239. Why Successful Women Have Toxic Relationships

You are strong. You are capable. You can handle anything life throws at you. But here's the truth: those exact traits might trap you in relationships that drain your soul.

In this episode, I break down why high-achieving women—CEOs, attorneys, physicians, mothers who run the world—end up walking on eggshells with men who don't deserve them. Your resilience becomes your cage. Your strength gets misapplied. You convince yourself you can handle red flags, emotional immaturity, and disrespect because you've handled worse.

But just because you can handle something doesn't mean you should.

I share a coaching breakthrough with a client who discovered she was tolerating poor behavior simply to prove her strength. We discuss why your intuition knows something's off, yet you override it. We explore the dangerous question: "What's wrong with me?" And I challenge you to ask better questions: "Is this the experience I want? What does this relationship cost me?"

Your power, confidence, and resourcefulness deserve better than babysitting an immature partner. Stop throwing good years after bad. Start asking about your return on investment—not in a transactional way, but by documenting the truth of your experience.

You don't win a prize for enduring what you don't have to endure. Choose yourself.

Ready to transform your dating life? Schedule a consultation call with me at [https://sadecurry.com/info].

Transcript

The next time you wonder why a very successful and wonderful woman is in a relationship with a guy that makes you think, "How did she end up with that guy? Why did she choose him?"—this is why. It's literally her very best traits that are the reasons she chooses the guy. Her very best traits are the reasons she stays with the guy. They're walking on eggshells. They're shrinking themselves in order to keep the peace with these people. They're standing their ground, so to speak, to prevent the shame of feeling like they are a victim or intimidated. But you don't have to be there.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Dating After Divorce podcast. I'm your host, and it is a pleasure to be here today. This podcast episode was inspired by a coaching session I had with a client this week. She has been dating for a little less than a year—maybe about six months—and recently had an experience with a person she thought might be "the one." They were going on dates, going through the process, only to find out he had a ton of issues.

There's never any shame around that, because another person's issues aren't your issue. The fact that the other person has issues, or even the fact that you met that person or considered them as a potential partner, is never a problem. We just live in a world where there's all kinds of people. My clients hear me say that multiple times every week. If you're out there meeting new people, you're going to experience all kinds of people.

The crux of this matter—the real breakthrough—was that we had gone through coaching, set things up to attract the kind of people she wanted, and she still ended up being attracted to this person. He turned out to have some really giant red flags. Thankfully, she was fine. This wasn’t a situation where she got hurt, but she had been in contact with him for about two and a half months. The conclusion was that this person was quite toxic, even though she saw it before getting into a deeper relationship.

She was asking, "Why am I still here? Why am I still meeting these kinds of people? I’ve gone through the divorce. I’ve healed. I’m going through your process. What is it about me?" And this is the dangerous question—"What is it about me? Why is my picker so bad? Why do I constantly choose these kinds of men?"

The truth is, I had to take her a step back and say, "You don’t always choose these kinds of men. You’ve met others who are great—they just weren’t right for you." So we deep-dived into the coaching. What could she have done differently? What could she have seen that might have changed the outcome or shortened the time spent?

We isolated a belief about herself that was true but misapplied: that she could handle a lot. She is successful, bright, and resilient. She has achieved so much and continues to achieve. But that belief—"I’m strong, I can handle so much"—gets misapplied in relationships when little red flags come up. She thinks, "I can handle that" or "I handled that," and so she stays.

In her situation, she met a guy on the first date who was interested in being intimate. She said no. He pressured her—not in an angry or mean way, but inappropriately persistent for a first date. She pushed back. She thought the date was a success because she said no, and he accepted it. But she missed that his inappropriate persistence was a sign of his character—a lack of respect or social awareness. He projected his desires onto her, assumed she wanted the same, without any conversation.

It was such a subtle moment. If you are a resourceful woman who gets things done—CEOs, operations leaders, women handling big teams—you’re used to handling difficult people. If you've been married to a toxic person or a narcissist and survived that, you might have a high tolerance for difficult situations. It may not even occur to you that when someone is inappropriate, you don’t have to handle that. You can just decide: “I don’t like this. I’m moving on.”

A lot of women ask, “Is this guy a narcissist?” And my answer is, “Who cares?” You don’t need to wait until you can check every box. Just ask yourself: are you enjoying this experience? Is this what you set out to enjoy in dating or relationships? This applies in friendships and families too. Just because you can handle more difficult experiences doesn’t mean you should. Is that really how you want to use your energy?

When I look back at my marriage before I got divorced, I remember it wasn’t necessarily physically abusive. I think my ex would have been, had it not been clear that I would have had him locked up. But even in that environment—where you’re suspecting or worried that someone might lash out—that’s not a situation you should be in. I remember he’d break furniture or say triggering things during arguments.

I used to think, “He’s just saying things, he doesn’t mean it.” But I remember one time calling the police during a rage episode. When the officer told him to leave, I asked the cop, “Do you think I should leave this person?” And looking back, I realize I had no idea what I deserved or what I had a right to. I was a professional, a mother, making important decisions—and yet I was asking a stranger for permission to leave a toxic situation.

I didn’t realize I didn’t have to put up with yelling or anger or emotional instability. You have strength, endurance, resourcefulness, maturity, power, and confidence. But those traits are not best used babysitting an immature partner. Imagine channeling that energy into your children, your health, your growth, your career, your investments, your purpose.

The reason so many successful women end up with toxic men is because their best traits make them believe they can handle it. I’ve coached CEOs, physicians, attorneys—women who command boardrooms and save lives—and in these relationships, they’re walking on eggshells, shrinking themselves to keep the peace.

You don’t have to be there. This isn’t a shaming message. You can leave. You can change. You don’t have to settle. There’s no gold star for enduring a situation you don’t have to endure.

Society puts relationships on a pedestal—especially for women. Your value is judged based on whether you’re married, single, or divorced. Apparently, divorced ranks higher than single. Single with kids ranks higher than child-free. It’s insane.

Most of you listening are intuitive. You know when something’s off. But for some reason, you override that awareness. Maybe it’s a need to not be too picky. Maybe it’s about proving that you’re strong. But why do you want to experience difficulty just to prove you can survive it?

You don’t want to diminish your life experience by using your strengths to tolerate toxic people. Toxic people fill up your mental and emotional space, making it harder to meet someone good. Keep your space clean and clear.

Don’t endure things to prove something. Endurance in athletics brings a prize. Enduring a poor relationship does not. Marriage to someone toxic is not a prize.

When you tolerate poor behavior, the relationship sucks. You override your intuition and keep giving chances, but what's the return? There’s no return on investment. You start throwing good years after bad. There’s no ROI for that.

Every person you invest time in should bring a return—whether emotional, experiential, or otherwise. You are investing when you spend time, attention, energy. If someone talks through the movie or ruins your time, that’s a poor return. Different people have different capacities. Know your own. Most of my clients make others better. They're emotionally intelligent and invest in their growth. Then they go and invest in people who are not great.

Recently, a client was seeing someone great—on the surface. But he started to withdraw because she wasn’t stepping in to carry some emotional load around his divorce and kids. She asked, “Should I help him?” I said, “No.” If someone’s life isn’t handled, don’t rush in to fix it. Ask, “Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t have their stuff handled? What will happen to me if I stay?”

That’s when the wasted years begin—when you don’t ask what the cost to you will be. This dynamic shows up not just in dating and marriage but in divorce, too—where strong women are helping their ex manage his emotions or parenthood. You’ll start seeing this pattern everywhere once you notice it.

So, what can you do?

Start journaling about the return on investment in your relationships. Not in a transactional way, but by documenting the experience. Ask yourself, “Was this the experience I wanted?”

Then, instead of asking for what you want to see if they’ll give it to you, ask: “Is the capacity for what I want already present in this person?” You're experiencing them as they are. If they don’t text often, don’t try to train them. Go meet someone who naturally does.

Take stock: are you tolerating more than you need to? Don’t call it love or being the bigger person. Call it what it is: this person doesn’t have the capacity for what I want.

If you’re married, it’s more complex. But consider whether staying is right for you. Walking away isn’t failure. It’s not always the answer, but it’s an option. Understand the experience you’re having, and ask where it lies on the spectrum of the life you want to live.

This has a cost—present, future, and compounding. Choose yourself. Retrain your intuition if needed. Make nourishing decisions that bring you freedom.

Thank you for your time and attention today. I’ll see you next time.