Yeah, so I love that. Right. did you, you were, I mean, you had this point where we, you you had all these guys and we went through that process of the funnel and like narrowing, you narrowed them down to these two. So there was Michael and then there was one other gentleman. It was. Okay. You want to talk about like your process of like,

trying to decide, and yet gone on several dates with both of them, right? Like- I consistently dating the other guy, fancy guy. And, but listen, Michael has played, he plays viola professionally. And like, he's been doing that for 50 years or something. And-

The other guy was great, but he was just a lot more structured. And I just found that I had a little more, I guess, fun. Like it was a little more fun to me. Yes. Yeah. You called him, so you kind of like, he was like a Santa. my gosh. He's so jolly. I think he's, he's like, he's very, very positive. He will, he will write me text messages like, yeah, I went to the gym and the cardio was kind of hard, but I'm just.

So grateful that I got in there and did it. And I'm like, oh my God, like who writes like that? Who writes like that? I'm usually the positive one. Yeah, it's a little bit of a shock. It's like, I'm usually the cheerleader, like, you know, going, oh, it's going to be okay. But he's very, he is jolly. He's very, he's very happy and he has all the emotions, but. Yeah. So that was a lot more. It sounds like there was a lot more just like on an emotional.

connection on an interest and like intellectual, mental, maybe not, although both of you are very intellectual. So I know that, but it was just like a combination. and you were just more, you were happier. You enjoy yourself more. I remember when you were with I could open up. I felt, I probably could have opened up more to the other guy, but I didn't feel as comfortable and felt a little more prescribed. So yeah, I was, I felt with Michael, could just.

I could say things like, I don't know, the planets are in alignment right now, or I just read a tarot card and also, you know, Jesus is doing great. I mean, could just say the things that I wanted to say, because I live all of those. So, yeah. And he was almost like the atmosphere with Fancy Guy didn't allow for you to just like throw things out. Like I pulled a tarot card today.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing wrong with him. He's a great guy, but, um, yeah, he's just a little more traditional in certain ways. I'm, I'm traditional, but I'm, I'm maybe not that traditional. So yeah, you're a mix. You're a lot of fun. always enjoy, I always enjoy hanging out with you. talk about all sorts of things. So that process of like choosing between them and working through that, did you feel any sense of like, did it feel hard or were you pretty set?

At that point, I know we talked about it. don't know a couple of sessions. think, I think the, what, happens is as you start to date and you.

you get to experience yourself in a new way with new people. and you're safe within that process. That's that it was, that was lovely. But as I started to experience that, I started to think about what I wanted, what I ultimately wanted, because the question is, you know, am I diehard set on marriage? I don't know. I thought I was maybe not. I don't, you know, I went back and forth. So when I'm looking at, when I was looking at the two of

them. I was thinking what would longer term look like possibly. And the truth is I don't know, but I just felt like there was maybe more potential with Michael. yeah. I love that. Do you want to talk about some things you were concerned about? Because we come into dating, we're like the fairy tale, we're going to meet the perfect guy and there is no perfect guy.

So one of the things I always start to check in with not early on, but as you get to the point where you're making a decision, I'm like, okay, so what are the things that you are going to have to negotiate? Because there's always negotiation in relationships, but people are trying to do the negotiation, like upfront on the first date. Oh, he lives a hundred miles away. How do I negotiate? I'm like, we're not there yet, right? But when you are getting to the place where you're getting ready to go exclusive with someone, I like for my clients to be aware of the work.

that might be ahead. let's talk about it a little bit. So we introduced our children to each other kind of quickly and I didn't mean to and I also didn't stop it. It just kind of like, whoa, there was a whirlwind and it was Thanksgiving and everyone was off of school and we just went and had fun at like an arcade. But and it went really well and I didn't really think that process through. However,

then I talked to you and you were like, okay, it's all right, don't panic. And the question then became, do you keep going further with that? And the answer is no. So we decided to pull back with the kids being together because that's when you have to start making decisions and making space. Let me say one thing real quick about like the pace and certain things happening at certain times. With kids,

kids can quickly become the focus. And because kids just have a lot going on. you like, you put two or three kids in the mix and you're trying to like have them get along while you're taking care of them, while you're, you know, in a dinner or whatever, you forget to observe each other. You forget to observe yourself with that partner. You forget to observe the partner and how he's acting. And if that just continues,

And this happens in marriages. Everyone knows who's had kids in relationships. Kids change a lot of things. And sometimes marriages will go on for 18 years. And you forget in those 18 years, you don't even remember. You don't even know anything about your partner. You wake up the kids gone and you're like, who is this person? And so I always like for my clients to focus on the relationship first and realize is this relationship good? Is this solid? Then is it solid? And our kids can be a part of this or not.

So that's why we kind of pulled back there. That was one, which was fine. And he was totally on board with it. He completely supports me being coached and he's met today. He's met you. I do, I like him I was on the way to meet his mom and we just happened to be coaching and you said hello. So he's like, he's very supportive in all those things.

The other thing that was a little bit of an issue was he has some animals in his house and I don't have any animals in my house and animals are a joy and also. They are. I'm here for the earth and the animals. Listen, I am, man, but however, comma, I was like, yeah, those, we're gonna have to figure something out. just not, I'm not used to that.

So the man like went out and bought a catio. Do you know what a catio is? Yeah, you told me. The little animals can go outside and he was, yeah, he's, he thought about a hundred different ways that he could help make you see. had to negotiate like something that was a big part of his life and that was not a part of your life. And you know, you had some effects from having cats and the hair and you know, all of the things. And I'm allergic to them and things, but I'm not like catastrophic.

I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I love that. And that's, and that really shows that like, you need someone who's willing to do that work. And in, my program, we call it the relationship milestones. We're like, okay, now you're exclusive now. Everything's wonderful and lovey dovey. But the work doesn't end there because the first, however, many, you know, weeks or months leading up to exclusivity, you're evaluating.

Is there enough potential in this relationship for me to close off my options, right? And once you close off the options, now you're evaluating and you're doing the work of hopefully creating a relationship that can go the distance. And then that's when all of the other things start to come up. That's when you start thinking about kids and like, okay, how do we parent? Do we parent the same way? Do we parent a different way? And if we parent differently, how do we want to work that out? Do we want to...

separate homes until the kids are like whatever how do we need a house with 25 bedrooms so the kids never see each other yeah i like the idea of having my own place and keeping my own place i am but i i have i'm quite independent in that way i'm an only child and only grandchild so and an only niece so i have these beautiful roots and of a family tree and then there's kind of me as the branch so i'm used to having a lot of my own space so

Yeah, I'm going to keep mine in place. Yeah. So tell me about like falling in love. Like, what was that like for you? Like, when did you know, I'm in love with this guy. Or like, did you guys share the L word or like what happened? my gosh. Well, he would, it was around Christmas time. So we were, he was playing in all of these Christmas, events and

I just thought that was like sexy as hell. Cause he was playing like Hayden's Messiah or Handel's Oh my God, I love that music. know, that kind of thing. And he was up there playing and he would just do this stuff that he would do for hours. And you told me, don't fall in love with the performer. And it wasn't the performer aspect of him. It was that that's who he is. That's his, like I write and I also speak, but that's his voice.

It's who he is at a high level. And it just, when he plays, it's the most beautiful thing ever. And I just loved hearing him do his craft. And I don't know, we just had a lot of fun going to lots of those events. And by then I was just into him. You were smitten. I was smitten, yeah. And he kept off, the way he describes it is that he kept holding his hand out.

because I am not a person who jumps into something quickly because once I'm in, I'm in usually. Now I have Sade to say, hey, that's not healthy. But I really am. If the thing is healthy, stay all the way in. Absolutely. And I'm pretty loyal. he just kept having to hold his hand out. he made dinner one night with, he and his kids made dinner for me.

And it was just them and it was me and Michael and I couldn't get there until like 730 or eight o'clock and it didn't matter. He was just glad I was there. And I was just welcomed with open arms. so I would pull back a little bit and then I would come towards him a little bit and then took about three months, but then I felt like I him. Yeah, I know. And so how are things going now? Cause it's been several months.

Like where are you guys at now? We are, we're doing well, I think we're doing good. Yeah. And when we don't have to go into it, you did have a, you did have a fight as will happen once you guys are settled in. And I loved the way everybody just worked it out. Yeah. Yeah. We, we will have disagreements sometimes.

That is something that's ongoing because I have a way of fighting and responding to people and he also has that. It's just something to work through and to see. A lot of my stuff I think comes from maybe not being heard. And so I will, and this is from...

a long time ago, childhood, all the way through. So I just had this revelation, I don't know what was it today, about three weeks ago, where I just uncovered this thought that I don't explain things clearly. And so if I'm in a disagreement with somebody, an intimate partner, I will just yell, or I'll get loud, or I'll get angry, preemptively, thinking that they will not understand. But this guy listens.

He really, really listens. So I don't have to do that. Yes. And that's new. That's a new thing for me. you know, it's not necessarily that I can't explain things well, because I can. I am extremely verbal and communicative. It's that maybe the person the person I'm talking to doesn't understand it. That's different than me not being clear on what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. We talked about that. I kind of worked through.

some of that stuff from your childhood, it happens to a lot of highly intelligent people where they just happen to be in an environment that does not understand who they are. And so then you're taking a child or young person who is surrounded by people who don't understand who they are. And they come out of that environment with the message that, I don't explain things well, or I don't make sense.

who I am, what I want to do, what I think doesn't make sense, but it's not true. Sometimes you're just in the wrong environment. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes you're just in the wrong environment. And, you know, highly intelligent people are like, I don't know, one to 2 % of the population, certain types. And it's really hard. New, neurodivergent people experience the same things where they end up coming out of their...

youth with a sense of rejection and not belonging or thinking there's something wrong with them because they were just in an environment that considered them broken because of who they were, which is really heartbreaking. I have really encountered a lot of women who have, and sometimes still are, sometimes for some women it happens in the workplace. They go into a workplace and then the workplace has no capacity.

to have that kind of genius in their midst so that there are all kinds of problems. And I think that was a lot of what you were experiencing. lot. that's kind of, yeah, so you start to internalize that. that's kind of the work. The thing is, I think this is me personally. believe that we, I think we heal within relationships. I think we can heal outside of them, but I think that it takes being, I think we're made to be around other humans, not constantly, but I think.

when you have that mirror that's held up to you, I think it could be a good thing. I don't advocate two toxic people holding mirrors up to each other. Yeah, the mirror needs to be clean. Why the mirror needs to be clean? And reflect accurately what's coming. Yeah, exactly. And so that's, it's nice because I realize I can just relax and maybe chill out, bring my anxiety level down or maybe I don't even need it.

So that's kind of represent. That's so beautiful. I love you. I love your story. Like every time we, and we're still working together, like every time we are together and you know, we're talking about this, I'm just real. So, cause I, this is, this is a privilege that I get to have is I get to see the whole journey and it's just always magical for me every time. I don't know how you kept the faith girl. Cause like,

Oh my God. was like, this is never going to end. never going to get it so many times. I just, I've seen my story. I've seen so many stories up close that I know that, Oh yeah. A lot of the distortion is just in our heads and the distortion keeps us from seeing that the world as challenging as the world can be. We all know that especially in 2025, the world is not made up of just what we can see.

The people in the world are not just what we can see or what we've experienced in the past. It's just such a big world. There's so many kinds of people. I moved to a new area in 2024 and I'm just like having, in a sense, starting from scratch with like friends and community and spiritual community. It takes time and effort just like dating. I'm literally using all the principles of dating.

in this journey. And every time I find just one more community or one more person, I'm like, oh my God, you know, six months ago, I didn't know that this space existed. didn't know this person existed three doors from me, you know? And so if we can remember that, okay, the world does not consist, the men in the world do not consist of just what you see on the apps today. A whole new bunch of them could show up tomorrow. That's true.

You know, they do rotate through. My husband came on the apps. I had been on the apps for 18 months when this man rolled in for the first time. And we met within two days of him being, or within 24 hours actually, less than 24 hours of him being on the apps. He joined at 2 a.m. in the morning. He's a night owl. We matched at 10 a.m. that morning. And we met for dinner, you say 7 p.m. the next day. Wow.

So everything can change in an instant when it comes to the dating journey, but you can't escape the work. You can't escape the work that goes to prepare you for that moment. In fact, one of the examples I like to give my clients is if we don't work through the healing part or our walls or anxieties or all the things, if you did meet your person, you would show up with all that and you wouldn't make the match. People keep saying, well, if I could just find the guy, I'm like,

If you don't work through this scarcity, that scarcity will impact your ability to connect with that guy. Or if you're still like super anxious or self-conscious or feeling like a good guy is out of your league, are all the things that I, you know, I work through with women. If you still have all of that, the guy could show up today and you might miss him. You would miss him though, because you wouldn't be able to hold that. Yeah, you wouldn't like it. It wouldn't feel good.

Yeah. So we can't escape the work. I love it when the work is short. I try to help my clients accelerate the work as much as possible, which sometimes I think makes people think that like I'm tough. I'm trying to get, you come on, let's just speak some truth. All the time. Okay. Fine. Tough is not, that's not, you know, love, love. I'm going to say love. Okay. Yeah. Love. Love is not a constant. Yes. Right.

When I my child, no, there was a reason I tell him no. And I love him. I want to protect him. not that you're not, it's not like a, you're not the mother in this situation. It's just love. Love isn't always a constant. Yes. So you say, hey, look at it a different way. Yeah. like to say my job is to tell my client what I see. Like, okay, based on data, what I know on my expertise and my experience.

This is what I see. I do try, I also try to hold space for like, okay, I might be wrong, but what if we just kind of slowed it down, did these things in between so that we can see if it turns out one way or another. And I'm trying to think when I've been wrong. I'm sure I have. Let me tell you real quick, Sade why I say you're tough. Because I had never evaluated a human being the way that you were asking me to. Not that you were hard on me or.

in anybody, but you were like, well, how did he show you? What did he do? What were his actions? And I was like, I don't know. I had to really think about it. what did he do? a lot of words, many, you know, and I had to go back and look. So that to me, maybe in my own brain, was tough in terms of. Tough in terms of effort. I just a new effort. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a new effort. It's an unfamiliar effort.

We all got sold the fairy tale. Prince Charming comes riding in on a horse. He looks like whatever your flavor of celebrity is. He sweeps you off your feet. You feel all these feelings and you live happily ever after. You ride off into the sunset. And I'm like, actually we did that the first time and it didn't work. we got to do this other work that for some reason, it's interesting. I haven't done the work to research this.

Is the fairy tale sold to women on purpose? Like, is this part of some huge conspiracy? Cause I'm like, who benefits if we believe that any guy- any guy who has pretty words, should go, I'm like, wait, who does that benefit? It doesn't benefit the woman to not have her eyes wide open. So, you know, I wasn't planning on using the word patriarchy today, but- Go for it. The million thousand year old-

patriarchy benefits the people who stand to benefit the most from us not seeing things clearly. anyway, all right. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story. Is there anything else you wanted to share? Anything I didn't ask you? I did want to share that.

Although it was, I was very hesitant. The sex is amazing. If you will do the work, if you'll do it because it takes a courageous, brave person to say yes to this.

but I will say on the other side of it, my God, it is worth it. So worth it. And doing it by yourself is one thing, but doing it with somebody who's walking with you through it, that'd you, should I? Right, but knowing that there's one human being on the planet, at least one, who is going to stand in truth for you and no matter...

what your brain is saying or no matter what the trauma is saying or even just, I don't know, there's so much fear in the world and that just gets into our everyday thinking. yeah, knowing that there's one person there who at least on this day they're gonna call you and check in on you and really, really care. It made a big difference for me. It made all the difference really. So.

I mean, I really, when I met you, let's say it was about 18 months ago, I think 16 or 18, I didn't think I would ever be able to be with somebody again. And, I'll just say like physically, I just felt so not good in my body, which is so weird because I love my body, but, yeah, you, it, you can do it. It's, can be done. And when, when you come on.

through the other side of it, there is, you're a new person and that is, yeah, there's a new part of you that's revealed. Yeah, it's definitely a growth journey. It's definitely a growth journey. It's not a, know, drive down to Walmart, pick the guy off the shelf type of situation, you know, that sometimes the apps make us feel like that's the way it's supposed to be. It really is you growing as a person.

And you just hit that growth point. And that's why I say it feels like magic. It's not magic, but it feels like he just showed up. But no, it's like you grew into that relationship and you were able to see it, you were able to choose it, and you were able to kind of walk into it and start to do the wonderful, fun work of being in healthy relationship.

Yeah, it's good. Thanks so much. thank you, Ashley. Thank you so much for being willing to tell your story and coming on here. Like it's absolutely delight every time I, every time I get to hang out with you. thank you. All right. Listeners, I hope you enjoyed Ashley's story as much as I did and do like literally every time we talk about it, you would think I hadn't been there the whole time. I was there the whole time and I still had such an amazing time having this conversation. hope you enjoyed the story. Ashley,

Do you want to talk about like the work that you do a little bit? Just, just, just, just, just a little, cause this is your next, this is your next journey. My next step is to, is to restart, restart the business. don't know. I'm working with people now. I find myself doing it. I I've inherited a lot of stuff in this life. And so I have had to organize and.

figure out what to do with, gosh, various people's life items. And I have about three houses now that I manage, and that's not because I bought those. But I'm in charge of them, and I feel like I've gotten pretty good at doing it. So I have actually been offering my services of helping people declutter and organize. But what goes along with that is lots of emotions around stuff.

around things, especially when it's your grandma's stuff and then your dad's stuff and then grandpa's and then it's, it's what do do with all these things? So I've been working with a couple of people already on that. Yeah. And I think for a lot of people, cause I went through this, after my divorce, where my ex kept all of mine and the kids stuff in the garage for three years as the divorce went through and then wouldn't release any of it until the judge signed the order. And then I got this.

you're talking like moving truck load of stuff that had been sitting in a garage for three years through three Missouri winters and Missouri summers. And all of it just came into my basement in one moment. And it took me years to work through the emotions of tackling because every item in there held triggers and anxieties and memories and

I had a coach that walked me through that and I have a podcast episode about that. But yeah, that your work is so important. you get so exhausted with the decisions. Oh, the You already made the decision to have it or somebody did and now you have it. It's, yeah, it's wonderful. Yeah. Or what to do with it. Do you throw it away? Do you give it away? Do you sell it? Where do you go? And how do you know what's, yeah.

What's right? you regret? Yeah. Will I regret letting this go? You know, or will they just take up space here? So, you know, your work with helping people go through that is so important. I don't even know that everyone realizes that this is why they haven't done it. Oh, yes. A lot of people think they haven't done it because they're lazy or they just, no, no, You haven't done it because it's work. and it's challenging in its own way, definitely. So.

Yeah, so I'm going to have in the show notes the link to Ashley's calendar. If you have stuff, if you've got some clutter that you need to work through or even just working through the emotions, maybe you know what to do or that, you need to work through the emotions of actually starting and not procrastinating that work anymore. I encourage you to book a call. you know, book a call and just have a conversation with Ashley to see like, you know.

Can I move this forward? So I encourage you to do that. She is amazingly intuitive, like crazy intuitive. So I know that like your clients are just going to have so much peace and groundedness doing that work with you. I hope so. Yeah. I have some deep insights. I don't even know where it comes from, but here we are. So again, deeply intuitive. I love to work with people just in general. I taught university for about 14 years. I've worked with humans for a long, time and

and I've cooked for a while. yeah. Amazing. Thank you so much for being here, Ashley. Thanks. Listeners, we want to thank you so much for your time and attention today. We appreciate it. Please like the podcast, leave us a review, share it with other women who need to hear it, and we'll see you next time.