238. Decentering Men, Centering Yourself

You've heard people talk about decentering men. But here's the problem: even that conversation still centers men.

In this episode, I share a different approach. Instead of asking "Does he like me?" or "Will he treat me right?"—I teach you to ask better questions: "What do I want? What serves me? Do I feel safe and valued right now?"

This is hard work. We spent our whole lives putting everyone else first—bosses, husbands, kids. But you deserve to be your own priority.

Here's what I mean: You are your own matchmaker. You don't beg someone to text you more. You evaluate if what you want exists in this relationship. If it does, you stay. If it doesn't, you move on. You hold the power.

Think about it this way: Why would you apply to work at McDonald's if you want to study dinosaurs? Yet we do this in dating all the time. We go where what we want doesn't exist, then ask men to change.

Stop that.

Your time, focus, and energy belong to you. Reclaim them. Build momentum toward your real goals. Center yourself first—then watch everything else fall into place.

Ready to transform your dating life? Schedule a dating consultation call with Sade at sadecurry.com and discover how to date with confidence and get married again.

Transcript

Welcome to the Dating After Divorce podcast. I'm your host, Sade Curry, and I believe every divorced woman deserves a romantic relationship where she feels safe, loved, and cherished. You can create the most amazing life after divorce, and I will teach you how.

Welcome back to the Dating After Divorce podcast. I'm your host, Sade Curry, and this is the third episode in my series around creating life momentum after divorce.

In the last two episodes, I introduced the idea that we're not focused enough on ourselves after divorce. We're not focused enough on what we want. Often, this is presented almost as a deterrent to dating: "If I focus on myself, I can only do that when I’m not dating or looking for a relationship. When I am, I need to focus outward."

One thing I've always taught my clients is that you—the listener, the woman looking for the relationship—should always be at the center of everything you are doing. You are your first responsibility. This can be hard to take in and live out in a world where we're conditioned as women to always center everyone else—especially men.

I'm sure you've noticed a lot of conversation online and on social media about decentering men. I haven’t talked much about it because even the conversation about decentering men still centers men. It becomes, "Men are the thing, and now we need to decenter them." Then pretty soon, you're still thinking about how to decenter men all the time.

The way I present it to my clients is simple: stop caring what he thinks. When they tell me everything the guy said and did, I remind them—we don’t care what he thinks. The question becomes, "How can I stop caring what he thinks when I'm dating? How can I stop wondering if he likes me, if he’ll treat me well, if he’s the right guy for me?" That’s always the conversation in a society where men are centered.

The solution isn’t to decenter men—it’s to center yourself. When you center yourself, your focus shifts. One of the pillars of life momentum is to focus on yourself, to build a new habit of being focused on yourself.

That, my friends, is hard. We’ve spent a lifetime centering other people—bosses, partners, husbands, and children. Now, children are the only appropriate "other" to center while they are young and dependent. But other than that, there’s no one else who should have your focus, even if you're married.

All of you divorced women know how much we were focused on our partners during the marriage. I know how focused I was on my ex-husband, and how tempting it is to focus on my current husband because of how the world works. People are always asking, "Where is your husband? Is he coming?" Constantly centering him. I have to resist that and center myself.

So, I’d love to call this episode "How to Center Yourself in Your Life." Because when you center yourself, you are the first thing you think about. Your first question is, "What is in my best interest? Am I building my own goals and dreams? Am I safe? Do I enjoy the experience I’m having?"

When you're dating and meet someone, instead of wondering if they like you or if you're impressing them, you take a step back. Hopefully, you don’t even take that step forward. You go in fully connected with your experience—your body, emotions, feelings, opinions, desires, and what you want in the moment. You look to yourself to provide what you need.

Let me explain that. There's a lot of conversation around dating about asking for what you want. That’s lovely, but again, it centers the other person as the source. You are the source. You have to say, "What I want is here," or "It is not here." That’s different from asking someone to change to fit what you want. Usually, you're asking in a situation where what you want doesn't exist.

For example, if a guy you're dating doesn't text often and says he's not a good texter, your friends might tell you to just ask for what you want. So, you ask him to text you twice a day. He sets an alarm and texts you, but there’s no real feeling or desire behind it. He’s checking a box. You’ve asked for what you want, but it still doesn’t exist in the relationship.

My take is: you are your own matchmaker. You evaluate if what you want exists here. If it does, stay and enjoy it. If not, move on. Notice how many "I"s are in those statements? Because you are the centered person. You are having the experience, giving yourself the experience, deciding if it exists or not, and taking action accordingly.

When a man is centered, he’s the source. He has to show up, provide, do all the things. That’s why I’m different from many other dating coaches. I rarely talk about the men. I don’t care if the man ghosts you, wants to go 50/50, or wants sex after paying for dinner. Who cares?

The minute you're not having the experience you want, you must be the one to recognize that. Stay if you are having the experience you want. Leave if you are not. You are powerful. You know what you need.

These are the steps I take my clients through in self-discovery—walking through their core values, setting the stage for their ideal person. It’s not about a mystery man. It’s about them.

Think of it like this: if you went to college to become a paleontologist, why would you apply for a job at McDonald’s? There are no dinosaurs there. Then you go to your manager and ask for what you want—fossils to study. Doesn’t make sense. You give yourself what you want by going where what you want exists.

We keep putting ourselves in a catch-22: wanting to center ourselves and never settle, but still going where what we want doesn't exist. That’s because men are centered.

This is not about hating men—because hating men is still centering them. I respect those who expose dark behaviors as a warning. That work has value, and I’ve learned a lot from it. But my work is to center the woman. When we're constantly in the business of men, we don’t have the energy to build ourselves—our wisdom, our discernment, our defenses.

If you’re always hoping a man will protect you, you aren’t sharpening your own discernment so you can avoid harmful situations. It’s not about decentering men—it’s about centering yourself.

It frustrates my clients sometimes when I say, “Tell me about you. What were you thinking and feeling?” It’s not about blame. It’s about finding the moment where they gave away their power.

Not everyone wants to do that level of self-reflection. But that’s my work: to help women see themselves, their power, and their potential.

In my one-on-one practice now, I offer my Life Momentum Method. It's about recapturing your most powerful resources: your time, your focus, and your energy. Our time is drained by so many things. Our focus is drained—by undiagnosed ADHD, perimenopause, the design of the world and media.

Billion-dollar companies are built on your attention. Your attention is valuable. You decide where it goes. Harness your time and attention and execute your goals—you become unstoppable. Whether your goal is to find the right partner, grow, or improve your dating journey.

Many women don’t find the right partner because they’re focused on the wrong parts of the journey—the men, what he said or did, instead of their needs and growth. If you can harness your time, focus, and create a strategy that works for you, you can build momentum in any goal.

And that strategy has to feel good to you. That’s why I do core values and self-discovery work. The way one person succeeded may not work for you. It’s not just about finding the right guy—it’s about who you are and where he exists.

To create a sustainable momentum in life, start by centering yourself. Wake up and ask, "What is truly good for me?" Sometimes the answer is hard, because it reveals how much time and energy we've wasted. That shame is okay. It can be processed and moved through. We have so much time ahead of us, and so many resources available.

Each person has natural strengths. If we could shift our emotional energy away from other adults and back to our purpose, passions, joy, and legacy, we could build something meaningful. Life is short. You can’t do everything for everyone else and build a meaningful life. You have to choose.

Even those who leave legacies through helping others do so because helping was part of centering themselves.

When I record this podcast, I’m not trying to fix you. I’m focusing on sharing what I know because that is part of my purpose. It nourishes me. Helping you is centering myself. There are other good things I could be doing, but I don’t enjoy them or feel called to them, so I don’t.

Everyone has something they’re meant to contribute. To discover it, you must center yourself and ask, "What do I really want to do?"

It will look different for everyone. I have a best friend who works a 9-to-5 and feels deeply nourished by that. She loves the work. She has no desire to podcast or speak publicly. She has centered her own desires and enjoys them fully.

There is no one way to center yourself—except to center yourself.

There will be more episodes in this series. I have so much more to say about reclaiming your desires, goals, passions, and bringing your dreams to life. Please stay tuned. Share this with a divorced woman or any woman who needs to hear it.

Thank you for your time and attention today. I meant to say one last thing, but I forgot what it was. Welcome to perimenopause.

Thanks for listening. If you're ready to get married after divorce, I invite you to download my free eight-video training designed to help divorced women date with ease and get married again. Head over to sadecurry.com to get started. That’s S-A-D-E C-U-R-R-Y dot com. I'll see you inside.

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